Feels are multiplying 

Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide. 

The battle field to being awake

Am i dreaming, still continuously in that sleep mode, that we all call sleep, or am I really awake and actually living this reality of a life. I guess when we refer to dreaming, its like an amazing unstoppable life that we’ve always wanted and it must be amazing, not so boring or mundane, well dreaming for me seems like a  thing that does not exist or am I still sleeping whilst I write this. So am I awake or am I sleeping, because honestly I have no clue. I go through the motions of life, never really registering what the hell is actually going on, I blink out when someones trying to talk to me. All I can think about is clouds, even when I feel my eyes closing, something within me, like the motherboard to a computer drive, switches on and still humms, while I close my eyes, So technology I’m not actually sleeping I’m just in darkness mode. I never feel like I actually sleep. In darkness mode, my eyes close for an hour then they are open for another half an hour, then I go back into darkness mode for another two then bam I’m up again and into a cycle we go. Have you ever been so tired that you feel yourself drifting even though your eyes are wide open, have you ever been so tired that you feel sick with tiredness. I know full well I don’t function well when I’m tired, I literally feel as if I’m a sleep, yet I must be awake right? Am I seriously awake?

T

Today I said goodbye to a dream, to a wish, to a hope, to a fantasy. I do have to say it was a bloody good one, but in honest realistic life it would never happen. It would never commence to the dream, live up to my over explosive imagination. Even though the dream is everything I want/wish.

Todays not been a bad day but I guess that’s because I’ve realised I don’t want this life, I don’t want to feel or be. I no longer want to flutter through life, but I’m happy to go my own way. What I mean by that is, simply be me. I feel for the past six months I’ve tried to be something ill never be. I’ve done the one thing that id hoped id never do, pleasing others, trying to be someone who’s acceptable by others. Even when trying I was being unsuccessful. Surrounding yourself around big believers and big achievers is okay, its nice for a while, but I’m not one of those and ill never will be. don’t get me wrong, we all want to achieve, be like everyone else, living the high life, but I cant, that’s simply because that isn’t me.

Accepting yourself is a continuous journey, a life journey. I wanted to live for you, but I cant, the standards are too high. I don’t want the life that I currently have, I’m in no rush to get to the new one either. I’m just happy with realise that this is me;

simplicity

the little things

mistaker

dreamer

 

Heart sings

My heart sings, continuously sings. Is it in sadness or desperation for something that everyone seeks, acceptance and love? My heart hums with wants yet the brain deprives it of the things that it mostly wants to feel. A connection a belong, instead of this sadness of feeling excluded and so alone. We all walk this world alone, we are all strangers trying to fit in, trying to be connected to others and feel as if we belong to someone or something, yet some never feel the belong nor the connection. They feel the despair of disconnection, of clouded people yet not within the softness of the cloud. The heart sadness with the acknowledgement that they don’t belong that they don’t fit. The despair is such a big thing. The heart weeps 

Knock Knock Knock on your door

Hey you, Hows it going? Life treating you well? Thats a funny question though, don’t you think. ‘Life treating you well’ That implies that life leads you, when in fact you lead the life that you decide to live. So my dearest honey, why did you come back? Have you got over that what you imagined would happen, isn’t going to happen, yet, or is that going to take another three months of sour feelings?

Knock Knock, whos there? You, and only you. You hold the key to life. You dish out advice and always there to hold someone elses hand. Why don’t you take hold of your own hand and just flee into the world that swirls inside your mind and actually live a little. There always seems to be cages with you. Youve always got something locked away, or hidden. Dont you get tired of being a negative twiddle. I mean, im not trying to be mean. At the end of the day im the only one who actually gets it, Im the one who lives with you constantly and your always tying me down. I ask daily, as you might know, what are you stopping for? Nothing comes to you, No ones going to live for you. I do know thats what you wish for, someone to come along and live it with you, to push you into life and feeling and breath. But my dear honey its not going to happen. Im not softening the blow anymore. You just have to simply do it, whether you want to or not. I know its mainly a no, but if you always say no and achieve nothing with the time that you are presented you aren’t going to be anything. Yes i know youve achieve and done so much this year, but the feelings are the same. All because you wont embrace. You feel as if this year wasn’t an achievement, but let me tell you something. If you hadn’t said yes to the travels you wouldn’t be anywhere, you wouldn’t have seen the amazing Whitsundays, or the clear lake of lake some or other on frazier island. You wouldn’t have met two people who made and tried to make you happy. You wouldn’t have bonded with someone. You wouldn’t have fed a kangaroo or went on an elephant. You wouldn’t have climbed the tallest building in dubai. The world is such a big place and you yes you don’t have a big place in the world, but life is your world. You are what you want to be. You repeatly say you know longer want to be the misery, the anger that shimmers with no control, you want to be able to breathe and enjoy, but its you holding onto that key of destruction.

