Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide.
Reflecting on myself as an individual for many reasons, the main fact is I feel that I am the problem. I don’t like to think I am, but from everyone else’s outer emotions, looks and feelings I get the impression that it is me, my fault for everything, but my mind screams like a mad manic woman, that I put too much pressure on myself, but Susan who else is going to put pressure, who else do I talk to? Reflecting,
I mean I don’t smile, why the freak don’t you smile Abby, who killed you? Who abused you? Who mad you feel so unworthy? No one but myself. Therefore I should smile, right? Think for one second Abby, you make so many people miserable with the pure sight of yourself. Your silly attempts in leading people on, leading people to nowhere. You moan constantly that thousands continue to let you down, that no one gives a single shit about you, but wait a second…. do you even give a flying fuck about anyone else other than your selfish ass? How many times have you said to people yes you’ll meet them but then you change your mind and don’t. How many times have you been given amazing opportunities to only turn them down or better yet be so disrespectful to not even let them know! You want people to give a shit, yet you don’t give a single god damn. It’s almost like you try to make it more emotionally hard on yourself than you actually have too. You expect people to take you to places, go somewhere with you, yet you’re so tight with your dosh so money aware. What do you work for if you have nothing to show for it?
That’s another thing, work. You wanted a full time job, a starting point. You got it, but now it’s too much. You can’t even attend a whole month yet you’re thinking of going to another career that’s more hours, it just doesn’t make sense. You as an individual do not make sense. You want to travel, yet you need someone else to hold your hand with you. But why I ask. When all you do is ruin someone else’s experience. Do you truly want to travel? You don’t take it in, you never take anything in, you constantly think of the next moment. Even now as I write you think about smoking pot to escape your mind. To forget the scream inside. But even that doesn’t work. What do you want? You don’t want to be alone, yet you’ve distanced more people than ever before in the past six months. What have you done? What are you going to do? Who the hell are you, apart from a weird psychopath ? Stop hurting people, if that’s all you plan to do with your sorry self, do us a favour…
As I sit here all I can think about is my world is so small but I’ve seen so much in such a little time. But does seeing things actually qualify as experiencing things? Have I really lived or have I just repeatedly watched it from the side lines, which I keep repeatedly doing. I know I need something, something that probably qualifies as help, but sometimes just having the openness of talking is all someone needs, even if it every now and then. But I have a little difficulty with that, and its internally frustrating. I can quite easily live my life solo but I also crave the comfort of another human, but for that to simply work you have to be able to communicate. Every word that you say people reply with a quick answer, they don’t always hear what you are trying to say. Sometimes in cases you have to be careful for what you say in case others take it the wrong way. Everything has to be watched or said correctly all in the case that someone can simply read or hear it wrongly. Always on edge. Id love to talk, even if its pure nothingness but no one is truly trustworthy anymore, and that’s the sad thing. It burns in my lungs, it makes my voice box close, tears brim on the eyelids, yet the words don’t tumble. I could simply write it, but what’s the point. Its just endless words of internal suffering and no one bothers to comment or ask the simple annoying question ‘are you okay’ Obviously I’m not. It hurts when people say that ‘you’re emotionless’ ‘don’t like seeing you like this’ urm… dude I’m not freaking emotionless I control my emotions, and its to an extend that its killing my soul. I hate being seen as an uncaring human, I hate the fact that people simply look at me and see that there’s something wrong. Yeah I’m breaking on the inside but I’m normal on the outside. I’m not asking for someone or everyone to change my life or direct it as such. Im just asking for someone to actually be hundred percent loyal and trustworthy, but I get it. Not many people like that exist. Ive put myself in a bubble, all my own doing. Im able to do so much but I always stop myself, fear is the main one. So many fears. Then I think and I ask myself whats the point in doing it all? Whats truly the point? There’s simply nothing wrong with me, I’m just a selfish creature who wishes for some comfort but denies myself of that pleasure .
