Calling 

I call on you in this hour, the timing isn’t right and it never will be. Help me, help me find a way out of this aching pain, help me relieve the heavy pain that pounds within my skull. Help me see the light in other souls, help me see a way out of this devastating soul. 

I’m a sinking ship trying to survive on choppy seas, but I no longer want to be in this salty land. The wind whispers ‘what do you want?’ 

I seek the answer to all my woes, yet their isn’t that many, they are just thoughts at the front of my mind. 

I seek a way to relieve the achiness within my bones and muscles. A way to infuse enthusiasm into my soul. To make me smile with no need, no reason. To see the ray of joy lighten my eyes. I seek a way to find a path, a course to brilliance, to kindness and to a helping life for myself and others. I seek acceptance for myself and to be okay with everyone around me. To enjoy a day for what it is, to embrace the moment and life that gives. 

I call on you in this hour to just be with me, but who are you? What do I truely seek? 

Come away with me 

Hey you, you’ve not spoken to me in a while, makes me think I might have possibly done something wrong or maybe you no longer need me. Or maybe you’re slipping away into the darkness once again. You know this year has been great, almost an adventure in itself. You should be proud of what you’ve done and what you’ve seen and most importantly the time you’ve spent with people. 

I know you have difficulties and that some people get to you, sometimes cut you up and make you wish you never bothered more even gave them a thought. And I’m sorry that they hurt you so and that you take it so deeply. But there’s not much I can do about that, apart from imaginary hugging you, which doesn’t do a lot. 

I’m just proud that you’ve tried every day even though you’re deeply tired of it all and all the fake ness of like for the oddness of what. I’m just proud that you haven’t tried to end it, even though it burns so deeply inside and that you try to cling to something to someone but those something’s/someone’s always let go first, but you still stay with me. Even if you aren’t fully with me. 

It’s always going to me and you, even if that’s never going to be enough, but I’ll always be here for you, even when you no longer want me. 

Answer me this 

Why won’t you take it? It’s more money than what you get. It’s something completely different to what you are doing, which is what you wanted. It’s something new, it’s a start in a new career. 
What’s the point in searching for something continuously, then applying, then going on these things if you have no intention of actually taking it. 

So why aren’t you taking it? 

Are you scared? Are you afraid? Do you think it will be to difficult? Is it because it’s not what you thought and you can seeing it being another repetitive on and on job? Is it because you have no soul and no longer care what you do with your life? Is it because you always look at the longer picture and you don’t like what you see? Is it because you don’t want people to get to know you? Is it because you’ll have to actually talk? I don’t get why you do it. I don’t understand why one minute you’re all positive, strive for something new and be like all adventurous, and then when it prescents it’s self you back off because you’re too scared to take it. What are you scared of? Failing? You fail every time you don’t take an opportunity. It’s not something you want to do for the rest of your life, so what is? 

Tiredness, life of repeat

arent you tired? Because I am, so tired of this false pretence that I could weep for years, have my whole body tremble with such misery. It consumes me so, so much that I no longer have hope out of this bleak darkened tunnel. I’m tired of this false pretence. I’m tired of getting up everyday, the crack of dawn calling, the filter of motivation of automatic, depanding that I go for a walk, to count endlesss steps until and hour and a half have past. To tremble slowly back to the place called home, to then push myself through the motions of getting ready for work, a place that I do not want to attend, but if you want things, things that require money or the basics of surviving you have to attend the motions of work. I do, but not always and even in days of unsuccess, I still feel tired. Like an old shrew where your body creaks, with a mind that feels so bleak. How do you get out of feeling such despair at the life that you’ve created, a life of endless tiredness of repeat? Every days the same, no joy in knowing that simple thing, no feeling of comfort or excitement runs through my blood. What could possibly make a human feel so good? I know you can’t feel great a hundred percent of the time but what could possibly give a human hope, to feel something good at least eighty percent of the time? Is there even such a thing? My shoulders continuously feel heavy with an unknown weight. A weight of what I might ask? What do I do that is so wrong for me to feel like a deflated balloon on a lifeless string that has no meaning. Why won’t you let me scream at the top of the mountain, surround myself in the woods of ever green? Oh you say, that won’t make a difference my dear you’re destined for a life of misery because you expect so much for so little that you put in. You’ve created this world for you, no One else’s fault but your own for your own happiness. People can’t make you happy, just change the way you process, the way you see thing and be a little more open and then maybe you might have a chance in happiness. Oh how you make me weep with such sadness at such an expectation. I’ll never be able to do that and you know. You know, that’s why you say such words to make me feel no hope at all. A life of tiredness repeat.

