Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide.
Reflecting on myself as an individual for many reasons, the main fact is I feel that I am the problem. I don’t like to think I am, but from everyone else’s outer emotions, looks and feelings I get the impression that it is me, my fault for everything, but my mind screams like a mad manic woman, that I put too much pressure on myself, but Susan who else is going to put pressure, who else do I talk to? Reflecting,
I mean I don’t smile, why the freak don’t you smile Abby, who killed you? Who abused you? Who mad you feel so unworthy? No one but myself. Therefore I should smile, right? Think for one second Abby, you make so many people miserable with the pure sight of yourself. Your silly attempts in leading people on, leading people to nowhere. You moan constantly that thousands continue to let you down, that no one gives a single shit about you, but wait a second…. do you even give a flying fuck about anyone else other than your selfish ass? How many times have you said to people yes you’ll meet them but then you change your mind and don’t. How many times have you been given amazing opportunities to only turn them down or better yet be so disrespectful to not even let them know! You want people to give a shit, yet you don’t give a single god damn. It’s almost like you try to make it more emotionally hard on yourself than you actually have too. You expect people to take you to places, go somewhere with you, yet you’re so tight with your dosh so money aware. What do you work for if you have nothing to show for it?
That’s another thing, work. You wanted a full time job, a starting point. You got it, but now it’s too much. You can’t even attend a whole month yet you’re thinking of going to another career that’s more hours, it just doesn’t make sense. You as an individual do not make sense. You want to travel, yet you need someone else to hold your hand with you. But why I ask. When all you do is ruin someone else’s experience. Do you truly want to travel? You don’t take it in, you never take anything in, you constantly think of the next moment. Even now as I write you think about smoking pot to escape your mind. To forget the scream inside. But even that doesn’t work. What do you want? You don’t want to be alone, yet you’ve distanced more people than ever before in the past six months. What have you done? What are you going to do? Who the hell are you, apart from a weird psychopath ? Stop hurting people, if that’s all you plan to do with your sorry self, do us a favour…
My head is crazy, a traffic load of nonsense going at full speed but with an unhappy tune. How do you speak when you feel so alone, so disconnected. How do you voice that voice you yearn to be heard when you don’t know, even yourself, how to say it or how you are actually feeling.
I’m lost in this world, so utterly lost and I have no tether to a place or a human to even remotely feel alive. I want to so battle just cry, but how can you cry when its only you, yourself in this world. I have to pull myself together, I’m the one directing my life, I’m the one who has to give myself some meaning, a path in this world, yet it feels so hard, so difficult and so unworth trying.
Constantly undecided. I’m always looking for someone elses help, yet its never given, but that is besides the point. I guess others cant help you to discover who you are, you have to do that on your own but its the fact that you have to live and feel in this world always constantly on your own and I think that’s the one thing that I continuously struggle with. If I could survive in a room for the rest of my life I would simply do that. My fears are so great and they are controlling my life. What the freaking hell happened to me to become this….. I’m so inwards to myself, I’m so close minded, What happened?
The world is pretty much your freaking oyster, you can do anything, you are the only one who puts restrictions on your life, youre the one who comes up with the excuses, when they don’t have to be excuses. When I know all of this, it makes me even sadder, because I know full well that I’m not trying or living. I feel so disappointed in myself. I feel like I cant literally talk to anyone, not even myself anymore.
I no longer know what the right thing is, I no longer know what I should do
That thing before me, the thing that feels the air with salt, it lays heavy within my lungs, makes me continue my steady walk down to the coldness that now sweeps over my toes, almost tickling them in a way. A few splashes flick up with a few grains of sand, as I continue my walk into the clear blue waters until they surround me, covering at waist height, the way it runs through my open palms. I keep on walking, looking at nothing before me apart from a wide open space that the world calls earth. I’m surrendering myself to this clear salty ocean. I’m slowly but surely still walking through the high seas. My clothes are growing heavy with the water, the tips of my hair becomes wet, yet I don’t care. My soul is bare, I no longer care. Letting my breath go, I’m emerged in to the sea, settling my bottom upon the sandy ground, I close my eyes, letting all air escape. I’m saying goodbye, because the pain that ways heavy in my soul, it’s a continuous ache that i no longer want to feel. Too many remind me of what I’m like and I no longer wish to be that. Goodbye my love because Even Though we are one, even though you make me hurt, I still have the ability to love you but just not care for you.
