Calling 

I call on you in this hour, the timing isn’t right and it never will be. Help me, help me find a way out of this aching pain, help me relieve the heavy pain that pounds within my skull. Help me see the light in other souls, help me see a way out of this devastating soul. 

I’m a sinking ship trying to survive on choppy seas, but I no longer want to be in this salty land. The wind whispers ‘what do you want?’ 

I seek the answer to all my woes, yet their isn’t that many, they are just thoughts at the front of my mind. 

I seek a way to relieve the achiness within my bones and muscles. A way to infuse enthusiasm into my soul. To make me smile with no need, no reason. To see the ray of joy lighten my eyes. I seek a way to find a path, a course to brilliance, to kindness and to a helping life for myself and others. I seek acceptance for myself and to be okay with everyone around me. To enjoy a day for what it is, to embrace the moment and life that gives. 

I call on you in this hour to just be with me, but who are you? What do I truely seek? 

Come away with me 

Hey you, you’ve not spoken to me in a while, makes me think I might have possibly done something wrong or maybe you no longer need me. Or maybe you’re slipping away into the darkness once again. You know this year has been great, almost an adventure in itself. You should be proud of what you’ve done and what you’ve seen and most importantly the time you’ve spent with people. 

I know you have difficulties and that some people get to you, sometimes cut you up and make you wish you never bothered more even gave them a thought. And I’m sorry that they hurt you so and that you take it so deeply. But there’s not much I can do about that, apart from imaginary hugging you, which doesn’t do a lot. 

I’m just proud that you’ve tried every day even though you’re deeply tired of it all and all the fake ness of like for the oddness of what. I’m just proud that you haven’t tried to end it, even though it burns so deeply inside and that you try to cling to something to someone but those something’s/someone’s always let go first, but you still stay with me. Even if you aren’t fully with me. 

It’s always going to me and you, even if that’s never going to be enough, but I’ll always be here for you, even when you no longer want me. 

Feels are multiplying 

Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide. 

The battle field to being awake

Am i dreaming, still continuously in that sleep mode, that we all call sleep, or am I really awake and actually living this reality of a life. I guess when we refer to dreaming, its like an amazing unstoppable life that we’ve always wanted and it must be amazing, not so boring or mundane, well dreaming for me seems like a  thing that does not exist or am I still sleeping whilst I write this. So am I awake or am I sleeping, because honestly I have no clue. I go through the motions of life, never really registering what the hell is actually going on, I blink out when someones trying to talk to me. All I can think about is clouds, even when I feel my eyes closing, something within me, like the motherboard to a computer drive, switches on and still humms, while I close my eyes, So technology I’m not actually sleeping I’m just in darkness mode. I never feel like I actually sleep. In darkness mode, my eyes close for an hour then they are open for another half an hour, then I go back into darkness mode for another two then bam I’m up again and into a cycle we go. Have you ever been so tired that you feel yourself drifting even though your eyes are wide open, have you ever been so tired that you feel sick with tiredness. I know full well I don’t function well when I’m tired, I literally feel as if I’m a sleep, yet I must be awake right? Am I seriously awake?

Crumbles, let me go

Imaginations how you make me swoon. Oh imagination how I wish you’d make my dreams come true. Life of reality how you make my world feel so small. The life of daily breathe makes me shrink with sadness. The world that we live in is no longer good. So much destruction it makes me weep. The meanness and hard stares within the people of humanity makes its feel like an unwelcome place. Why do we people treat us, each other so badly. Surely you can see the similarity in our human comrades. We all strives, all survive with one thing in mind, pure happiness within our beating hearts. Why do people no longer know the sense of kindness and sharing chances? Why are we all so destined to destroy or fight with one another? We all have inner inflictions 

The mind is a complicated organ. It makes us think, sometimes crazy shit, sometimes unbelievable sadness overcomes our sharpe minds. 

My minds destined to crumble, I am my own infliction

Pain swells within my beating heart. I imagine the times of chanced destiny for my oneself but I’m to live a battling game with my one true self. I have no one to blame but me and my beating heart. I want and want all the same as any sane human being. I crave the touch the sadness sharing times with someone I can simply be with. Books use to be a homing comforting place, but now they leave me broken and frustrated with the internal mind games that I play with myself. I dream, just as you would do. I imagine with my wonder mind of simple happiness and discovery. But I’ve truly given up on my shit, there’s no time for all the blah. I’m on borrowed time, the clock stops eventually but when will it be the last tick. My mind is dirty and not in the sense of naughty. It’s dirty with the unhealthy thinking, sadness and loneliness consumes me. I have no one else to blame but me. Only I can change the ways, but I can no longer be bothered to change the destructions. Sometimes it’s too late for some, it’s too late for me. I’m destined for the blackness. The darkness is within my soul, half of it’s already tainted. Let the rest fill pure darkness, I give up, just like I should have done a long time ago

Her

She’s pretty but she don’t know it. She’s a girl I need. A girl I want. She the she. The one and only laughing girl that I need in my world. Missing world, so far without her. She’s a girl that I need to know. Everything yet unknown. She’s a girl I need a girl I want. Where are you girl, I’m waiting but I see you. I just need you to touch my life and hope for the best. I can just tell that my heart will bloom just around you. I see you and it makes me want you. It sends a warmth sensation through my heart. Sending the word I simply need you