written words

As I stare at this shed, the representation of a new meaning, a new beginning, I imagine the life that could have been, I imagine tearing it to shreds. There, just in those thoughts alone are a confliction of my inner world.

As I shiver outside I imagine what it must be like for the poor, the unfortunate that have nothing apart from the breath that they utter, but it doesn’t make me weep. Infact it makes me think unkind things.

How did you get there? Why are you in that situation? Why do you have nothing? Surely you didn’t try hard enough?

I guess some people are oblivious to what journey they are on. I guess some are not aware that one single thought, feeling, yes, no, choice, chance sets you on a path/course.

So I guess you could say if you have a problem or a situation you are currently in, it could have been easily avoided if when the first beginnings of the situation arose you could have dealt with it then. But I guess as every life is our own why should we consider others around us. that’s why so many appear selfish but I feel that many don’t actually realise the significant some people play in others lifes. I guess its down to the individuals feelings about someone.

Its like why do I take it so personal, so angry, when someone doesn’t hear me?

The simple answer is I want them to actually hear me, to actually care.

Some could say my life is fine

Some could say my life is falling apart

But both of those opinions are based on observing points of views. No one actually asks How are you. Don’t get me wrong many people do everyday, but how many actually truly care.

Lifes infuriating, people are precious.

Lifes a choice

Clock continues to tick whatever the choice.

The heart continues to beat whatever the feeling

maybe I’m not being loud and clear here

Maybe my indecisiveness conflicts my feelings

Thousands of souls are continuously lost

Thousands go unheard

I’m just one more, why would I be any different

Life continues even when you fall out with someone

Life continues even when you lose someone

Life continues even when you are alone

What do you want from life? You are all alone

We cry, we weep, its utterly soul destroying, So soul destroying I fall to my knees. We are surrounded by people, we shouldn’t be so alone. I continue to cry and weep always on my own. No ones here to pick me up and put me on my feet. I , me, do that all alone. I continue even when I truly don’t want too. I have nothing to weep for. I have no reason to feel so depleted. I have no reason, no excuse to feel the way that I do. Its infuriating when I feel like this, which is nearly everyday, yet the sadness always out ways.

The choice is yours to live or to live

What you do everyday, what you miss out on, who you speak to

Most importantly its how you treat number one, I don’t like being number one.

C

What do you expect when you go to the doctors?

Do you expect to go for a friendly unimportant chat? A light hearted laugh? To waste an important, Doctors, persons time? To just go for the fun of it? Because you know, we have nothing better to do with our lives.

The answer is NO,

We most certainly do not want to waste anyones time, especially when people go to see a doctor for an actual health reason.

Tell me, what else do you expect from a doctors surgery? Efficiency? Being seen on the actual time appointment is given? Apologies given if running late, or maybe even a choice to reschedule?

It may seem impossible when someone has an aliment or a condition, but life still keeps going, just like the clock on the wall.

I can understand that you get many patients within a day, I can understand that you may be running late, but how many me(s) do you get?

Like today, I didn’t come because I fancied it, I came in because I received a very vague letter regarding my blood results, as you can imagine with that you might possibly think the worst, but to come in, running late in the surgery, which is fine and fair enough, but to receive no apologies for lateness, then to basically see someone who cant understand why Ive been called in.

Let me ask you a question; Why do doctors sit behind a computer screen? Why do you keep records? I guess that’s to keep detailed accounts of each patient you see so that the notes can be passed on or for other doctors to read, I guess my guess is as good as yours.

As ive said, I don’t come to see a doctor because I felt like it, so you can imagine how I must be feeling at this time, or you can not bother. I mean I am an over imaginative person.

I apologies for the sarcasm of this complaint, its just, I feel very annoyed. I see a doctor because I want/need help. I come to you because I don’t know whats going on with my body. I come to you because I hope that you can tell me whats wrong with me. When something doesn’t feel right, what do you do? ….

Everyday I’m in pain. Maybe I should just switch off, oh but I’m not a machine, I cant stop what I feel.

I really do feel that some improvements need to be made.

Having a timely run surgery would be a great start, or having a well documented accounts. Or even not wasting patients time. You don’t like patients wasting doctors time, so maybe give patients the same curtesy. Instead of giving me a vague letter  regarding my blood results, you could have explained in the letter whatever it was you actually wanted to see me about. Because I still don’t know.

Thank you for wasting my day and time. I do hope the surgery improves. I will continue to suffer silently.

The battle field to being awake

Am i dreaming, still continuously in that sleep mode, that we all call sleep, or am I really awake and actually living this reality of a life. I guess when we refer to dreaming, its like an amazing unstoppable life that we’ve always wanted and it must be amazing, not so boring or mundane, well dreaming for me seems like a  thing that does not exist or am I still sleeping whilst I write this. So am I awake or am I sleeping, because honestly I have no clue. I go through the motions of life, never really registering what the hell is actually going on, I blink out when someones trying to talk to me. All I can think about is clouds, even when I feel my eyes closing, something within me, like the motherboard to a computer drive, switches on and still humms, while I close my eyes, So technology I’m not actually sleeping I’m just in darkness mode. I never feel like I actually sleep. In darkness mode, my eyes close for an hour then they are open for another half an hour, then I go back into darkness mode for another two then bam I’m up again and into a cycle we go. Have you ever been so tired that you feel yourself drifting even though your eyes are wide open, have you ever been so tired that you feel sick with tiredness. I know full well I don’t function well when I’m tired, I literally feel as if I’m a sleep, yet I must be awake right? Am I seriously awake?