Calling 

I call on you in this hour, the timing isn’t right and it never will be. Help me, help me find a way out of this aching pain, help me relieve the heavy pain that pounds within my skull. Help me see the light in other souls, help me see a way out of this devastating soul. 

I’m a sinking ship trying to survive on choppy seas, but I no longer want to be in this salty land. The wind whispers ‘what do you want?’ 

I seek the answer to all my woes, yet their isn’t that many, they are just thoughts at the front of my mind. 

I seek a way to relieve the achiness within my bones and muscles. A way to infuse enthusiasm into my soul. To make me smile with no need, no reason. To see the ray of joy lighten my eyes. I seek a way to find a path, a course to brilliance, to kindness and to a helping life for myself and others. I seek acceptance for myself and to be okay with everyone around me. To enjoy a day for what it is, to embrace the moment and life that gives. 

I call on you in this hour to just be with me, but who are you? What do I truely seek? 

To understand …

To understand the world, you must first understand yourself. That is the memo that I keep hearing, keep seeing with my own eyes, on what seems like a daily basis. Its also the thought that I’ve been thinking for the past two years, and in that time I have discovered so many things, seen so many places, gained so many different experiences, yet I still struggle to understand myself, and yet, that maybe why I’m in such an emotional state in this moment of time. I guess with that saying I’ve completely skipped the whole understanding myself, not given it a blind thought, or hoped that by just going off and doing these things, id hoped that it would give me an understanding to myself, but in this very twisted confused written words, I’ve just made myself more confused with who I am, and deeply lost.

Maybe it’s because I immense myself around people, even though I don’t become involved in their lives, I just become in tune with other peoples personalities, and therefore I lose my own sense of human. Maybe it’s because I put myself in places, hoping that being in certain situations/environments that maybe id change as a person. but that all comes down to me not actually liking who I am in a round about way. Is that due to a thousand voices in my mind, or the whispers of those I feel I love and care for, whisper daily little things that have now become a major impact in my daily life, therefore making me feel as I’m not good enough, or a human. But then again I cant go through life blaming for the thoughts/opinions of other people. at the end of the day, if I let someones thoughts/opinions affect my life so sufficiently i’ll never set out to do what id wish to do, or the things that I dream about doing. I cant blames people for how they see me, I cant blame them if they feel as I’m a fault. Maybe I am a fault, but isn’t that sad, that I agree with someone elses thoughts, that I’m a fault. what does that say about what I feel for myself? Not a lot of love, nor possibly not a lot of thought.

Ive had a few people telling me in the past year, that you shouldn’t care so much about what others think of you, you shouldn’t take it so personally to what others say about you. yet I do. I mean, I don’t know how to actually say this, I don’t know how to explain. I guess in a way you could say what people say and think about me is very important to me, but then I don’t really immense myself in other peoples lifes for them to actually know me and to have a 100% true opinion. But then I spend time, I talk to some people and what their thoughts, advice and opinion to my many questions, mean a lot to me, because otherwise why would I speak to you, why would I ask a question if I don’t actually care about the answer.

Is it down to just being a nice human? I’m just so confused with thoughts and life.

I know what id like in life, but I see no point in getting it if you don’t have people surround around you, either giving you support or just being there to talk about the experiences.

I could easily go off and go somewhere and be alone, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about the conversations ive had, the moments that ive had with others. it doesn’t stop me from thinking about all the mistakes ive made, or the times that ive embarrassed myself. It doesn’t stop me from feeling the need to be around certain people, yet I don’t truly want to at times.

I’m a very confused and conflicted individual. I feel as if I know what I want, but when I go and try and get it, it doesn’t give me the feeling that I seek. the feeling of belonging, the feeling of satisfaction of understanding and having value.

I’m a confused individual about my own working mind.

I’m tired of being awake all the time, the sense of being a robot for what.. someone elses entertainment because my life to me, has no happy fun for the darkening lost soul.

Summary; I’m a very insecure individual, who feels to deeply yet doesn’t show it.

Thoughts of no…reason

Struggling but I see no reason why. Sadness overwhelms me almost like the pouring skies outside. I’m no longer sure if this is the way or what I should stand for. I want to leave this city, yet more so the soul that weighs heavy within my deepened bones.

Don’t cry my love, everyday comes and goes, even when you no longer want it to. Its a shame really, that you no longer see what you could possibly be. Its only you who should matter, the single soul, the driver of your own game, but you knew that. Yet you let a thousand thoughts/opinions resonate within your voltex of your mind. Changing you without your consent, let alone your own acknolwdgement. you do a thousand things that you don’t actually want to do just to please others. Yet where are they when youre feeling so lost and insecure as if you no longer want to breathe in this big city of a world. where are all the connections that you supposebly had? I no longer want to do this, why wont you let me leave. you make me cry so deeply inside everyday for what? None of this makes me happy, and you know it. Yet you keep me here, as if I’m locked in a cage, for whose amusement might I ask. No ones, yet you continue to do this to me, but why? Its the why that I struggle with, the understanding of your sadistic mind. You mess me up, you break me apart, for whose pleasure? Because it surely isn’t mine or ours, as we are one in this doom and gloom.

