Feels are multiplying 

Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide. 

Mental

(Good Morning, How are you?/You alright? Morning, I’m okay/Good thanks, you?)

Everyday we get asked if we are okay. Everyday someone tries to reach out, even if it might be superficial or asking as a greeting they get use to. But the point is, everyday someone, individual, or someones, lots of people, ask how we are. Giving us thousands of chances to say how we truly feel, yet most of us cut if off with a rhetorical reply. An unfeeling answer that may even make us feel more depleted than before.

(Good Morning, How are you?/You alright? Morning, I’m feeling a little rubbish today. How are you?)

Instantly gets people curious, sometimes we aren’t in the right frame of mind to deal with curious, maybe we don’t want to talk about it, but with a saying like that, people will instantly reply ‘why’ before processing what the person actually said.

It is important to talk about how you feel. It is important to being able to share feelings/thoughts with someone. It is important to let everyone know that you might be struggling. That you are miserable. It is important to feel like someone is actually hearing, listening and showing that they care.

(Good Morning, I’m struggling and I don’t know how to deal with it. How are you?)

I am struggling as an individual but I see no sense in telling people that I literally feel like an emotional rollercoaster all the time, and that I don’t know how to deal with it, so I dismiss it, always asking how others are, because I see no sense in talking about myself when I don’t actually take stock of how I’m truly feeling.

The only person you can truly help is yourself. Ive seeked help from professionals but I always get shot down. Ive seeked out help in the hopes that they’ll listen to me, hear me out, but I end up getting frustrated because they don’t hear me, they assume. I mean whats the point in having ears if you aren’t going to use them? then again we all have selective hearing when it comes to our own individual selfish needs.

The trouble with anything related to mental health, any problems, no one wants to hear about it. Everyone cuts someone short who is either struggling, or if you know someone who has some mental difficulty. The reason, mainly, why, no one wants to deal with someone elses baggage. No one wants to deal with someone elses turmoil when its similar to their own, and know full well what its like and wishes not to face it.

Most important reason why is; everyone recommends for a healthy mind to stay away from a negative mind.

Bingo! There it is, in black and white.

No one likes dealing or associating themselves with a negative mind incase it affects their own sanity. In rights mind it is true. Negative people, negative sayings, negative words affect people, it brings everyone down. So why associate yourself with a downer?

All in all how can a mental struggler feel like its okay to talk about there negative thoughts when thousands don’t want negativity to affect there own mind and sanity?

It is great that thousands are finally reaching out, feeling like they can actually express how they truly feel but what about the strugglers who don’t know how to stop struggling?

My only outlet is writing. I don’t always write, I don’t always write what I want to say, why? sometimes words cant explain it, the way we need to say it. People read everything differently to everyone else. I’m conscious of who might read it, of what they think to what ive written. Most of all, I sometimes find writing frustrating, I get angry with myself. Why cant I vocally say all of this, how I feel, why do I have to be so difficult, so hard on/for myself.

I’m no one special, I’m no different to anyone else, but why when I have everything a person could ask for, I don’t want it. why when you’re suppose to be living in the moment I cant enjoy or accept it. why do u have high expectations when I set nothing for myself. I find myself an infuriating individual, like an annoying disease, why would you want to contaminate a unhealthy disease with a healthy immunity? you wouldn’t

 

 

 

T

Today I said goodbye to a dream, to a wish, to a hope, to a fantasy. I do have to say it was a bloody good one, but in honest realistic life it would never happen. It would never commence to the dream, live up to my over explosive imagination. Even though the dream is everything I want/wish.

Todays not been a bad day but I guess that’s because I’ve realised I don’t want this life, I don’t want to feel or be. I no longer want to flutter through life, but I’m happy to go my own way. What I mean by that is, simply be me. I feel for the past six months I’ve tried to be something ill never be. I’ve done the one thing that id hoped id never do, pleasing others, trying to be someone who’s acceptable by others. Even when trying I was being unsuccessful. Surrounding yourself around big believers and big achievers is okay, its nice for a while, but I’m not one of those and ill never will be. don’t get me wrong, we all want to achieve, be like everyone else, living the high life, but I cant, that’s simply because that isn’t me.

Accepting yourself is a continuous journey, a life journey. I wanted to live for you, but I cant, the standards are too high. I don’t want the life that I currently have, I’m in no rush to get to the new one either. I’m just happy with realise that this is me;

simplicity

the little things

mistaker

dreamer

 

exhausted tears

why do you cry for? why do you get yourself in such a state? constantly question your quality of life, the things that you have, always wishing for something other.

why do you cry for?

is it because you are exhausted of being you? is it because you are tired of always saying the same things constantly, over and over again like a broken record. Is it because you like crying and for some reason think that by crying youll make yourself better, as you seem to always have the answers… that’s why you cry, right?

the tears just drip, hover over your eyelids ready to drop and steam down your pale saddened face.

