Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide.
(Good Morning, How are you?/You alright? Morning, I’m okay/Good thanks, you?)
Everyday we get asked if we are okay. Everyday someone tries to reach out, even if it might be superficial or asking as a greeting they get use to. But the point is, everyday someone, individual, or someones, lots of people, ask how we are. Giving us thousands of chances to say how we truly feel, yet most of us cut if off with a rhetorical reply. An unfeeling answer that may even make us feel more depleted than before.
(Good Morning, How are you?/You alright? Morning, I’m feeling a little rubbish today. How are you?)
Instantly gets people curious, sometimes we aren’t in the right frame of mind to deal with curious, maybe we don’t want to talk about it, but with a saying like that, people will instantly reply ‘why’ before processing what the person actually said.
It is important to talk about how you feel. It is important to being able to share feelings/thoughts with someone. It is important to let everyone know that you might be struggling. That you are miserable. It is important to feel like someone is actually hearing, listening and showing that they care.
(Good Morning, I’m struggling and I don’t know how to deal with it. How are you?)
I am struggling as an individual but I see no sense in telling people that I literally feel like an emotional rollercoaster all the time, and that I don’t know how to deal with it, so I dismiss it, always asking how others are, because I see no sense in talking about myself when I don’t actually take stock of how I’m truly feeling.
The only person you can truly help is yourself. Ive seeked help from professionals but I always get shot down. Ive seeked out help in the hopes that they’ll listen to me, hear me out, but I end up getting frustrated because they don’t hear me, they assume. I mean whats the point in having ears if you aren’t going to use them? then again we all have selective hearing when it comes to our own individual selfish needs.
The trouble with anything related to mental health, any problems, no one wants to hear about it. Everyone cuts someone short who is either struggling, or if you know someone who has some mental difficulty. The reason, mainly, why, no one wants to deal with someone elses baggage. No one wants to deal with someone elses turmoil when its similar to their own, and know full well what its like and wishes not to face it.
Most important reason why is; everyone recommends for a healthy mind to stay away from a negative mind.
Bingo! There it is, in black and white.
No one likes dealing or associating themselves with a negative mind incase it affects their own sanity. In rights mind it is true. Negative people, negative sayings, negative words affect people, it brings everyone down. So why associate yourself with a downer?
All in all how can a mental struggler feel like its okay to talk about there negative thoughts when thousands don’t want negativity to affect there own mind and sanity?
It is great that thousands are finally reaching out, feeling like they can actually express how they truly feel but what about the strugglers who don’t know how to stop struggling?
My only outlet is writing. I don’t always write, I don’t always write what I want to say, why? sometimes words cant explain it, the way we need to say it. People read everything differently to everyone else. I’m conscious of who might read it, of what they think to what ive written. Most of all, I sometimes find writing frustrating, I get angry with myself. Why cant I vocally say all of this, how I feel, why do I have to be so difficult, so hard on/for myself.
I’m no one special, I’m no different to anyone else, but why when I have everything a person could ask for, I don’t want it. why when you’re suppose to be living in the moment I cant enjoy or accept it. why do u have high expectations when I set nothing for myself. I find myself an infuriating individual, like an annoying disease, why would you want to contaminate a unhealthy disease with a healthy immunity? you wouldn’t
Literally feel like I’m losing my mind. There’s no loyalty, no honesty, no commitment. Always feel like I’m being let down, but I guess that’s what happens when you decided to live for other people. Listen constantly to what others have to say, what they tell you to do.
Screaming constantly at myself, which in turn is breaking me. Is it possible to fall out of love with who you are? Is it even possible to have in love with who I am? I’m uncontrollable, why do I do the things that I do? I feel like a ticking time bomb. Why is everything my fault
Sometime I really do feel it would better if I didn’t involve myself with anyone and I mean anyone.
As I stare at this shed, the representation of a new meaning, a new beginning, I imagine the life that could have been, I imagine tearing it to shreds. There, just in those thoughts alone are a confliction of my inner world.
As I shiver outside I imagine what it must be like for the poor, the unfortunate that have nothing apart from the breath that they utter, but it doesn’t make me weep. Infact it makes me think unkind things.
How did you get there? Why are you in that situation? Why do you have nothing? Surely you didn’t try hard enough?
I guess some people are oblivious to what journey they are on. I guess some are not aware that one single thought, feeling, yes, no, choice, chance sets you on a path/course.
So I guess you could say if you have a problem or a situation you are currently in, it could have been easily avoided if when the first beginnings of the situation arose you could have dealt with it then. But I guess as every life is our own why should we consider others around us. that’s why so many appear selfish but I feel that many don’t actually realise the significant some people play in others lifes. I guess its down to the individuals feelings about someone.
Its like why do I take it so personal, so angry, when someone doesn’t hear me?
The simple answer is I want them to actually hear me, to actually care.
Some could say my life is fine
Some could say my life is falling apart
But both of those opinions are based on observing points of views. No one actually asks How are you. Don’t get me wrong many people do everyday, but how many actually truly care.
Lifes infuriating, people are precious.
Lifes a choice
Clock continues to tick whatever the choice.
