The power of control can be so controllable,
The power of being can be so being
The anger, the fume of unknown exhaust rumbles too close to the surface. I have no control, I’m snapping without realising.
What are we doing, why are we doing it?
Everything is such a façade, a preface.
All I know is what I don’t want, what I don’t want to feel.;
the anger (I feel like this because I feel as if I have no control, I’m not taking life by the hands because I simply don’t want too, yet I do, I’m just too scared to go with it. I’m angry because I don’t take the time or the chances that have been presented to me because of the fear that runs through my veins. I’m constantly afraid, afraid of the rejection, the miscommunication. Fear has such a big play in my life and I simply no longer want it within me. I no longer want to be controlled by fear, yet it does so highly, that’s one of the reasons why I’m so angry)
the feel of wasted time (The anger makes me feel caged, time flys, yet I feel like I achieve nothing because I’m too caged in the anger, too caged by the fear that catches my thoughts. the wasted thoughts play on my emotions, stopping myself from going after what I want)
to be constantly alone (The fear of rejection, the fear of abandonment and isolation make me reluctant and social with people. I don’t want people to know me for the fear that they wont like me. I don’t want to be judged, yet everyone is judged daily, some without even knowing. I don’t like being on my own, yet I fear the connection of getting to know others. I get nervous when talking with others. Its almost like I don’t know how to convers with people without moaning about something so insignificant in my life.)
to ground myself to one place, to one time (Id like to just leave and not care for others, just travel stopping at some places and helping out for the exchange of hunger and board, to see endless mountains, green trees, to walk endlessly yet with the air of nature coursing through my lungs. Id like to just drift endlessly around the world without the worries of daily life and the basis needs to survive, but they are the things that stop me from doing the things that I endlessly dream about. The worries of daily life, the basis need of money for survival)
to be surrounded by pure negativity (No one likes a dark whole of death eating destruction. No one likes to hear the moans of life, the wrong doings that they feel are given to them. No one wants to be around someone who feels like they suck the life out of you, like a decaying drug. all Id like to do is escape the negativity. If it was so simple Id simply blow it away, as if it was some dirty dust, but its not that simple. Its in the people around me on a daily bases, but its also within myself. It makes me wonder if my brain is a black mess, just like the way I constantly feel.)