My dear, your reluctant to grow is so easy to see. Your reluctant to grow up is far clearer than ever before. Its accepting that. No one wants to grow up, you certainly cant be peter pan no longer, not that you ever where. You just have too, its better to accept that than go through it all with dragging feet like a reluctant child.

I know you hate me with a passion of late. I know you don’t want to be told any of this or hear any of this. All you want to do is cuddle in a ball in the warmth of your bed. But your bed brings you nothing.

I love you

 

What’s it like

No one truly asked what it was like. People are only interested in the good, or what you can bring to them, information or an insight in this case. Looking back I realise I was lucky. Lucky in the sense that I had the opportunity to grow, to lean on myself. To build a starting relationship with a brother. 

I was lucky because without knowing I never knew how much time I would be giving myself. 

I discovered so much about myself and yet so little. I’m still on the road of discovery for my oneself, as well as in the excepting path. 

I learnt that I don’t need my parents, it’s just that I like to have them by my side. Knowing that they are okay and that I’m not being forgotten. 

I learnt that there’s thousands of people on this earth, I’m just a tiny ant in a huge cage, not much of a meaning for me. What do I bring to this earth? 

There’s so much more to discover, the sights, the pictures for my dissolving mind of memories. That’s what I lived for. The next photo, the next shot to show others who don’t have the ability or the money to capture those moments. The world is so much better without a lens. It’s more beautiful than people realise. But it won’t be for long. There’s thousands of us, yet one planet. We are destroying it, some days faster than others. It soon won’t be beautiful. Just like the dying reef out in Aussie. It’s beautiful in some places, but it’s dying and not a lot of living left. 

What was it like? It was like stepping into one of many books that I’ve read, stepping into a book and seeing your imagination come to life, but the living part. That was very much to how any day would normally be. The world is wonderful, but I’m not a wonderful person, therefore I don’t see it as a wonderful world on a daily basis. How I feel reflects on the world that I’ve created for myself. How I feel is destroying me so much more than I realise. I stupidly thought that if I left I’d some how magically change. Changing like that doesn’t just happen. Like everything else in the world, everything takes time, patience and faith. 

Why did I come back? Truthly, I was lost and lonely. I’ve always been lonely but I thought I wouldn’t be if I came back and surrounded myself with family, the love and support of it all. I guess I was deeply wrong. I think there’s a time in life when you know something but you are too unaccepting of it, then you accept that what you knew in the first place was correct but you’ve lived in denial of the accepting factor. 

It’s so easy to say and write a few words, but the meaning, the functioning, the action to the words are so much harder to do. 

I should be a stronger person, I should believe in my own abilities. At the end of the day, you have people around you, but you can only rely on yourself. 

I blame technology for that. But then again without it I would literally be lost. 

The power you give other people can really mess with the world of yours. You should only be the one with the power that you give yourself. 

You are stronger than you realise, you don’t want to care but you do, you should care but not the way that you do. Everyone plays on other people’s strings. 

I’m tired of feeling cornered in a cage, trapped by my imaginary strings. The inability to talk, just general talk. 

There is so much time in the world, in the day. It’s what you do with it that counts to you. 

It’s upsetting to be thousands of miles of a way and to have people messaging me that they miss me and can’t wait for a catch up when in fact, now that I’m only a couple of miles a way that they don’t want to know that you even breath. I hate that I feel so unsure of myself in a environment that I spend so much time in. I hate that I can’t be comfortable in my own skin and that the only way I deal with my problems is by eating when I don’t even feel like it. I hate that the one thing I came back for, family, I feel less connected than ever before. I don’t like the feeling that the way I live is all completely my fault. I talk less than I’ve ever had. The loneliness of not being accepted is difficult and so unloving. 

I’ve never been given a bad card but I seriously wish upon myself that I should get a bad card given. My journey on this earth isn’t just to learn and accept myself because that isn’t the game I want to play. 

Critics 

Life of a critic Climb a mountain scream out your burning lungs! Do you feel better? No of course not, it’s only a fleeting feeling. 

How many times a day do you judge someone? I’m guessing it’s not always in the lime light of a glow. Probs mostly in a snubby way. We all believe we are right. We all believe we should be right more than the next person standing next to us. But let me telling you a little secret. Everyone’s lives different. Everyone’s life’s are different. We live in the same world but it’s not seen as the same in everyone’s eyes. 

We blame everyone for something or another in our life’s. We’d wish that that they would change. But it’s not them who needs to change, it’s us who needs too. We just don’t have the motivation to change, therefore we moan about why the other can’t change. 

The world isn’t a great place, until you are happy with yourself to view it as a great place. 

Some people don’t even realise they are a negative soul, until they wonder why they have no one. Then it’s too late. 

Have you ever thought that your genetics might play a game in this line. Have you ever thought that your words, which you think are positive, are actually coming there across negative? 

Some of us jump to the conclusion that we know it all when you actually don’t stop to think. Yet the people who think, tend to be blamed that they think too much. 

Moral of the game, maybe you should think, even though it can drive you insane.