My heart sings, continuously sings. Is it in sadness or desperation for something that everyone seeks, acceptance and love? My heart hums with wants yet the brain deprives it of the things that it mostly wants to feel. A connection a belong, instead of this sadness of feeling excluded and so alone. We all walk this world alone, we are all strangers trying to fit in, trying to be connected to others and feel as if we belong to someone or something, yet some never feel the belong nor the connection. They feel the despair of disconnection, of clouded people yet not within the softness of the cloud. The heart sadness with the acknowledgement that they don’t belong that they don’t fit. The despair is such a big thing. The heart weeps
I feel like I live in a world of loneliness yet I’m continuously surrounded by people, yet I choose not to speak yet I’m burning to talk, but I’m never sure what to say or what I’m going to say. I’m fed up of feeling unmotivated and purely sad. I know the only way to change things is to get up and push yourself through the slog of feelings, but I just don’t have any enthusiasm for that.
I’m lost in the fact that I don’t see where my life is going or heading. I have no direction in life, I have no goals and I cant think of anything that actually interests me or makes me want to achieve.
I feel separated from everyone, like its a task to talk to anyone, its always me making the effort and in return the conversations just end.
It makes me want to leave, but I have no sense of destination, just a picture of a blank empty page.
I expect a lot from myself and I feel guilty when I do hardly anything. I’m fed up of being me, is it possible to hate who you are ?
I’m continuously sad, so sad that it makes me ashamed of what I’ve become. My life isn’t bad, yet I make it out to be destroyable. I have so much yet I have no love for it. I just feel like weeping endlessly and continuously.
I have the ability to live, to see, to be something, yet I cage myself, always finding an excuse to not to the things that I once desired.
Its almost like I’ve locked myself in a hole and I’m burning to get out, but I’m expecting something/someone to pull me out and show me the way. I know that happiness lays within yourself, and its only you who makes life choices. I feel the way that I do, I’m in this pit because of my choices. I don’t know where I’m going
I have nothing to show for my life, apart from the endless moaning. I have no success and nothing to make others proud of.
Who am I, what am I doing
Lets talk, words are affiant enough, at least its some sort of communication. what am I talking about. I have such a hard time talking to people yet its the one thing that I yearn for, yet I cant seem to do it with ready available people, due to me not seeing their honesty. its always the fake people that are ready to hear you out, that’s because its juicy gossip. I don’t want to be juicy gossip. I want someone to hear me out, even if its a load of shit, even if it doesn’t make sense. I so badly want someone to hear me out. I don’t want it to be with someone who just looks at you blankly as though they don’t care. the deep connection. the understanding look. a good listener, which you cant seem to get these days. no one gives a hoot anymore. its why I’m so angry, supressing emotions are killing me. I don’t want to hold them in anymore, but its always been my way. ive done it for ten years. I want to let someone in but I cant, then I reason with myself no one cares anyway, because if they did theyd contact you first or change their priorities, but no one ever does. I know I’m no fun. id like to be, but id like to be completely different but I’m not and I don’t think that it will ever be. I need an explosive shake up, but that’s not going to happen. sorry love but youre on your own.
Trying to inject myself with some motivational happiness is a tough one today, I don’t even think a slap would qualify. The fact that I think I’m on a turn for a emotional breakdown isn’t exactly great. No one wants to see that, but the timing is never justified. If it happens its going to happen.
I have no wave for life today, or yesterday, so I’m guessing tomorrow is going to be extra hard, and the thoughts of next week isn’t exactly the most pleasant feelings. I ask myself constantly why do i do things/ or decide to do things. I’ve put myself down to do a bootcamp, which is all outdoors somewhere down on the coast. All I’ve got is, why Abby? Seriously? It’s not like I’m fat. I can see my reason to doing it without much thoughts I need to get motivated again, I need to move, to get a push, to feel some pain. But in the current state I’m feeling, I don’t even have energy to be there, let alone muster some forced enthusiasm. It’s going to be cold, constant physical activity. It probably won’t be that bad, but well I don’t really need it, but I need something.
As you can tell from my writing, I’m lost, once again. I feel like I’m repeating myself. This is why I hate myself. So contradictory to everything
I want to be like, i don’t really, “Hey babe, how’s it going” Energy to jump up and down, to have a natural smile upon my face, to converse with people on interesting topics.