Calling 

I call on you in this hour, the timing isn’t right and it never will be. Help me, help me find a way out of this aching pain, help me relieve the heavy pain that pounds within my skull. Help me see the light in other souls, help me see a way out of this devastating soul. 

I’m a sinking ship trying to survive on choppy seas, but I no longer want to be in this salty land. The wind whispers ‘what do you want?’ 

I seek the answer to all my woes, yet their isn’t that many, they are just thoughts at the front of my mind. 

I seek a way to relieve the achiness within my bones and muscles. A way to infuse enthusiasm into my soul. To make me smile with no need, no reason. To see the ray of joy lighten my eyes. I seek a way to find a path, a course to brilliance, to kindness and to a helping life for myself and others. I seek acceptance for myself and to be okay with everyone around me. To enjoy a day for what it is, to embrace the moment and life that gives. 

I call on you in this hour to just be with me, but who are you? What do I truely seek? 

Come away with me 

Hey you, you’ve not spoken to me in a while, makes me think I might have possibly done something wrong or maybe you no longer need me. Or maybe you’re slipping away into the darkness once again. You know this year has been great, almost an adventure in itself. You should be proud of what you’ve done and what you’ve seen and most importantly the time you’ve spent with people. 

I know you have difficulties and that some people get to you, sometimes cut you up and make you wish you never bothered more even gave them a thought. And I’m sorry that they hurt you so and that you take it so deeply. But there’s not much I can do about that, apart from imaginary hugging you, which doesn’t do a lot. 

I’m just proud that you’ve tried every day even though you’re deeply tired of it all and all the fake ness of like for the oddness of what. I’m just proud that you haven’t tried to end it, even though it burns so deeply inside and that you try to cling to something to someone but those something’s/someone’s always let go first, but you still stay with me. Even if you aren’t fully with me. 

It’s always going to me and you, even if that’s never going to be enough, but I’ll always be here for you, even when you no longer want me. 

Answer me this 

Why won’t you take it? It’s more money than what you get. It’s something completely different to what you are doing, which is what you wanted. It’s something new, it’s a start in a new career. 
What’s the point in searching for something continuously, then applying, then going on these things if you have no intention of actually taking it. 

So why aren’t you taking it? 

Are you scared? Are you afraid? Do you think it will be to difficult? Is it because it’s not what you thought and you can seeing it being another repetitive on and on job? Is it because you have no soul and no longer care what you do with your life? Is it because you always look at the longer picture and you don’t like what you see? Is it because you don’t want people to get to know you? Is it because you’ll have to actually talk? I don’t get why you do it. I don’t understand why one minute you’re all positive, strive for something new and be like all adventurous, and then when it prescents it’s self you back off because you’re too scared to take it. What are you scared of? Failing? You fail every time you don’t take an opportunity. It’s not something you want to do for the rest of your life, so what is? 

Feels are multiplying 

Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide. 

Reflect,

Reflecting on myself as an individual for many reasons, the main fact is I feel that I am the problem. I don’t like to think I am, but from everyone else’s outer emotions, looks and feelings I get the impression that it is me, my fault for everything, but my mind screams like a mad manic woman, that I put too much pressure on myself, but Susan who else is going to put pressure, who else do I talk to? Reflecting, 

I mean I don’t smile, why the freak don’t you smile Abby, who killed you? Who abused you? Who mad you feel so unworthy? No one but myself. Therefore I should smile, right? Think for one second Abby, you make so many people miserable with the pure sight of yourself. Your silly attempts in leading people on, leading people to nowhere. You moan constantly that thousands continue to let you down, that no one gives a single shit about you, but wait a second…. do you even give a flying fuck about anyone else other than your selfish ass? How many times have you said to people yes you’ll meet them but then you change your mind and don’t. How many times have you been given amazing opportunities to only turn them down or better yet be so disrespectful to not even let them know! You want people to give a shit, yet you don’t give a single god damn. It’s almost like you try to make it more emotionally hard on yourself than you actually have too. You expect people to take you to places, go somewhere with you, yet you’re so tight with your dosh so money aware. What do you work for if you have nothing to show for it? 

That’s another thing, work. You wanted a full time job, a starting point. You got it, but now it’s too much. You can’t even attend a whole month yet you’re thinking of going to another career that’s more hours, it just doesn’t make sense. You as an individual do not make sense. You want to travel, yet you need someone else to hold your hand with you. But why I ask. When all you do is ruin someone else’s experience. Do you truly want to travel? You don’t take it in, you never take anything in, you constantly think of the next moment. Even now as I write you think about smoking pot to escape your mind. To forget the scream inside. But even that doesn’t work. What do you want? You don’t want to be alone, yet you’ve distanced more people than ever before in the past six months. What have you done? What are you going to do? Who the hell are you, apart from a weird psychopath ? Stop hurting people, if that’s all you plan to do with your sorry self, do us a favour…

Silent Voice

My head is crazy, a traffic load of nonsense going at full speed but with an unhappy tune. How do you speak when you feel so alone, so disconnected. How do you voice that voice you yearn to be heard when you don’t know, even yourself, how to say it or how you are actually feeling.

I’m lost in this world, so utterly lost and I have no tether to a place or a human to even remotely feel alive. I want to so battle just cry, but how can you cry when its only you, yourself in this world. I have to pull myself together, I’m the one directing my life, I’m the one who has to give myself some meaning, a path in this world, yet it feels so hard, so difficult and so unworth trying.

Constantly undecided. I’m always looking for someone elses help, yet its never given, but that is besides the point. I guess others cant help you to discover who you are, you have to do that on your own but its the fact that you have to live and feel in this world always constantly on your own and I think that’s the one thing that I continuously struggle with. If I could survive in a room for the rest of my life I would simply do that. My fears are so great and they are controlling my life. What the freaking hell happened to me to become this….. I’m so inwards to myself, I’m so close minded, What happened?

The world is pretty much your freaking oyster, you can do anything, you are the only one who puts restrictions on your life, youre the one who comes up with the excuses, when they don’t have to be excuses. When I know all of this, it makes me even sadder, because I know full well that I’m not trying or living. I feel so disappointed in myself. I feel like I cant literally talk to anyone, not even myself anymore.

I no longer know what the right thing is, I no longer know what I should do

 

Ocean

That thing before me, the thing that feels the air with salt, it lays heavy within my lungs, makes me continue my steady walk down to the coldness that now sweeps over my toes, almost tickling them in a way. A few splashes flick up with a few grains of sand, as I continue my walk into the clear blue waters until they surround me, covering at waist height, the way it runs through my open palms. I keep on walking, looking at nothing before me apart from a wide open space that the world calls earth. I’m surrendering myself to this clear salty ocean. I’m slowly but surely still walking through the high seas. My clothes are growing heavy with the water, the tips of my hair becomes wet, yet I don’t care. My soul is bare, I no longer care. Letting my breath go, I’m emerged in to the sea, settling my bottom upon the sandy ground, I close my eyes, letting all air escape. I’m saying goodbye, because the pain that ways heavy in my soul, it’s a continuous ache that i no longer want to feel. Too many remind me of what I’m like and I no longer wish to be that. Goodbye my love because Even Though we are one, even though you make me hurt, I still have the ability to love you but just not care for you.