Feels are multiplying 

Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide. 

Mental

(Good Morning, How are you?/You alright? Morning, I’m okay/Good thanks, you?)

Everyday we get asked if we are okay. Everyday someone tries to reach out, even if it might be superficial or asking as a greeting they get use to. But the point is, everyday someone, individual, or someones, lots of people, ask how we are. Giving us thousands of chances to say how we truly feel, yet most of us cut if off with a rhetorical reply. An unfeeling answer that may even make us feel more depleted than before.

(Good Morning, How are you?/You alright? Morning, I’m feeling a little rubbish today. How are you?)

Instantly gets people curious, sometimes we aren’t in the right frame of mind to deal with curious, maybe we don’t want to talk about it, but with a saying like that, people will instantly reply ‘why’ before processing what the person actually said.

It is important to talk about how you feel. It is important to being able to share feelings/thoughts with someone. It is important to let everyone know that you might be struggling. That you are miserable. It is important to feel like someone is actually hearing, listening and showing that they care.

(Good Morning, I’m struggling and I don’t know how to deal with it. How are you?)

I am struggling as an individual but I see no sense in telling people that I literally feel like an emotional rollercoaster all the time, and that I don’t know how to deal with it, so I dismiss it, always asking how others are, because I see no sense in talking about myself when I don’t actually take stock of how I’m truly feeling.

The only person you can truly help is yourself. Ive seeked help from professionals but I always get shot down. Ive seeked out help in the hopes that they’ll listen to me, hear me out, but I end up getting frustrated because they don’t hear me, they assume. I mean whats the point in having ears if you aren’t going to use them? then again we all have selective hearing when it comes to our own individual selfish needs.

The trouble with anything related to mental health, any problems, no one wants to hear about it. Everyone cuts someone short who is either struggling, or if you know someone who has some mental difficulty. The reason, mainly, why, no one wants to deal with someone elses baggage. No one wants to deal with someone elses turmoil when its similar to their own, and know full well what its like and wishes not to face it.

Most important reason why is; everyone recommends for a healthy mind to stay away from a negative mind.

Bingo! There it is, in black and white.

No one likes dealing or associating themselves with a negative mind incase it affects their own sanity. In rights mind it is true. Negative people, negative sayings, negative words affect people, it brings everyone down. So why associate yourself with a downer?

All in all how can a mental struggler feel like its okay to talk about there negative thoughts when thousands don’t want negativity to affect there own mind and sanity?

It is great that thousands are finally reaching out, feeling like they can actually express how they truly feel but what about the strugglers who don’t know how to stop struggling?

My only outlet is writing. I don’t always write, I don’t always write what I want to say, why? sometimes words cant explain it, the way we need to say it. People read everything differently to everyone else. I’m conscious of who might read it, of what they think to what ive written. Most of all, I sometimes find writing frustrating, I get angry with myself. Why cant I vocally say all of this, how I feel, why do I have to be so difficult, so hard on/for myself.

I’m no one special, I’m no different to anyone else, but why when I have everything a person could ask for, I don’t want it. why when you’re suppose to be living in the moment I cant enjoy or accept it. why do u have high expectations when I set nothing for myself. I find myself an infuriating individual, like an annoying disease, why would you want to contaminate a unhealthy disease with a healthy immunity? you wouldn’t

 

 

 

written words

As I stare at this shed, the representation of a new meaning, a new beginning, I imagine the life that could have been, I imagine tearing it to shreds. There, just in those thoughts alone are a confliction of my inner world.

As I shiver outside I imagine what it must be like for the poor, the unfortunate that have nothing apart from the breath that they utter, but it doesn’t make me weep. Infact it makes me think unkind things.

How did you get there? Why are you in that situation? Why do you have nothing? Surely you didn’t try hard enough?

I guess some people are oblivious to what journey they are on. I guess some are not aware that one single thought, feeling, yes, no, choice, chance sets you on a path/course.

So I guess you could say if you have a problem or a situation you are currently in, it could have been easily avoided if when the first beginnings of the situation arose you could have dealt with it then. But I guess as every life is our own why should we consider others around us. that’s why so many appear selfish but I feel that many don’t actually realise the significant some people play in others lifes. I guess its down to the individuals feelings about someone.

Its like why do I take it so personal, so angry, when someone doesn’t hear me?

The simple answer is I want them to actually hear me, to actually care.

Some could say my life is fine

Some could say my life is falling apart

But both of those opinions are based on observing points of views. No one actually asks How are you. Don’t get me wrong many people do everyday, but how many actually truly care.

Lifes infuriating, people are precious.

Lifes a choice

Clock continues to tick whatever the choice.

The heart continues to beat whatever the feeling

maybe I’m not being loud and clear here

Maybe my indecisiveness conflicts my feelings

Thousands of souls are continuously lost

Thousands go unheard

I’m just one more, why would I be any different

Life continues even when you fall out with someone

Life continues even when you lose someone

Life continues even when you are alone

What do you want from life? You are all alone

We cry, we weep, its utterly soul destroying, So soul destroying I fall to my knees. We are surrounded by people, we shouldn’t be so alone. I continue to cry and weep always on my own. No ones here to pick me up and put me on my feet. I , me, do that all alone. I continue even when I truly don’t want too. I have nothing to weep for. I have no reason to feel so depleted. I have no reason, no excuse to feel the way that I do. Its infuriating when I feel like this, which is nearly everyday, yet the sadness always out ways.

The choice is yours to live or to live

What you do everyday, what you miss out on, who you speak to

Most importantly its how you treat number one, I don’t like being number one.

