Feels are multiplying 

Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide. 

Literally 

Literally feel like I’m losing my mind. There’s no loyalty, no honesty, no commitment. Always feel like I’m being let down, but I guess that’s what happens when you decided to live for other people. Listen constantly to what others have to say, what they tell you to do. 

Screaming constantly at myself, which in turn is breaking me. Is it possible to fall out of love with who you are? Is it even possible to have in love with who I am? I’m uncontrollable, why do I do the things that I do? I feel like a ticking time bomb. Why is everything my fault

Sometime I really do feel it would better if I didn’t involve myself with anyone and I mean anyone. 

Lets Be Honest ….

 

Its been a while since I last wrote, its been a while since ive even felt like doing it

The travels were fun and different, now home to a live of before.

I’m not the same yet I’m acting the same, complicated ways

Ive not been well, both physically and mentally. Which are both things I came back for, Both things I deeply wanted to achieve.

Its now in fact gone the opposite, not exactly sure if its got worse. But that’s all my own doing.

You can love yourself and hate yourself so deeply, its quite intriguing to realise how powerful you can be and feel about your one self.

I have achieved a lot since being back, yet at the same time I feel like I have achieved nothing apart from walking back into the past. That was my choosing. I don’t regret, lifes about making choices, mistakes, life experiences – whatever you want to call them.

The funny thing, not actually funny, is I’m the type of person who takes things for granted and doesn’t truly appreciate what I have at the time, in the moment. Again no one to blame but myself.

I’m pretty sure I’m on a loose end.

As well as coming back for health reasons, I came back thinking id have a better social life style than when I left. One thing you should always remember, nothing ever changes /….. unless you change, complication. I received more messages from home people when I was away than when I was in home town. Messages of the likes of meeting up etc, followed through to now dead ends, because apparently you only matter when youre thousand of miles away.

I guess it boils down to the type of person that I am, and what I want to be.

Of late, the answers been pretty much nothing. I don’t predictably want to be a person and I don’t really fancy participating, but If I give up, I wont have anything. I’m quite lucky to have anything to be honest. Maybe this is all due to lack of iron and vitamin b12, or a loose mind. I just feel like my bodys here, but my mind and spirit are somewhere else, but where…

If only they had a harsh motivational school to go too. Someone who could punch or put me in line for a time or too.

T of thoughts 

The feelings of head, if only you could have the ability to change the thoughts within as quickly as you can change your appearance. Stay three of tryin to socialise. It’s not even really day three is more like day two as day one wasn’t a full day. It’s hard, or the battle with the voice within my head is very challenging. Don’t get me wrong, where I am, the people I’m with is amazing amazing places and an amazing ability but the sights the people, they do for a time, but not for a long period give me the thoughts of wanting this. I’m not sure what I want and I’m pretty sure I’ll never know what I want. He guidance of life is given, this tour is one. But the guided of closed mind would be a welcome. The ability to stop thinking, not being aware of people, especially people I’m never going to see again in my entire life, to let go and just be weird, always holding back is exhausting. Always feel like I’m constantly on guard but the funny thing is what have I got to be on guard force ? It’s not like I’m going to be with these people forever, half of them, whether it’s because they can read me, don’t really try and talk. Then again I am shit. It’s not like you going to meet your best friend someone your going to fall for, even if you did hey probs wouldn’t except. 

Weird about me

There’s something weird about meThe inner ability to just smile and feel it within your soul. You know what I mean, right? The smile that’s a rare beauty, the cheekbones high with tightness. Eyes glistening with the glow , sparkle of humming happiness. The way the smile vibrates throughout the body, through every bone, to every fingertip. The hum of a smile within the chest, like a brightness of light. If the beauty of that smile could settle within my soul all the time, then I could shake myself and just push. I like to smile but I have to feel it, it just feels fake when I don’t feel it. Shake a bone. 

What are we fighting for? 

We plan to strive, to have an aim so we don’t feel like an aimless melon walking through live with no achievement, but anything can be an achievement

What do you miss?

