Calling 

I call on you in this hour, the timing isn’t right and it never will be. Help me, help me find a way out of this aching pain, help me relieve the heavy pain that pounds within my skull. Help me see the light in other souls, help me see a way out of this devastating soul. 

I’m a sinking ship trying to survive on choppy seas, but I no longer want to be in this salty land. The wind whispers ‘what do you want?’ 

I seek the answer to all my woes, yet their isn’t that many, they are just thoughts at the front of my mind. 

I seek a way to relieve the achiness within my bones and muscles. A way to infuse enthusiasm into my soul. To make me smile with no need, no reason. To see the ray of joy lighten my eyes. I seek a way to find a path, a course to brilliance, to kindness and to a helping life for myself and others. I seek acceptance for myself and to be okay with everyone around me. To enjoy a day for what it is, to embrace the moment and life that gives. 

I call on you in this hour to just be with me, but who are you? What do I truely seek? 

To understand …

To understand the world, you must first understand yourself. That is the memo that I keep hearing, keep seeing with my own eyes, on what seems like a daily basis. Its also the thought that I’ve been thinking for the past two years, and in that time I have discovered so many things, seen so many places, gained so many different experiences, yet I still struggle to understand myself, and yet, that maybe why I’m in such an emotional state in this moment of time. I guess with that saying I’ve completely skipped the whole understanding myself, not given it a blind thought, or hoped that by just going off and doing these things, id hoped that it would give me an understanding to myself, but in this very twisted confused written words, I’ve just made myself more confused with who I am, and deeply lost.

Maybe it’s because I immense myself around people, even though I don’t become involved in their lives, I just become in tune with other peoples personalities, and therefore I lose my own sense of human. Maybe it’s because I put myself in places, hoping that being in certain situations/environments that maybe id change as a person. but that all comes down to me not actually liking who I am in a round about way. Is that due to a thousand voices in my mind, or the whispers of those I feel I love and care for, whisper daily little things that have now become a major impact in my daily life, therefore making me feel as I’m not good enough, or a human. But then again I cant go through life blaming for the thoughts/opinions of other people. at the end of the day, if I let someones thoughts/opinions affect my life so sufficiently i’ll never set out to do what id wish to do, or the things that I dream about doing. I cant blames people for how they see me, I cant blame them if they feel as I’m a fault. Maybe I am a fault, but isn’t that sad, that I agree with someone elses thoughts, that I’m a fault. what does that say about what I feel for myself? Not a lot of love, nor possibly not a lot of thought.

Ive had a few people telling me in the past year, that you shouldn’t care so much about what others think of you, you shouldn’t take it so personally to what others say about you. yet I do. I mean, I don’t know how to actually say this, I don’t know how to explain. I guess in a way you could say what people say and think about me is very important to me, but then I don’t really immense myself in other peoples lifes for them to actually know me and to have a 100% true opinion. But then I spend time, I talk to some people and what their thoughts, advice and opinion to my many questions, mean a lot to me, because otherwise why would I speak to you, why would I ask a question if I don’t actually care about the answer.

Is it down to just being a nice human? I’m just so confused with thoughts and life.

I know what id like in life, but I see no point in getting it if you don’t have people surround around you, either giving you support or just being there to talk about the experiences.

I could easily go off and go somewhere and be alone, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about the conversations ive had, the moments that ive had with others. it doesn’t stop me from thinking about all the mistakes ive made, or the times that ive embarrassed myself. It doesn’t stop me from feeling the need to be around certain people, yet I don’t truly want to at times.

I’m a very confused and conflicted individual. I feel as if I know what I want, but when I go and try and get it, it doesn’t give me the feeling that I seek. the feeling of belonging, the feeling of satisfaction of understanding and having value.

I’m a confused individual about my own working mind.

I’m tired of being awake all the time, the sense of being a robot for what.. someone elses entertainment because my life to me, has no happy fun for the darkening lost soul.

Summary; I’m a very insecure individual, who feels to deeply yet doesn’t show it.

Come away with me 

Hey you, you’ve not spoken to me in a while, makes me think I might have possibly done something wrong or maybe you no longer need me. Or maybe you’re slipping away into the darkness once again. You know this year has been great, almost an adventure in itself. You should be proud of what you’ve done and what you’ve seen and most importantly the time you’ve spent with people. 

I know you have difficulties and that some people get to you, sometimes cut you up and make you wish you never bothered more even gave them a thought. And I’m sorry that they hurt you so and that you take it so deeply. But there’s not much I can do about that, apart from imaginary hugging you, which doesn’t do a lot. 

I’m just proud that you’ve tried every day even though you’re deeply tired of it all and all the fake ness of like for the oddness of what. I’m just proud that you haven’t tried to end it, even though it burns so deeply inside and that you try to cling to something to someone but those something’s/someone’s always let go first, but you still stay with me. Even if you aren’t fully with me. 

It’s always going to me and you, even if that’s never going to be enough, but I’ll always be here for you, even when you no longer want me. 

Answer me this 

Why won’t you take it? It’s more money than what you get. It’s something completely different to what you are doing, which is what you wanted. It’s something new, it’s a start in a new career. 
What’s the point in searching for something continuously, then applying, then going on these things if you have no intention of actually taking it. 

So why aren’t you taking it? 

Are you scared? Are you afraid? Do you think it will be to difficult? Is it because it’s not what you thought and you can seeing it being another repetitive on and on job? Is it because you have no soul and no longer care what you do with your life? Is it because you always look at the longer picture and you don’t like what you see? Is it because you don’t want people to get to know you? Is it because you’ll have to actually talk? I don’t get why you do it. I don’t understand why one minute you’re all positive, strive for something new and be like all adventurous, and then when it prescents it’s self you back off because you’re too scared to take it. What are you scared of? Failing? You fail every time you don’t take an opportunity. It’s not something you want to do for the rest of your life, so what is? 