Reflect,

Reflecting on myself as an individual for many reasons, the main fact is I feel that I am the problem. I don’t like to think I am, but from everyone else’s outer emotions, looks and feelings I get the impression that it is me, my fault for everything, but my mind screams like a mad manic woman, that I put too much pressure on myself, but Susan who else is going to put pressure, who else do I talk to? Reflecting, 

I mean I don’t smile, why the freak don’t you smile Abby, who killed you? Who abused you? Who mad you feel so unworthy? No one but myself. Therefore I should smile, right? Think for one second Abby, you make so many people miserable with the pure sight of yourself. Your silly attempts in leading people on, leading people to nowhere. You moan constantly that thousands continue to let you down, that no one gives a single shit about you, but wait a second…. do you even give a flying fuck about anyone else other than your selfish ass? How many times have you said to people yes you’ll meet them but then you change your mind and don’t. How many times have you been given amazing opportunities to only turn them down or better yet be so disrespectful to not even let them know! You want people to give a shit, yet you don’t give a single god damn. It’s almost like you try to make it more emotionally hard on yourself than you actually have too. You expect people to take you to places, go somewhere with you, yet you’re so tight with your dosh so money aware. What do you work for if you have nothing to show for it? 

That’s another thing, work. You wanted a full time job, a starting point. You got it, but now it’s too much. You can’t even attend a whole month yet you’re thinking of going to another career that’s more hours, it just doesn’t make sense. You as an individual do not make sense. You want to travel, yet you need someone else to hold your hand with you. But why I ask. When all you do is ruin someone else’s experience. Do you truly want to travel? You don’t take it in, you never take anything in, you constantly think of the next moment. Even now as I write you think about smoking pot to escape your mind. To forget the scream inside. But even that doesn’t work. What do you want? You don’t want to be alone, yet you’ve distanced more people than ever before in the past six months. What have you done? What are you going to do? Who the hell are you, apart from a weird psychopath ? Stop hurting people, if that’s all you plan to do with your sorry self, do us a favour…

T

Today I said goodbye to a dream, to a wish, to a hope, to a fantasy. I do have to say it was a bloody good one, but in honest realistic life it would never happen. It would never commence to the dream, live up to my over explosive imagination. Even though the dream is everything I want/wish.

Todays not been a bad day but I guess that’s because I’ve realised I don’t want this life, I don’t want to feel or be. I no longer want to flutter through life, but I’m happy to go my own way. What I mean by that is, simply be me. I feel for the past six months I’ve tried to be something ill never be. I’ve done the one thing that id hoped id never do, pleasing others, trying to be someone who’s acceptable by others. Even when trying I was being unsuccessful. Surrounding yourself around big believers and big achievers is okay, its nice for a while, but I’m not one of those and ill never will be. don’t get me wrong, we all want to achieve, be like everyone else, living the high life, but I cant, that’s simply because that isn’t me.

Accepting yourself is a continuous journey, a life journey. I wanted to live for you, but I cant, the standards are too high. I don’t want the life that I currently have, I’m in no rush to get to the new one either. I’m just happy with realise that this is me;

simplicity

the little things

mistaker

dreamer

 

Peter P

So much id like to say to you. The imagination is a fantasy of game, an explosive dream. Not many you can instantly connect with, or is that my over imaginative mind. Every girls dream. The up lifter, even though I’m pretty sure you’ve had your own difficulties. I like you for who you are. It was nice to hear from you. You were good for the soul, as well as my over reactive mind. I’m glad I had the chance to know you, even if it was only for a little while. Ill always remember you, you kept me dreaming. I wish id had the chance to hug you. One day I might even write about you…

Snuggle bugle

As I sit here all I can think about is my world is so small but I’ve seen so much in such a little time. But does seeing things actually qualify as experiencing things? Have I really lived or have I just repeatedly watched it from the side lines, which I keep repeatedly doing. I know I need something, something that probably qualifies as help, but sometimes just having the openness of talking is all someone needs, even if it every now and then. But I have a little difficulty with that, and its internally frustrating. I can quite easily live my life solo but I also crave the comfort of another human, but for that to simply work you have to be able to communicate. Every word that you say people reply with a quick answer, they don’t always hear what you are trying to say. Sometimes in cases you have to be careful for what you say in case others take it the wrong way. Everything has to be watched or said correctly all in the case that someone can simply read or hear it wrongly. Always on edge. Id love to talk, even if its pure nothingness but no one is truly trustworthy anymore, and that’s the sad thing. It burns in my lungs, it makes my voice box close, tears brim on the eyelids, yet the words don’t tumble. I could simply write it, but what’s the point. Its just endless words of internal suffering and no one bothers to comment or ask the simple annoying question ‘are you okay’ Obviously I’m not. It hurts when people say that ‘you’re emotionless’ ‘don’t like seeing you like this’ urm… dude I’m not freaking emotionless I control my emotions, and its to an extend that its killing my soul. I hate being seen as an uncaring human, I hate the fact that people simply look at me and see that there’s something wrong. Yeah I’m breaking on the inside but I’m normal on the outside. I’m not asking for someone or everyone to change my life or direct it as such. Im just asking for someone to actually be hundred percent loyal and trustworthy, but I get it. Not many people like that exist. Ive put myself in a bubble, all my own doing. Im able to do so much but I always stop myself, fear is the main one. So many fears. Then I think and I ask myself whats the point in doing it all? Whats truly the point? There’s simply nothing wrong with me, I’m just a selfish creature who wishes for some comfort but denies myself of that pleasure .

-internally conflicted