Am i dreaming, still continuously in that sleep mode, that we all call sleep, or am I really awake and actually living this reality of a life. I guess when we refer to dreaming, its like an amazing unstoppable life that we’ve always wanted and it must be amazing, not so boring or mundane, well dreaming for me seems like a thing that does not exist or am I still sleeping whilst I write this. So am I awake or am I sleeping, because honestly I have no clue. I go through the motions of life, never really registering what the hell is actually going on, I blink out when someones trying to talk to me. All I can think about is clouds, even when I feel my eyes closing, something within me, like the motherboard to a computer drive, switches on and still humms, while I close my eyes, So technology I’m not actually sleeping I’m just in darkness mode. I never feel like I actually sleep. In darkness mode, my eyes close for an hour then they are open for another half an hour, then I go back into darkness mode for another two then bam I’m up again and into a cycle we go. Have you ever been so tired that you feel yourself drifting even though your eyes are wide open, have you ever been so tired that you feel sick with tiredness. I know full well I don’t function well when I’m tired, I literally feel as if I’m a sleep, yet I must be awake right? Am I seriously awake?
Give me what I deserve! Give it to me hard. Shout at me. Tell me what you really think of me. Punch or slap me silly. Raise your voice at me. Have some reaction to my sullenness. Give me a reply to the attitude that I give. Just give me something for my rudeness. Tell me, with the air burning in your lungs, that I need to get my act together. That I need to love and appreciate what I have before its gone, because I know what it’s like to have and then be gone. Yet this feeling, it doesn’t change the way I am. It just makes me more bitter. More sullen.
Stop saying the same uncared words. Stop repeating yourself like a broken record. Scream at me, you need to pull yourself together. I know I need to change, Im going to find change. But it’s not as simple as embracing it. It’s not like I can switch a switch, and all emotions are erased. You know this. Don’t you remember the time when you weren’t happy. When you did something uncalled for, just to make what you felt disappear. You know, yet you say things as if you don’t know what im talking about.
Im tired of being, I write to express. To get someone to help me, even if its just by a simple reply. But all I get is, good writing. Good writing! Thank you for the compliment. But if I read something so heart breaking, could see the underlining of giving in, of self destruction. I wouldn’t write well done. I would do something other than those words. I don’t know what I expect. Maybe some sort of understanding. An erasing of my head. I just want change. To embrace the change and get over it.
Im stuck, Im always stuck. What a great way to be. Never growing, never learning. Because, well, Im wasting away being the way that I am. Im the only one who can make the change, to make the step. But I always choose not too.
Is that because Im too afraid, letting fear win all the time? Or do I just like making tired excuses? Arent you tired of me yet? Because I am
Why Arent you nice? Because Im bitter
Why don’t you smile? It doesn’t come naturally
Why are you hard on yourself? Someone has to be
Why don’t you live? Whats living
Why do you always have to be negative? Because when I am positive, someone always brings me down, It always comes back
Why do you feel the way you do? I keep myself caged
Why are you leaving? I don’t want to be me
Why do you expect so much, to think you deserve good treatment? I expect things because Its normal. Why shouldn’t I get good, but then again, I should only get what I give, which would be poor or not a lot.
Why do I talk to you? Theres no one else
I expect better than what I give.