Help me

Come away with me 

Hey you, you’ve not spoken to me in a while, makes me think I might have possibly done something wrong or maybe you no longer need me. Or maybe you’re slipping away into the darkness once again. You know this year has been great, almost an adventure in itself. You should be proud of what you’ve done and what you’ve seen and most importantly the time you’ve spent with people. 

I know you have difficulties and that some people get to you, sometimes cut you up and make you wish you never bothered more even gave them a thought. And I’m sorry that they hurt you so and that you take it so deeply. But there’s not much I can do about that, apart from imaginary hugging you, which doesn’t do a lot. 

I’m just proud that you’ve tried every day even though you’re deeply tired of it all and all the fake ness of like for the oddness of what. I’m just proud that you haven’t tried to end it, even though it burns so deeply inside and that you try to cling to something to someone but those something’s/someone’s always let go first, but you still stay with me. Even if you aren’t fully with me. 

It’s always going to me and you, even if that’s never going to be enough, but I’ll always be here for you, even when you no longer want me. 

Answer me this 

Why won’t you take it? It’s more money than what you get. It’s something completely different to what you are doing, which is what you wanted. It’s something new, it’s a start in a new career. 
What’s the point in searching for something continuously, then applying, then going on these things if you have no intention of actually taking it. 

So why aren’t you taking it? 

Are you scared? Are you afraid? Do you think it will be to difficult? Is it because it’s not what you thought and you can seeing it being another repetitive on and on job? Is it because you have no soul and no longer care what you do with your life? Is it because you always look at the longer picture and you don’t like what you see? Is it because you don’t want people to get to know you? Is it because you’ll have to actually talk? I don’t get why you do it. I don’t understand why one minute you’re all positive, strive for something new and be like all adventurous, and then when it prescents it’s self you back off because you’re too scared to take it. What are you scared of? Failing? You fail every time you don’t take an opportunity. It’s not something you want to do for the rest of your life, so what is? 

Bone to the Bone

Sounds like a familiar title at the moment, don’t you think? To the Bone

I watched that today, whilst I was feeling sorry for myself, what with all the opportunities that are thrown at me, and I take neither. As well as the fact that I literally feel like ive been run over by a car, yet I feel the pressure to make a hundred bucks, so yeah I watched that film. The one about anorexia. Interesting, yet disturbing, yet more interesting. Its weird, yet sad, yet surprisingly … , not sure of the word, the things that we put ourselves through, just for what? To look slim, yet feel no love for the body that we try so desperately to create. To seem okay on the outside, yet on the inside we are utterly crumbling with despair, for what? We live for this imagery goal, a goal that we want so many others to see, to make sure they are aware of what we achieve, but for what? Words of well done, words of criticism, words of disappointment, to make our own hearts feel as if they are tearing apart. its almost as if we go out of our own way to make things difficult for ourselves, for a goal that will never be achieved because we expect so much more, as well as something that will never be.

Bones are the structures that keep me up. Bones are foundation to my moving abilities. I walk because of these bones, allowing my eyes to see so much and take in, absorbing into the delicate tissue of my brain.

Who am I? I ask myself daily, who will I be, I continuously ask with every heart beat. I feel so lost, so continuously lost, that I no longer know what is right and what is wrong, what the point in life when you have no goals, nothing that truly gets the heart beating. is this how its going to be, a fizzle out stage all the time, floating through life on some indestructible bones?

Because I don’t want that, when are the bones going to crumble? when am I really going to appreciated the foundation of these bones’? the shell of life, what am I suppose to do. The choice is always mine, but I no longer want the choice

Tiredness, life of repeat

arent you tired? Because I am, so tired of this false pretence that I could weep for years, have my whole body tremble with such misery. It consumes me so, so much that I no longer have hope out of this bleak darkened tunnel. I’m tired of this false pretence. I’m tired of getting up everyday, the crack of dawn calling, the filter of motivation of automatic, depanding that I go for a walk, to count endlesss steps until and hour and a half have past. To tremble slowly back to the place called home, to then push myself through the motions of getting ready for work, a place that I do not want to attend, but if you want things, things that require money or the basics of surviving you have to attend the motions of work. I do, but not always and even in days of unsuccess, I still feel tired. Like an old shrew where your body creaks, with a mind that feels so bleak. How do you get out of feeling such despair at the life that you’ve created, a life of endless tiredness of repeat? Every days the same, no joy in knowing that simple thing, no feeling of comfort or excitement runs through my blood. What could possibly make a human feel so good? I know you can’t feel great a hundred percent of the time but what could possibly give a human hope, to feel something good at least eighty percent of the time? Is there even such a thing? My shoulders continuously feel heavy with an unknown weight. A weight of what I might ask? What do I do that is so wrong for me to feel like a deflated balloon on a lifeless string that has no meaning. Why won’t you let me scream at the top of the mountain, surround myself in the woods of ever green? Oh you say, that won’t make a difference my dear you’re destined for a life of misery because you expect so much for so little that you put in. You’ve created this world for you, no One else’s fault but your own for your own happiness. People can’t make you happy, just change the way you process, the way you see thing and be a little more open and then maybe you might have a chance in happiness. Oh how you make me weep with such sadness at such an expectation. I’ll never be able to do that and you know. You know, that’s why you say such words to make me feel no hope at all. A life of tiredness repeat.