The heart continues to beat whatever the feeling
maybe I’m not being loud and clear here
Maybe my indecisiveness conflicts my feelings
Thousands of souls are continuously lost
Thousands go unheard
I’m just one more, why would I be any different
Life continues even when you fall out with someone
Life continues even when you lose someone
Life continues even when you are alone
What do you want from life? You are all alone
We cry, we weep, its utterly soul destroying, So soul destroying I fall to my knees. We are surrounded by people, we shouldn’t be so alone. I continue to cry and weep always on my own. No ones here to pick me up and put me on my feet. I , me, do that all alone. I continue even when I truly don’t want too. I have nothing to weep for. I have no reason to feel so depleted. I have no reason, no excuse to feel the way that I do. Its infuriating when I feel like this, which is nearly everyday, yet the sadness always out ways.
The choice is yours to live or to live
What you do everyday, what you miss out on, who you speak to
Most importantly its how you treat number one, I don’t like being number one.
Reflecting on myself as an individual for many reasons, the main fact is I feel that I am the problem. I don’t like to think I am, but from everyone else’s outer emotions, looks and feelings I get the impression that it is me, my fault for everything, but my mind screams like a mad manic woman, that I put too much pressure on myself, but Susan who else is going to put pressure, who else do I talk to? Reflecting,
I mean I don’t smile, why the freak don’t you smile Abby, who killed you? Who abused you? Who mad you feel so unworthy? No one but myself. Therefore I should smile, right? Think for one second Abby, you make so many people miserable with the pure sight of yourself. Your silly attempts in leading people on, leading people to nowhere. You moan constantly that thousands continue to let you down, that no one gives a single shit about you, but wait a second…. do you even give a flying fuck about anyone else other than your selfish ass? How many times have you said to people yes you’ll meet them but then you change your mind and don’t. How many times have you been given amazing opportunities to only turn them down or better yet be so disrespectful to not even let them know! You want people to give a shit, yet you don’t give a single god damn. It’s almost like you try to make it more emotionally hard on yourself than you actually have too. You expect people to take you to places, go somewhere with you, yet you’re so tight with your dosh so money aware. What do you work for if you have nothing to show for it?
That’s another thing, work. You wanted a full time job, a starting point. You got it, but now it’s too much. You can’t even attend a whole month yet you’re thinking of going to another career that’s more hours, it just doesn’t make sense. You as an individual do not make sense. You want to travel, yet you need someone else to hold your hand with you. But why I ask. When all you do is ruin someone else’s experience. Do you truly want to travel? You don’t take it in, you never take anything in, you constantly think of the next moment. Even now as I write you think about smoking pot to escape your mind. To forget the scream inside. But even that doesn’t work. What do you want? You don’t want to be alone, yet you’ve distanced more people than ever before in the past six months. What have you done? What are you going to do? Who the hell are you, apart from a weird psychopath ? Stop hurting people, if that’s all you plan to do with your sorry self, do us a favour…
My head is crazy, a traffic load of nonsense going at full speed but with an unhappy tune. How do you speak when you feel so alone, so disconnected. How do you voice that voice you yearn to be heard when you don’t know, even yourself, how to say it or how you are actually feeling.
I’m lost in this world, so utterly lost and I have no tether to a place or a human to even remotely feel alive. I want to so battle just cry, but how can you cry when its only you, yourself in this world. I have to pull myself together, I’m the one directing my life, I’m the one who has to give myself some meaning, a path in this world, yet it feels so hard, so difficult and so unworth trying.
Constantly undecided. I’m always looking for someone elses help, yet its never given, but that is besides the point. I guess others cant help you to discover who you are, you have to do that on your own but its the fact that you have to live and feel in this world always constantly on your own and I think that’s the one thing that I continuously struggle with. If I could survive in a room for the rest of my life I would simply do that. My fears are so great and they are controlling my life. What the freaking hell happened to me to become this….. I’m so inwards to myself, I’m so close minded, What happened?
The world is pretty much your freaking oyster, you can do anything, you are the only one who puts restrictions on your life, youre the one who comes up with the excuses, when they don’t have to be excuses. When I know all of this, it makes me even sadder, because I know full well that I’m not trying or living. I feel so disappointed in myself. I feel like I cant literally talk to anyone, not even myself anymore.
I no longer know what the right thing is, I no longer know what I should do
That thing before me, the thing that feels the air with salt, it lays heavy within my lungs, makes me continue my steady walk down to the coldness that now sweeps over my toes, almost tickling them in a way. A few splashes flick up with a few grains of sand, as I continue my walk into the clear blue waters until they surround me, covering at waist height, the way it runs through my open palms. I keep on walking, looking at nothing before me apart from a wide open space that the world calls earth. I’m surrendering myself to this clear salty ocean. I’m slowly but surely still walking through the high seas. My clothes are growing heavy with the water, the tips of my hair becomes wet, yet I don’t care. My soul is bare, I no longer care. Letting my breath go, I’m emerged in to the sea, settling my bottom upon the sandy ground, I close my eyes, letting all air escape. I’m saying goodbye, because the pain that ways heavy in my soul, it’s a continuous ache that i no longer want to feel. Too many remind me of what I’m like and I no longer wish to be that. Goodbye my love because Even Though we are one, even though you make me hurt, I still have the ability to love you but just not care for you.