Am i dreaming, still continuously in that sleep mode, that we all call sleep, or am I really awake and actually living this reality of a life. I guess when we refer to dreaming, its like an amazing unstoppable life that we’ve always wanted and it must be amazing, not so boring or mundane, well dreaming for me seems like a thing that does not exist or am I still sleeping whilst I write this. So am I awake or am I sleeping, because honestly I have no clue. I go through the motions of life, never really registering what the hell is actually going on, I blink out when someones trying to talk to me. All I can think about is clouds, even when I feel my eyes closing, something within me, like the motherboard to a computer drive, switches on and still humms, while I close my eyes, So technology I’m not actually sleeping I’m just in darkness mode. I never feel like I actually sleep. In darkness mode, my eyes close for an hour then they are open for another half an hour, then I go back into darkness mode for another two then bam I’m up again and into a cycle we go. Have you ever been so tired that you feel yourself drifting even though your eyes are wide open, have you ever been so tired that you feel sick with tiredness. I know full well I don’t function well when I’m tired, I literally feel as if I’m a sleep, yet I must be awake right? Am I seriously awake?
Reflecting on myself as an individual for many reasons, the main fact is I feel that I am the problem. I don’t like to think I am, but from everyone else’s outer emotions, looks and feelings I get the impression that it is me, my fault for everything, but my mind screams like a mad manic woman, that I put too much pressure on myself, but Susan who else is going to put pressure, who else do I talk to? Reflecting,
I mean I don’t smile, why the freak don’t you smile Abby, who killed you? Who abused you? Who mad you feel so unworthy? No one but myself. Therefore I should smile, right? Think for one second Abby, you make so many people miserable with the pure sight of yourself. Your silly attempts in leading people on, leading people to nowhere. You moan constantly that thousands continue to let you down, that no one gives a single shit about you, but wait a second…. do you even give a flying fuck about anyone else other than your selfish ass? How many times have you said to people yes you’ll meet them but then you change your mind and don’t. How many times have you been given amazing opportunities to only turn them down or better yet be so disrespectful to not even let them know! You want people to give a shit, yet you don’t give a single god damn. It’s almost like you try to make it more emotionally hard on yourself than you actually have too. You expect people to take you to places, go somewhere with you, yet you’re so tight with your dosh so money aware. What do you work for if you have nothing to show for it?
That’s another thing, work. You wanted a full time job, a starting point. You got it, but now it’s too much. You can’t even attend a whole month yet you’re thinking of going to another career that’s more hours, it just doesn’t make sense. You as an individual do not make sense. You want to travel, yet you need someone else to hold your hand with you. But why I ask. When all you do is ruin someone else’s experience. Do you truly want to travel? You don’t take it in, you never take anything in, you constantly think of the next moment. Even now as I write you think about smoking pot to escape your mind. To forget the scream inside. But even that doesn’t work. What do you want? You don’t want to be alone, yet you’ve distanced more people than ever before in the past six months. What have you done? What are you going to do? Who the hell are you, apart from a weird psychopath ? Stop hurting people, if that’s all you plan to do with your sorry self, do us a favour…
My head is crazy, a traffic load of nonsense going at full speed but with an unhappy tune. How do you speak when you feel so alone, so disconnected. How do you voice that voice you yearn to be heard when you don’t know, even yourself, how to say it or how you are actually feeling.
I’m lost in this world, so utterly lost and I have no tether to a place or a human to even remotely feel alive. I want to so battle just cry, but how can you cry when its only you, yourself in this world. I have to pull myself together, I’m the one directing my life, I’m the one who has to give myself some meaning, a path in this world, yet it feels so hard, so difficult and so unworth trying.
Constantly undecided. I’m always looking for someone elses help, yet its never given, but that is besides the point. I guess others cant help you to discover who you are, you have to do that on your own but its the fact that you have to live and feel in this world always constantly on your own and I think that’s the one thing that I continuously struggle with. If I could survive in a room for the rest of my life I would simply do that. My fears are so great and they are controlling my life. What the freaking hell happened to me to become this….. I’m so inwards to myself, I’m so close minded, What happened?
