To understand the world, you must first understand yourself. That is the memo that I keep hearing, keep seeing with my own eyes, on what seems like a daily basis. Its also the thought that I’ve been thinking for the past two years, and in that time I have discovered so many things, seen so many places, gained so many different experiences, yet I still struggle to understand myself, and yet, that maybe why I’m in such an emotional state in this moment of time. I guess with that saying I’ve completely skipped the whole understanding myself, not given it a blind thought, or hoped that by just going off and doing these things, id hoped that it would give me an understanding to myself, but in this very twisted confused written words, I’ve just made myself more confused with who I am, and deeply lost.
Maybe it’s because I immense myself around people, even though I don’t become involved in their lives, I just become in tune with other peoples personalities, and therefore I lose my own sense of human. Maybe it’s because I put myself in places, hoping that being in certain situations/environments that maybe id change as a person. but that all comes down to me not actually liking who I am in a round about way. Is that due to a thousand voices in my mind, or the whispers of those I feel I love and care for, whisper daily little things that have now become a major impact in my daily life, therefore making me feel as I’m not good enough, or a human. But then again I cant go through life blaming for the thoughts/opinions of other people. at the end of the day, if I let someones thoughts/opinions affect my life so sufficiently i’ll never set out to do what id wish to do, or the things that I dream about doing. I cant blames people for how they see me, I cant blame them if they feel as I’m a fault. Maybe I am a fault, but isn’t that sad, that I agree with someone elses thoughts, that I’m a fault. what does that say about what I feel for myself? Not a lot of love, nor possibly not a lot of thought.
Ive had a few people telling me in the past year, that you shouldn’t care so much about what others think of you, you shouldn’t take it so personally to what others say about you. yet I do. I mean, I don’t know how to actually say this, I don’t know how to explain. I guess in a way you could say what people say and think about me is very important to me, but then I don’t really immense myself in other peoples lifes for them to actually know me and to have a 100% true opinion. But then I spend time, I talk to some people and what their thoughts, advice and opinion to my many questions, mean a lot to me, because otherwise why would I speak to you, why would I ask a question if I don’t actually care about the answer.
Is it down to just being a nice human? I’m just so confused with thoughts and life.
I know what id like in life, but I see no point in getting it if you don’t have people surround around you, either giving you support or just being there to talk about the experiences.
I could easily go off and go somewhere and be alone, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about the conversations ive had, the moments that ive had with others. it doesn’t stop me from thinking about all the mistakes ive made, or the times that ive embarrassed myself. It doesn’t stop me from feeling the need to be around certain people, yet I don’t truly want to at times.
I’m a very confused and conflicted individual. I feel as if I know what I want, but when I go and try and get it, it doesn’t give me the feeling that I seek. the feeling of belonging, the feeling of satisfaction of understanding and having value.
I’m a confused individual about my own working mind.
I’m tired of being awake all the time, the sense of being a robot for what.. someone elses entertainment because my life to me, has no happy fun for the darkening lost soul.
Summary; I’m a very insecure individual, who feels to deeply yet doesn’t show it.