Why do you cry, always in silence, always on your own… why do you cry for no one to see, for no one to help. why do you cry? whats got you weeping?

whats got your heart tearing apart? Is it because you actually want something…. what could that possibly be?

Email

I feel like I live in a world of loneliness yet I’m continuously surrounded by people, yet I choose not to speak yet I’m burning to talk, but I’m never sure what to say or what I’m going to say. I’m fed up of feeling unmotivated and purely sad. I know the only way to change things is to get up and push yourself through the slog of feelings, but I just don’t have any enthusiasm for that.

I’m lost in the fact that I don’t see where my life is going or heading. I have no direction in life, I have no goals and I cant think of anything that actually interests me or makes me want to achieve.

I feel separated from everyone, like its a task to talk to anyone, its always me making the effort and in return the conversations just end.

It makes me want to leave, but I have no sense of destination, just a picture of a blank empty page.

I expect a lot from myself and I feel guilty when I do hardly anything. I’m fed up of being me, is it possible to hate who you are ?

I’m continuously sad, so sad that it makes me ashamed of what I’ve become. My life isn’t bad, yet I make it out to be destroyable. I have so much yet I have no love for it. I just feel like weeping endlessly and continuously.

I have the ability to live, to see, to be something, yet I cage myself, always finding an excuse to not to the things that I once desired.

Its almost like I’ve locked myself in a hole and I’m burning to get out, but I’m expecting something/someone to pull me out and show me the way. I know that happiness lays within yourself, and its only you who makes life choices. I feel the way that I do, I’m in this pit because of my choices. I don’t know where I’m going

I have nothing to show for my life, apart from the endless moaning. I have no success and nothing to make others proud of.

Who am I, what am I doing

Word

As thousands of you gather in celebration, to celebrate the completion of yet another year, or for many to say goodbye to a year they felt wasnt exactly good to them. It’s as if they say goodbye to a year, when in fact you only say good bye to another day. I know it can be a little puzzling but tomorrow is just going to be another day, just like all your previous days in the past year. You just happen to be entering a new time hop. Nothing changes. You still get light, you still get presented with new choices, new opportunities. The only thing different is the fact that you present your mind with new chances, as you see tomorrow with a new ending number, to start over again, but that’s what every day represents. Everyday is a new day, it may be the same to some but that will only be because you havent chosen to do anything different for yourself. We sometimes look at change as having to be a big structural thing, when in fact in can be a minor thing, something as small as making your bed in the morning. Just little things can lead to a big change by the end of the day or the end of the days that you choose to count(year). Everything happens in time or overtime. Nothing happens instantly. Everything’s a process, it’s what you choose to do. So tomorrow is a new day, at the end of that day you can celebrate your small step of change, your simple achievements. Everyday should be celebrated for your small achievements.

we live to be who we want to be as individuals,

 

—–

As my day comes to an end, I think of the travel times, the goodbyes, the job changes, the things i learnt about myself and about who i am in this very moment. There is so much more out there for me. My problems of living in fear still cloud my judgements, still play a major role within my live and they probably will for a little while longer. My emotions are higher than ever before, I’m more concerned about proving that I can live to others, than appreciating who i am for myself. I use to be happy to be at home on my own, not having to do much but only discovering the things that i wanted to discover for my own discovery, but of late i no longer enjoy the companies that i use to have, i no longer enjoy simply doing nothing as i feel like I’m currently being criticised for the life that I live and lead, for the choices that I make. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to continuously be on my own, I don’t want to always act or come across as a reluctant child who is uncomfortable with herself. But that’s just the ways things are at the moment. I wish to be comfortable with who I am, to do the things i dream off without having to constantly be on edge or worried what others think about me. If I chose not to think i would be comfortable, I know i can be. I keep seeing a vision, whether its due to be seeing so many similar images or not, I keep seeing in my mind eyes, backpack on my shoulders no phone no connection, just simply seeing the earth for what is presented in front of me. Endless green earth, mountains, blue sky. Wherever this image maybe, its one i constantly dream. Heres to another day, whats going to be different?

What are you saying n

We live in a world that is so imagined, to be a certain way, to be lived by the imagined and how they see the world should be.We surround ourselves by people who tell us of a way to live, of there dreams which soon become our own dreams. We surround ourselves with media, flicking through websites or on social media sites. Swirling our brains, filling them with images and sayings that so many things is right or the way to live. 

Does anyone actually stop and breathe, actually breath. Knowing who they really are, not the facade they live, or the face they put on. But the actual person they will always be. Does anybody breathe? Or is that just a thing of the past? So many angry forces, me for one, so many judgy people, so many rude souls, yet who’s nice to you? 

Don’t you get tired of living in the false hood that you create for yourself?

You feel as if you’re getting left behind, when in fact you aren’t, people are just getting tired of your excuses. 

You shouldn’t have come back even though it was the right thing to do. 

You’ll always be a loner, it’s better to be out there alone than surrounded with people who have no time for you or who are tired of you

You shouldn’t have left and stayed hidden