Calling 

I call on you in this hour, the timing isn’t right and it never will be. Help me, help me find a way out of this aching pain, help me relieve the heavy pain that pounds within my skull. Help me see the light in other souls, help me see a way out of this devastating soul. 

I’m a sinking ship trying to survive on choppy seas, but I no longer want to be in this salty land. The wind whispers ‘what do you want?’ 

I seek the answer to all my woes, yet their isn’t that many, they are just thoughts at the front of my mind. 

I seek a way to relieve the achiness within my bones and muscles. A way to infuse enthusiasm into my soul. To make me smile with no need, no reason. To see the ray of joy lighten my eyes. I seek a way to find a path, a course to brilliance, to kindness and to a helping life for myself and others. I seek acceptance for myself and to be okay with everyone around me. To enjoy a day for what it is, to embrace the moment and life that gives. 

I call on you in this hour to just be with me, but who are you? What do I truely seek? 

To understand …

To understand the world, you must first understand yourself. That is the memo that I keep hearing, keep seeing with my own eyes, on what seems like a daily basis. Its also the thought that I’ve been thinking for the past two years, and in that time I have discovered so many things, seen so many places, gained so many different experiences, yet I still struggle to understand myself, and yet, that maybe why I’m in such an emotional state in this moment of time. I guess with that saying I’ve completely skipped the whole understanding myself, not given it a blind thought, or hoped that by just going off and doing these things, id hoped that it would give me an understanding to myself, but in this very twisted confused written words, I’ve just made myself more confused with who I am, and deeply lost.

Maybe it’s because I immense myself around people, even though I don’t become involved in their lives, I just become in tune with other peoples personalities, and therefore I lose my own sense of human. Maybe it’s because I put myself in places, hoping that being in certain situations/environments that maybe id change as a person. but that all comes down to me not actually liking who I am in a round about way. Is that due to a thousand voices in my mind, or the whispers of those I feel I love and care for, whisper daily little things that have now become a major impact in my daily life, therefore making me feel as I’m not good enough, or a human. But then again I cant go through life blaming for the thoughts/opinions of other people. at the end of the day, if I let someones thoughts/opinions affect my life so sufficiently i’ll never set out to do what id wish to do, or the things that I dream about doing. I cant blames people for how they see me, I cant blame them if they feel as I’m a fault. Maybe I am a fault, but isn’t that sad, that I agree with someone elses thoughts, that I’m a fault. what does that say about what I feel for myself? Not a lot of love, nor possibly not a lot of thought.

Ive had a few people telling me in the past year, that you shouldn’t care so much about what others think of you, you shouldn’t take it so personally to what others say about you. yet I do. I mean, I don’t know how to actually say this, I don’t know how to explain. I guess in a way you could say what people say and think about me is very important to me, but then I don’t really immense myself in other peoples lifes for them to actually know me and to have a 100% true opinion. But then I spend time, I talk to some people and what their thoughts, advice and opinion to my many questions, mean a lot to me, because otherwise why would I speak to you, why would I ask a question if I don’t actually care about the answer.

Is it down to just being a nice human? I’m just so confused with thoughts and life.

I know what id like in life, but I see no point in getting it if you don’t have people surround around you, either giving you support or just being there to talk about the experiences.

I could easily go off and go somewhere and be alone, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about the conversations ive had, the moments that ive had with others. it doesn’t stop me from thinking about all the mistakes ive made, or the times that ive embarrassed myself. It doesn’t stop me from feeling the need to be around certain people, yet I don’t truly want to at times.

I’m a very confused and conflicted individual. I feel as if I know what I want, but when I go and try and get it, it doesn’t give me the feeling that I seek. the feeling of belonging, the feeling of satisfaction of understanding and having value.

I’m a confused individual about my own working mind.

I’m tired of being awake all the time, the sense of being a robot for what.. someone elses entertainment because my life to me, has no happy fun for the darkening lost soul.

Summary; I’m a very insecure individual, who feels to deeply yet doesn’t show it.

Come away with me 

Hey you, you’ve not spoken to me in a while, makes me think I might have possibly done something wrong or maybe you no longer need me. Or maybe you’re slipping away into the darkness once again. You know this year has been great, almost an adventure in itself. You should be proud of what you’ve done and what you’ve seen and most importantly the time you’ve spent with people. 

I know you have difficulties and that some people get to you, sometimes cut you up and make you wish you never bothered more even gave them a thought. And I’m sorry that they hurt you so and that you take it so deeply. But there’s not much I can do about that, apart from imaginary hugging you, which doesn’t do a lot. 

I’m just proud that you’ve tried every day even though you’re deeply tired of it all and all the fake ness of like for the oddness of what. I’m just proud that you haven’t tried to end it, even though it burns so deeply inside and that you try to cling to something to someone but those something’s/someone’s always let go first, but you still stay with me. Even if you aren’t fully with me. 