Today I said goodbye to a dream, to a wish, to a hope, to a fantasy. I do have to say it was a bloody good one, but in honest realistic life it would never happen. It would never commence to the dream, live up to my over explosive imagination. Even though the dream is everything I want/wish.
Todays not been a bad day but I guess that’s because I’ve realised I don’t want this life, I don’t want to feel or be. I no longer want to flutter through life, but I’m happy to go my own way. What I mean by that is, simply be me. I feel for the past six months I’ve tried to be something ill never be. I’ve done the one thing that id hoped id never do, pleasing others, trying to be someone who’s acceptable by others. Even when trying I was being unsuccessful. Surrounding yourself around big believers and big achievers is okay, its nice for a while, but I’m not one of those and ill never will be. don’t get me wrong, we all want to achieve, be like everyone else, living the high life, but I cant, that’s simply because that isn’t me.
Accepting yourself is a continuous journey, a life journey. I wanted to live for you, but I cant, the standards are too high. I don’t want the life that I currently have, I’m in no rush to get to the new one either. I’m just happy with realise that this is me;
the little things
So much id like to say to you. The imagination is a fantasy of game, an explosive dream. Not many you can instantly connect with, or is that my over imaginative mind. Every girls dream. The up lifter, even though I’m pretty sure you’ve had your own difficulties. I like you for who you are. It was nice to hear from you. You were good for the soul, as well as my over reactive mind. I’m glad I had the chance to know you, even if it was only for a little while. Ill always remember you, you kept me dreaming. I wish id had the chance to hug you. One day I might even write about you…
Hey you, Hows it going? Life treating you well? Thats a funny question though, don’t you think. ‘Life treating you well’ That implies that life leads you, when in fact you lead the life that you decide to live. So my dearest honey, why did you come back? Have you got over that what you imagined would happen, isn’t going to happen, yet, or is that going to take another three months of sour feelings?
Knock Knock, whos there? You, and only you. You hold the key to life. You dish out advice and always there to hold someone elses hand. Why don’t you take hold of your own hand and just flee into the world that swirls inside your mind and actually live a little. There always seems to be cages with you. Youve always got something locked away, or hidden. Dont you get tired of being a negative twiddle. I mean, im not trying to be mean. At the end of the day im the only one who actually gets it, Im the one who lives with you constantly and your always tying me down. I ask daily, as you might know, what are you stopping for? Nothing comes to you, No ones going to live for you. I do know thats what you wish for, someone to come along and live it with you, to push you into life and feeling and breath. But my dear honey its not going to happen. Im not softening the blow anymore. You just have to simply do it, whether you want to or not. I know its mainly a no, but if you always say no and achieve nothing with the time that you are presented you aren’t going to be anything. Yes i know youve achieve and done so much this year, but the feelings are the same. All because you wont embrace. You feel as if this year wasn’t an achievement, but let me tell you something. If you hadn’t said yes to the travels you wouldn’t be anywhere, you wouldn’t have seen the amazing Whitsundays, or the clear lake of lake some or other on frazier island. You wouldn’t have met two people who made and tried to make you happy. You wouldn’t have bonded with someone. You wouldn’t have fed a kangaroo or went on an elephant. You wouldn’t have climbed the tallest building in dubai. The world is such a big place and you yes you don’t have a big place in the world, but life is your world. You are what you want to be. You repeatly say you know longer want to be the misery, the anger that shimmers with no control, you want to be able to breathe and enjoy, but its you holding onto that key of destruction.
My dear, your reluctant to grow is so easy to see. Your reluctant to grow up is far clearer than ever before. Its accepting that. No one wants to grow up, you certainly cant be peter pan no longer, not that you ever where. You just have too, its better to accept that than go through it all with dragging feet like a reluctant child.
I know you hate me with a passion of late. I know you don’t want to be told any of this or hear any of this. All you want to do is cuddle in a ball in the warmth of your bed. But your bed brings you nothing.
I love you