The world is pretty much your freaking oyster, you can do anything, you are the only one who puts restrictions on your life, youre the one who comes up with the excuses, when they don’t have to be excuses. When I know all of this, it makes me even sadder, because I know full well that I’m not trying or living. I feel so disappointed in myself. I feel like I cant literally talk to anyone, not even myself anymore.
I no longer know what the right thing is, I no longer know what I should do
Sleepless nights seem to battle me but for some reason when you’re by my side my dreams become dreams, i’m lifted off to la la land. I’m dreaming peacefully wrapped in your warm embrace.
I’d never thought i’d ever get lost in anothers touch, it’s not even sexual, which id thought was never a possibility, but the simplicity of being here, laying in your warmth is a thing id never thought would happen for myself. I’d always try and avoid contact, any sign of physical touch or emotion. I find it hard to vocally express but being with you just seems simple. I feel no need to cover the quietness with unnecessary conversation or words. It just feels compatible. I don’t feel the sweaty palm of awkwardness. It’s comfortable. No racing thoughts, no doubt or insecurities to whether i’m doing this or i should be doing this. It just feels comfortable, it feels genuine.
The heat from your body soothes my soul, the beat of your heart is music to my ears, your touch is like a welcomed pleasure, making my blood hum with content.
Snuggling deeper into your embrace, feeling the squeeze of your arms makes me let out a contented sigh, giving you a kiss upon the chest i close my eyes content in the moment, not a thought of the past nor worry for the future.
That thing before me, the thing that feels the air with salt, it lays heavy within my lungs, makes me continue my steady walk down to the coldness that now sweeps over my toes, almost tickling them in a way. A few splashes flick up with a few grains of sand, as I continue my walk into the clear blue waters until they surround me, covering at waist height, the way it runs through my open palms. I keep on walking, looking at nothing before me apart from a wide open space that the world calls earth. I’m surrendering myself to this clear salty ocean. I’m slowly but surely still walking through the high seas. My clothes are growing heavy with the water, the tips of my hair becomes wet, yet I don’t care. My soul is bare, I no longer care. Letting my breath go, I’m emerged in to the sea, settling my bottom upon the sandy ground, I close my eyes, letting all air escape. I’m saying goodbye, because the pain that ways heavy in my soul, it’s a continuous ache that i no longer want to feel. Too many remind me of what I’m like and I no longer wish to be that. Goodbye my love because Even Though we are one, even though you make me hurt, I still have the ability to love you but just not care for you.
Today I said goodbye to a dream, to a wish, to a hope, to a fantasy. I do have to say it was a bloody good one, but in honest realistic life it would never happen. It would never commence to the dream, live up to my over explosive imagination. Even though the dream is everything I want/wish.
Todays not been a bad day but I guess that’s because I’ve realised I don’t want this life, I don’t want to feel or be. I no longer want to flutter through life, but I’m happy to go my own way. What I mean by that is, simply be me. I feel for the past six months I’ve tried to be something ill never be. I’ve done the one thing that id hoped id never do, pleasing others, trying to be someone who’s acceptable by others. Even when trying I was being unsuccessful. Surrounding yourself around big believers and big achievers is okay, its nice for a while, but I’m not one of those and ill never will be. don’t get me wrong, we all want to achieve, be like everyone else, living the high life, but I cant, that’s simply because that isn’t me.
Accepting yourself is a continuous journey, a life journey. I wanted to live for you, but I cant, the standards are too high. I don’t want the life that I currently have, I’m in no rush to get to the new one either. I’m just happy with realise that this is me;
the little things
So much id like to say to you. The imagination is a fantasy of game, an explosive dream. Not many you can instantly connect with, or is that my over imaginative mind. Every girls dream. The up lifter, even though I’m pretty sure you’ve had your own difficulties. I like you for who you are. It was nice to hear from you. You were good for the soul, as well as my over reactive mind. I’m glad I had the chance to know you, even if it was only for a little while. Ill always remember you, you kept me dreaming. I wish id had the chance to hug you. One day I might even write about you…