It’s always going to me and you, even if that’s never going to be enough, but I’ll always be here for you, even when you no longer want me. 

Feels are multiplying 

Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide. 

Reflect,

Reflecting on myself as an individual for many reasons, the main fact is I feel that I am the problem. I don’t like to think I am, but from everyone else’s outer emotions, looks and feelings I get the impression that it is me, my fault for everything, but my mind screams like a mad manic woman, that I put too much pressure on myself, but Susan who else is going to put pressure, who else do I talk to? Reflecting, 

I mean I don’t smile, why the freak don’t you smile Abby, who killed you? Who abused you? Who mad you feel so unworthy? No one but myself. Therefore I should smile, right? Think for one second Abby, you make so many people miserable with the pure sight of yourself. Your silly attempts in leading people on, leading people to nowhere. You moan constantly that thousands continue to let you down, that no one gives a single shit about you, but wait a second…. do you even give a flying fuck about anyone else other than your selfish ass? How many times have you said to people yes you’ll meet them but then you change your mind and don’t. How many times have you been given amazing opportunities to only turn them down or better yet be so disrespectful to not even let them know! You want people to give a shit, yet you don’t give a single god damn. It’s almost like you try to make it more emotionally hard on yourself than you actually have too. You expect people to take you to places, go somewhere with you, yet you’re so tight with your dosh so money aware. What do you work for if you have nothing to show for it? 

That’s another thing, work. You wanted a full time job, a starting point. You got it, but now it’s too much. You can’t even attend a whole month yet you’re thinking of going to another career that’s more hours, it just doesn’t make sense. You as an individual do not make sense. You want to travel, yet you need someone else to hold your hand with you. But why I ask. When all you do is ruin someone else’s experience. Do you truly want to travel? You don’t take it in, you never take anything in, you constantly think of the next moment. Even now as I write you think about smoking pot to escape your mind. To forget the scream inside. But even that doesn’t work. What do you want? You don’t want to be alone, yet you’ve distanced more people than ever before in the past six months. What have you done? What are you going to do? Who the hell are you, apart from a weird psychopath ? Stop hurting people, if that’s all you plan to do with your sorry self, do us a favour…

Snuggle bugle

As I sit here all I can think about is my world is so small but I’ve seen so much in such a little time. But does seeing things actually qualify as experiencing things? Have I really lived or have I just repeatedly watched it from the side lines, which I keep repeatedly doing. I know I need something, something that probably qualifies as help, but sometimes just having the openness of talking is all someone needs, even if it every now and then. But I have a little difficulty with that, and its internally frustrating. I can quite easily live my life solo but I also crave the comfort of another human, but for that to simply work you have to be able to communicate. Every word that you say people reply with a quick answer, they don’t always hear what you are trying to say. Sometimes in cases you have to be careful for what you say in case others take it the wrong way. Everything has to be watched or said correctly all in the case that someone can simply read or hear it wrongly. Always on edge. Id love to talk, even if its pure nothingness but no one is truly trustworthy anymore, and that’s the sad thing. It burns in my lungs, it makes my voice box close, tears brim on the eyelids, yet the words don’t tumble. I could simply write it, but what’s the point. Its just endless words of internal suffering and no one bothers to comment or ask the simple annoying question ‘are you okay’ Obviously I’m not. It hurts when people say that ‘you’re emotionless’ ‘don’t like seeing you like this’ urm… dude I’m not freaking emotionless I control my emotions, and its to an extend that its killing my soul. I hate being seen as an uncaring human, I hate the fact that people simply look at me and see that there’s something wrong. Yeah I’m breaking on the inside but I’m normal on the outside. I’m not asking for someone or everyone to change my life or direct it as such. Im just asking for someone to actually be hundred percent loyal and trustworthy, but I get it. Not many people like that exist. Ive put myself in a bubble, all my own doing. Im able to do so much but I always stop myself, fear is the main one. So many fears. Then I think and I ask myself whats the point in doing it all? Whats truly the point? There’s simply nothing wrong with me, I’m just a selfish creature who wishes for some comfort but denies myself of that pleasure .

-internally conflicted

Heart sings

My heart sings, continuously sings. Is it in sadness or desperation for something that everyone seeks, acceptance and love? My heart hums with wants yet the brain deprives it of the things that it mostly wants to feel. A connection a belong, instead of this sadness of feeling excluded and so alone. We all walk this world alone, we are all strangers trying to fit in, trying to be connected to others and feel as if we belong to someone or something, yet some never feel the belong nor the connection. They feel the despair of disconnection, of clouded people yet not within the softness of the cloud. The heart sadness with the acknowledgement that they don’t belong that they don’t fit. The despair is such a big thing. The heart weeps