Being me but who are you, why do you say those things yet you never know why those words emotions flutter through your mind. 

Years,

We have years to come, so many years

What do you do with so many years

Where are you

Just keep running even if it’s no longer an outlet

Are you ever ready?no ones ever going to be prepared for life for fun for letting go. You’re always prepared when you don’t let go

Punch

One two, high jab 

How do you feel?

Miles away with no much sense of a way. Just like before, just somewhere different

In a beautiful country, life can flutter by with empty stares into the sea. Life can flutter by with dead thoughts in mind, while the sun sets over the high mountains. The world is a beautiful place. There’s beauty in everything we see, just depends on the personality that stares around and takes in the world. Is it possible to feel more lost than before? Yes

You’ve got me, yet you don’t know who me is. You disagree. Caged, too long. Over edge not going to be good. Just love yourself

Looking for a feeling

Going

So I’m doing this. The thing I’ve been thinking about, imagining about. Only hours away and I still can’t imagine it becoming reality. I want this and I need this so much. Only been imagining it for the past three years. Challenging times are ahead, nothing will ever be the same. I need this in the sense, that hopefully it will help me breathe. Yet I’m so terrified…. I wouldn’t stay even though it’s slightly tempting. The past months I’ve been working on trying to shape my body aka trying to look slim. I haven’t got the slimness that I had in mind, I might not look the way I want, but I achieved in a way I never thought. My endurance has improved massively. It’s changed the way I think in some cases and times. With the difference of future changes, it hasn’t been as active or mind settling as I like. Therefore I’ve gone slightly back to ways of before. Eating to comfort the soul, even when I feel sick of food. So my body doesn’t look r. I’m not where I want to be in fit sight, but maybe in coming years I can come back to it. With the whole fit, looks obsession I’ve come to be to wary about what I eat. I might be able to run with a better sound mind than before, but I can no longer eat with a sound mind. I’m going travelling. I’m leaving home, a place I want to come back to in time but for now I need to go. Challenges are about to be challenged. My fears are going to come into play. My mind, independence will be tested. I want to be someone, I’d like to be someone new and find myself but that’s too much expectation. Enjoy, see is all simplicity. I’m only going to worry about myself. It’s too emotionally straining to think about other people. To be worried if my choices appease others. At the end of the day I’m still breathing, should be happy with that choice. I get others want better for myself but all I’ve ever wanted was a positive happiness for my choices. Not something that’s been turned round into negativity. Saying goodbye to all I know is extremely hard, it makes me panicky. I won’t have anyone to rely on, which I’ve always taken for granted. No longer have a comfort zone. Hopefully flying a thousand miles I’ll be ables to explore

Roar

Why do I feel this? This burning inside. Like my insides wants to break free. Why do I feel like unleashing a roaring scream of pent up frustration.

Anger consumes, its humming through my veins as I type. My mind feels like a bashing toy, battling it out in cartoon imagines. Constant banging of never. The rattle of cage that’s never stops rattling.

Its in me. This anger. But why I ask.

Why does frustration feaster within my bones? Is it the uncontrolled unknown that I’m about to explore in to. Or are my emotions on a rising tide, because I feel no closure?

What’s Happening to me. Why must I roar.

Roar until your lungs give out. Roar until all you hear is a whisper of the feasted scream. Roar until your whole body console in anger, with tears of frustration streaming down your face. Just roar.

Roaring is something Id like to do. To let the scream out. But its my inner mind that’s doing the punching. I feel this deadly urge to box, but ive never boxed. To punch into my hands are bloody. Until my fists hum in burning pain. All I see within my mind, me in a ring, fists at the ready, punching uncontrollably at a punching bag. Covered in sweat, energy still rising, coming from an unknown source of energy. I’m just infused with range of anger. Frustration comes out in every fist, but no relief is found in any connection.

Why am I this way, Why do I do this to myself.

I’m so unbelievably angry