Feels are multiplying 

Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide. 

The battle field to being awake

Am i dreaming, still continuously in that sleep mode, that we all call sleep, or am I really awake and actually living this reality of a life. I guess when we refer to dreaming, its like an amazing unstoppable life that we’ve always wanted and it must be amazing, not so boring or mundane, well dreaming for me seems like a  thing that does not exist or am I still sleeping whilst I write this. So am I awake or am I sleeping, because honestly I have no clue. I go through the motions of life, never really registering what the hell is actually going on, I blink out when someones trying to talk to me. All I can think about is clouds, even when I feel my eyes closing, something within me, like the motherboard to a computer drive, switches on and still humms, while I close my eyes, So technology I’m not actually sleeping I’m just in darkness mode. I never feel like I actually sleep. In darkness mode, my eyes close for an hour then they are open for another half an hour, then I go back into darkness mode for another two then bam I’m up again and into a cycle we go. Have you ever been so tired that you feel yourself drifting even though your eyes are wide open, have you ever been so tired that you feel sick with tiredness. I know full well I don’t function well when I’m tired, I literally feel as if I’m a sleep, yet I must be awake right? Am I seriously awake?

Crumbles, let me go

Imaginations how you make me swoon. Oh imagination how I wish you’d make my dreams come true. Life of reality how you make my world feel so small. The life of daily breathe makes me shrink with sadness. The world that we live in is no longer good. So much destruction it makes me weep. The meanness and hard stares within the people of humanity makes its feel like an unwelcome place. Why do we people treat us, each other so badly. Surely you can see the similarity in our human comrades. We all strives, all survive with one thing in mind, pure happiness within our beating hearts. Why do people no longer know the sense of kindness and sharing chances? Why are we all so destined to destroy or fight with one another? We all have inner inflictions 

The mind is a complicated organ. It makes us think, sometimes crazy shit, sometimes unbelievable sadness overcomes our sharpe minds. 

My minds destined to crumble, I am my own infliction

Pain swells within my beating heart. I imagine the times of chanced destiny for my oneself but I’m to live a battling game with my one true self. I have no one to blame but me and my beating heart. I want and want all the same as any sane human being. I crave the touch the sadness sharing times with someone I can simply be with. Books use to be a homing comforting place, but now they leave me broken and frustrated with the internal mind games that I play with myself. I dream, just as you would do. I imagine with my wonder mind of simple happiness and discovery. But I’ve truly given up on my shit, there’s no time for all the blah. I’m on borrowed time, the clock stops eventually but when will it be the last tick. My mind is dirty and not in the sense of naughty. It’s dirty with the unhealthy thinking, sadness and loneliness consumes me. I have no one else to blame but me. Only I can change the ways, but I can no longer be bothered to change the destructions. Sometimes it’s too late for some, it’s too late for me. I’m destined for the blackness. The darkness is within my soul, half of it’s already tainted. Let the rest fill pure darkness, I give up, just like I should have done a long time ago

Her

She’s pretty but she don’t know it. She’s a girl I need. A girl I want. She the she. The one and only laughing girl that I need in my world. Missing world, so far without her. She’s a girl that I need to know. Everything yet unknown. She’s a girl I need a girl I want. Where are you girl, I’m waiting but I see you. I just need you to touch my life and hope for the best. I can just tell that my heart will bloom just around you. I see you and it makes me want you. It sends a warmth sensation through my heart. Sending the word I simply need you

I feel sick

Yucky, disgust sensation is rolling through my body. What are you trying to tell me body?
Am I coming down with something, or is it my emotions playing sensor time on my physical state?
I feel like I’m half saying goodbye, but the other half feeling little a sad loner.
I’m not sure what I feel or how I feel. Its just this yucky sensation
Am I really awake or am I still sleeping
Its just a waiting game
So many unsaid words roll around in my light headed head. So many years of conversation I wish I had said.
The words just left to roll around in my dead empty mind. As numbness rolls through my once aching body.
Who am I, I ask myself once again. I know what I am not, I’m not the person you want me to be. I’m not the person you wish you could love. Ill never be that person, Just like I’ll never be the person you once remembered.
Accept me, I might just forgive, love
Words that make no sense to you, yet they give you an underlining
You question, you ask the selfishness
Sicky, but not you

That feeling!

This feeling of goodness is overwhelming.

Only lasts an instant, but an instant is all I crave.

This feeling of high, of over sensed joy. Just feels so good. Feels like I can accomplish almost anything. Like the feeling of ruling the world

My heart is steady, yet full with pride and joy. It does happen, but it’s so rare.

I like it when simple things make me feel like this.

The push of a run has achieved this feeling. That’s why I’m writing now, to remind myself if I ran when I started to feel shit, a sprint later I feel this unspoken happiness.

It’s just a shame they are only short lived. But Ii’ll take what I can get.

Now it’s time to go to work.

Lets keep the spirit high