Feels are multiplying 

Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide. 

Mental

(Good Morning, How are you?/You alright? Morning, I’m okay/Good thanks, you?)

Everyday we get asked if we are okay. Everyday someone tries to reach out, even if it might be superficial or asking as a greeting they get use to. But the point is, everyday someone, individual, or someones, lots of people, ask how we are. Giving us thousands of chances to say how we truly feel, yet most of us cut if off with a rhetorical reply. An unfeeling answer that may even make us feel more depleted than before.

(Good Morning, How are you?/You alright? Morning, I’m feeling a little rubbish today. How are you?)

Instantly gets people curious, sometimes we aren’t in the right frame of mind to deal with curious, maybe we don’t want to talk about it, but with a saying like that, people will instantly reply ‘why’ before processing what the person actually said.

It is important to talk about how you feel. It is important to being able to share feelings/thoughts with someone. It is important to let everyone know that you might be struggling. That you are miserable. It is important to feel like someone is actually hearing, listening and showing that they care.

(Good Morning, I’m struggling and I don’t know how to deal with it. How are you?)

I am struggling as an individual but I see no sense in telling people that I literally feel like an emotional rollercoaster all the time, and that I don’t know how to deal with it, so I dismiss it, always asking how others are, because I see no sense in talking about myself when I don’t actually take stock of how I’m truly feeling.

The only person you can truly help is yourself. Ive seeked help from professionals but I always get shot down. Ive seeked out help in the hopes that they’ll listen to me, hear me out, but I end up getting frustrated because they don’t hear me, they assume. I mean whats the point in having ears if you aren’t going to use them? then again we all have selective hearing when it comes to our own individual selfish needs.

The trouble with anything related to mental health, any problems, no one wants to hear about it. Everyone cuts someone short who is either struggling, or if you know someone who has some mental difficulty. The reason, mainly, why, no one wants to deal with someone elses baggage. No one wants to deal with someone elses turmoil when its similar to their own, and know full well what its like and wishes not to face it.

Most important reason why is; everyone recommends for a healthy mind to stay away from a negative mind.

Bingo! There it is, in black and white.

No one likes dealing or associating themselves with a negative mind incase it affects their own sanity. In rights mind it is true. Negative people, negative sayings, negative words affect people, it brings everyone down. So why associate yourself with a downer?

All in all how can a mental struggler feel like its okay to talk about there negative thoughts when thousands don’t want negativity to affect there own mind and sanity?

It is great that thousands are finally reaching out, feeling like they can actually express how they truly feel but what about the strugglers who don’t know how to stop struggling?

My only outlet is writing. I don’t always write, I don’t always write what I want to say, why? sometimes words cant explain it, the way we need to say it. People read everything differently to everyone else. I’m conscious of who might read it, of what they think to what ive written. Most of all, I sometimes find writing frustrating, I get angry with myself. Why cant I vocally say all of this, how I feel, why do I have to be so difficult, so hard on/for myself.

I’m no one special, I’m no different to anyone else, but why when I have everything a person could ask for, I don’t want it. why when you’re suppose to be living in the moment I cant enjoy or accept it. why do u have high expectations when I set nothing for myself. I find myself an infuriating individual, like an annoying disease, why would you want to contaminate a unhealthy disease with a healthy immunity? you wouldn’t

 

 

 

Literally 

Literally feel like I’m losing my mind. There’s no loyalty, no honesty, no commitment. Always feel like I’m being let down, but I guess that’s what happens when you decided to live for other people. Listen constantly to what others have to say, what they tell you to do. 

Screaming constantly at myself, which in turn is breaking me. Is it possible to fall out of love with who you are? Is it even possible to have in love with who I am? I’m uncontrollable, why do I do the things that I do? I feel like a ticking time bomb. Why is everything my fault

Sometime I really do feel it would better if I didn’t involve myself with anyone and I mean anyone.