That thing before me, the thing that feels the air with salt, it lays heavy within my lungs, makes me continue my steady walk down to the coldness that now sweeps over my toes, almost tickling them in a way. A few splashes flick up with a few grains of sand, as I continue my walk into the clear blue waters until they surround me, covering at waist height, the way it runs through my open palms. I keep on walking, looking at nothing before me apart from a wide open space that the world calls earth. I’m surrendering myself to this clear salty ocean. I’m slowly but surely still walking through the high seas. My clothes are growing heavy with the water, the tips of my hair becomes wet, yet I don’t care. My soul is bare, I no longer care. Letting my breath go, I’m emerged in to the sea, settling my bottom upon the sandy ground, I close my eyes, letting all air escape. I’m saying goodbye, because the pain that ways heavy in my soul, it’s a continuous ache that i no longer want to feel. Too many remind me of what I’m like and I no longer wish to be that. Goodbye my love because Even Though we are one, even though you make me hurt, I still have the ability to love you but just not care for you.
Today I said goodbye to a dream, to a wish, to a hope, to a fantasy. I do have to say it was a bloody good one, but in honest realistic life it would never happen. It would never commence to the dream, live up to my over explosive imagination. Even though the dream is everything I want/wish.
Todays not been a bad day but I guess that’s because I’ve realised I don’t want this life, I don’t want to feel or be. I no longer want to flutter through life, but I’m happy to go my own way. What I mean by that is, simply be me. I feel for the past six months I’ve tried to be something ill never be. I’ve done the one thing that id hoped id never do, pleasing others, trying to be someone who’s acceptable by others. Even when trying I was being unsuccessful. Surrounding yourself around big believers and big achievers is okay, its nice for a while, but I’m not one of those and ill never will be. don’t get me wrong, we all want to achieve, be like everyone else, living the high life, but I cant, that’s simply because that isn’t me.
Accepting yourself is a continuous journey, a life journey. I wanted to live for you, but I cant, the standards are too high. I don’t want the life that I currently have, I’m in no rush to get to the new one either. I’m just happy with realise that this is me;
the little things
So much id like to say to you. The imagination is a fantasy of game, an explosive dream. Not many you can instantly connect with, or is that my over imaginative mind. Every girls dream. The up lifter, even though I’m pretty sure you’ve had your own difficulties. I like you for who you are. It was nice to hear from you. You were good for the soul, as well as my over reactive mind. I’m glad I had the chance to know you, even if it was only for a little while. Ill always remember you, you kept me dreaming. I wish id had the chance to hug you. One day I might even write about you…
As I sit here all I can think about is my world is so small but I’ve seen so much in such a little time. But does seeing things actually qualify as experiencing things? Have I really lived or have I just repeatedly watched it from the side lines, which I keep repeatedly doing. I know I need something, something that probably qualifies as help, but sometimes just having the openness of talking is all someone needs, even if it every now and then. But I have a little difficulty with that, and its internally frustrating. I can quite easily live my life solo but I also crave the comfort of another human, but for that to simply work you have to be able to communicate. Every word that you say people reply with a quick answer, they don’t always hear what you are trying to say. Sometimes in cases you have to be careful for what you say in case others take it the wrong way. Everything has to be watched or said correctly all in the case that someone can simply read or hear it wrongly. Always on edge. Id love to talk, even if its pure nothingness but no one is truly trustworthy anymore, and that’s the sad thing. It burns in my lungs, it makes my voice box close, tears brim on the eyelids, yet the words don’t tumble. I could simply write it, but what’s the point. Its just endless words of internal suffering and no one bothers to comment or ask the simple annoying question ‘are you okay’ Obviously I’m not. It hurts when people say that ‘you’re emotionless’ ‘don’t like seeing you like this’ urm… dude I’m not freaking emotionless I control my emotions, and its to an extend that its killing my soul. I hate being seen as an uncaring human, I hate the fact that people simply look at me and see that there’s something wrong. Yeah I’m breaking on the inside but I’m normal on the outside. I’m not asking for someone or everyone to change my life or direct it as such. Im just asking for someone to actually be hundred percent loyal and trustworthy, but I get it. Not many people like that exist. Ive put myself in a bubble, all my own doing. Im able to do so much but I always stop myself, fear is the main one. So many fears. Then I think and I ask myself whats the point in doing it all? Whats truly the point? There’s simply nothing wrong with me, I’m just a selfish creature who wishes for some comfort but denies myself of that pleasure .
My heart sings, continuously sings. Is it in sadness or desperation for something that everyone seeks, acceptance and love? My heart hums with wants yet the brain deprives it of the things that it mostly wants to feel. A connection a belong, instead of this sadness of feeling excluded and so alone. We all walk this world alone, we are all strangers trying to fit in, trying to be connected to others and feel as if we belong to someone or something, yet some never feel the belong nor the connection. They feel the despair of disconnection, of clouded people yet not within the softness of the cloud. The heart sadness with the acknowledgement that they don’t belong that they don’t fit. The despair is such a big thing. The heart weeps
why do you cry for? why do you get yourself in such a state? constantly question your quality of life, the things that you have, always wishing for something other.
why do you cry for?
is it because you are exhausted of being you? is it because you are tired of always saying the same things constantly, over and over again like a broken record. Is it because you like crying and for some reason think that by crying youll make yourself better, as you seem to always have the answers… that’s why you cry, right?
the tears just drip, hover over your eyelids ready to drop and steam down your pale saddened face.
Why do you cry, always in silence, always on your own… why do you cry for no one to see, for no one to help. why do you cry? whats got you weeping?
whats got your heart tearing apart? Is it because you actually want something…. what could that possibly be?