Email

I feel like I live in a world of loneliness yet I’m continuously surrounded by people, yet I choose not to speak yet I’m burning to talk, but I’m never sure what to say or what I’m going to say. I’m fed up of feeling unmotivated and purely sad. I know the only way to change things is to get up and push yourself through the slog of feelings, but I just don’t have any enthusiasm for that.

I’m lost in the fact that I don’t see where my life is going or heading. I have no direction in life, I have no goals and I cant think of anything that actually interests me or makes me want to achieve.

I feel separated from everyone, like its a task to talk to anyone, its always me making the effort and in return the conversations just end.

It makes me want to leave, but I have no sense of destination, just a picture of a blank empty page.

I expect a lot from myself and I feel guilty when I do hardly anything. I’m fed up of being me, is it possible to hate who you are ?

I’m continuously sad, so sad that it makes me ashamed of what I’ve become. My life isn’t bad, yet I make it out to be destroyable. I have so much yet I have no love for it. I just feel like weeping endlessly and continuously.

I have the ability to live, to see, to be something, yet I cage myself, always finding an excuse to not to the things that I once desired.

Its almost like I’ve locked myself in a hole and I’m burning to get out, but I’m expecting something/someone to pull me out and show me the way. I know that happiness lays within yourself, and its only you who makes life choices. I feel the way that I do, I’m in this pit because of my choices. I don’t know where I’m going

I have nothing to show for my life, apart from the endless moaning. I have no success and nothing to make others proud of.

Who am I, what am I doing

Priorities

Lets talk, words are affiant enough, at least its some sort of communication. what am I talking about. I have such a hard time talking to people yet its the one thing that I yearn for, yet I cant seem to do it with ready available people, due to me not seeing their honesty. its always the fake people that are ready to hear you out, that’s because its juicy gossip. I don’t want to be juicy gossip. I want someone to hear me out, even if its a load of shit, even if it doesn’t make sense. I so badly want someone to hear me out. I don’t want it to be with someone who just looks at you blankly as though they don’t care. the deep connection. the understanding look. a good listener, which you cant seem to get these days. no one gives a hoot anymore. its why I’m so angry, supressing emotions are killing me. I don’t want to hold them in anymore, but its always been my way. ive done it for ten years. I want to let someone in but I cant, then I reason with myself no one cares anyway, because if they did theyd contact you first or change their priorities, but no one ever does. I know I’m no fun. id like to be, but id like to be completely different but I’m not and I don’t think that it will ever be. I need an explosive shake up, but that’s not going to happen. sorry love but youre on your own.

Oh Hi

Trying to inject myself with some motivational happiness is a tough one today, I don’t even think a slap would qualify. The fact that I think I’m on a turn for a emotional breakdown isn’t exactly great. No one wants to see that, but the timing is never justified. If it happens its going to happen.

I have no wave for life today, or yesterday, so I’m guessing tomorrow is going to be extra hard, and the thoughts of next week isn’t exactly the most pleasant feelings. I ask myself constantly why do i do things/ or decide to do things. I’ve put myself down to do a bootcamp, which is all outdoors somewhere down on the coast. All I’ve got is, why Abby? Seriously? It’s not like I’m fat. I can see my reason to doing it without much thoughts I need to get motivated again, I need to move, to get a push, to feel some pain. But in the current state I’m feeling, I don’t even have energy to be there, let alone muster some forced enthusiasm. It’s going to be cold, constant physical activity. It probably won’t be that bad, but well I don’t really need it, but I need something.

As you can tell from my writing, I’m lost, once again. I feel like I’m repeating myself. This is why I hate myself. So contradictory to everything

I want to be like, i don’t really, “Hey babe, how’s it going” Energy to jump up and down, to have a natural smile upon my face, to converse with people on interesting topics.

But nah

 

Bone weary 

Bone weary sad

Remember that blog, months back, about feeling bone weary sad. The feelings back, or did it never leave? Contemplating life once again. Why do we do the things that we do? It’s all out of choice,

I feel like I’m fighting this imaginable battle, yet I don’t even know what the battles about or whether I want to win or not.

I’d like to leave, but go where? I’d like to disappear, in to pure empty bliss, no longer exist

Just leave, book a flight get dropped off outside a massive woodland area, stay there until the food supply runs out and then nothing

Ahhh I want to scream, I feel so trapped, so alone, yet I don’t have to be this way

I’m tired of crying but that’s all I want to do, apart from disappearing