Feels are multiplying 

Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide. 

Mental

(Good Morning, How are you?/You alright? Morning, I’m okay/Good thanks, you?)

Everyday we get asked if we are okay. Everyday someone tries to reach out, even if it might be superficial or asking as a greeting they get use to. But the point is, everyday someone, individual, or someones, lots of people, ask how we are. Giving us thousands of chances to say how we truly feel, yet most of us cut if off with a rhetorical reply. An unfeeling answer that may even make us feel more depleted than before.

(Good Morning, How are you?/You alright? Morning, I’m feeling a little rubbish today. How are you?)

Instantly gets people curious, sometimes we aren’t in the right frame of mind to deal with curious, maybe we don’t want to talk about it, but with a saying like that, people will instantly reply ‘why’ before processing what the person actually said.

It is important to talk about how you feel. It is important to being able to share feelings/thoughts with someone. It is important to let everyone know that you might be struggling. That you are miserable. It is important to feel like someone is actually hearing, listening and showing that they care.

(Good Morning, I’m struggling and I don’t know how to deal with it. How are you?)

I am struggling as an individual but I see no sense in telling people that I literally feel like an emotional rollercoaster all the time, and that I don’t know how to deal with it, so I dismiss it, always asking how others are, because I see no sense in talking about myself when I don’t actually take stock of how I’m truly feeling.

The only person you can truly help is yourself. Ive seeked help from professionals but I always get shot down. Ive seeked out help in the hopes that they’ll listen to me, hear me out, but I end up getting frustrated because they don’t hear me, they assume. I mean whats the point in having ears if you aren’t going to use them? then again we all have selective hearing when it comes to our own individual selfish needs.

The trouble with anything related to mental health, any problems, no one wants to hear about it. Everyone cuts someone short who is either struggling, or if you know someone who has some mental difficulty. The reason, mainly, why, no one wants to deal with someone elses baggage. No one wants to deal with someone elses turmoil when its similar to their own, and know full well what its like and wishes not to face it.

Most important reason why is; everyone recommends for a healthy mind to stay away from a negative mind.

Bingo! There it is, in black and white.

No one likes dealing or associating themselves with a negative mind incase it affects their own sanity. In rights mind it is true. Negative people, negative sayings, negative words affect people, it brings everyone down. So why associate yourself with a downer?

All in all how can a mental struggler feel like its okay to talk about there negative thoughts when thousands don’t want negativity to affect there own mind and sanity?

It is great that thousands are finally reaching out, feeling like they can actually express how they truly feel but what about the strugglers who don’t know how to stop struggling?

My only outlet is writing. I don’t always write, I don’t always write what I want to say, why? sometimes words cant explain it, the way we need to say it. People read everything differently to everyone else. I’m conscious of who might read it, of what they think to what ive written. Most of all, I sometimes find writing frustrating, I get angry with myself. Why cant I vocally say all of this, how I feel, why do I have to be so difficult, so hard on/for myself.

I’m no one special, I’m no different to anyone else, but why when I have everything a person could ask for, I don’t want it. why when you’re suppose to be living in the moment I cant enjoy or accept it. why do u have high expectations when I set nothing for myself. I find myself an infuriating individual, like an annoying disease, why would you want to contaminate a unhealthy disease with a healthy immunity? you wouldn’t

 

 

 

written words

As I stare at this shed, the representation of a new meaning, a new beginning, I imagine the life that could have been, I imagine tearing it to shreds. There, just in those thoughts alone are a confliction of my inner world.

As I shiver outside I imagine what it must be like for the poor, the unfortunate that have nothing apart from the breath that they utter, but it doesn’t make me weep. Infact it makes me think unkind things.

How did you get there? Why are you in that situation? Why do you have nothing? Surely you didn’t try hard enough?

I guess some people are oblivious to what journey they are on. I guess some are not aware that one single thought, feeling, yes, no, choice, chance sets you on a path/course.

So I guess you could say if you have a problem or a situation you are currently in, it could have been easily avoided if when the first beginnings of the situation arose you could have dealt with it then. But I guess as every life is our own why should we consider others around us. that’s why so many appear selfish but I feel that many don’t actually realise the significant some people play in others lifes. I guess its down to the individuals feelings about someone.

Its like why do I take it so personal, so angry, when someone doesn’t hear me?

The simple answer is I want them to actually hear me, to actually care.

Some could say my life is fine

Some could say my life is falling apart

But both of those opinions are based on observing points of views. No one actually asks How are you. Don’t get me wrong many people do everyday, but how many actually truly care.

Lifes infuriating, people are precious.

Lifes a choice

Clock continues to tick whatever the choice.

The heart continues to beat whatever the feeling

maybe I’m not being loud and clear here

Maybe my indecisiveness conflicts my feelings

Thousands of souls are continuously lost

Thousands go unheard

I’m just one more, why would I be any different

Life continues even when you fall out with someone

Life continues even when you lose someone

Life continues even when you are alone

What do you want from life? You are all alone

We cry, we weep, its utterly soul destroying, So soul destroying I fall to my knees. We are surrounded by people, we shouldn’t be so alone. I continue to cry and weep always on my own. No ones here to pick me up and put me on my feet. I , me, do that all alone. I continue even when I truly don’t want too. I have nothing to weep for. I have no reason to feel so depleted. I have no reason, no excuse to feel the way that I do. Its infuriating when I feel like this, which is nearly everyday, yet the sadness always out ways.

The choice is yours to live or to live

What you do everyday, what you miss out on, who you speak to

Most importantly its how you treat number one, I don’t like being number one.