Word

As thousands of you gather in celebration, to celebrate the completion of yet another year, or for many to say goodbye to a year they felt wasnt exactly good to them. It’s as if they say goodbye to a year, when in fact you only say good bye to another day. I know it can be a little puzzling but tomorrow is just going to be another day, just like all your previous days in the past year. You just happen to be entering a new time hop. Nothing changes. You still get light, you still get presented with new choices, new opportunities. The only thing different is the fact that you present your mind with new chances, as you see tomorrow with a new ending number, to start over again, but that’s what every day represents. Everyday is a new day, it may be the same to some but that will only be because you havent chosen to do anything different for yourself. We sometimes look at change as having to be a big structural thing, when in fact in can be a minor thing, something as small as making your bed in the morning. Just little things can lead to a big change by the end of the day or the end of the days that you choose to count(year). Everything happens in time or overtime. Nothing happens instantly. Everything’s a process, it’s what you choose to do. So tomorrow is a new day, at the end of that day you can celebrate your small step of change, your simple achievements. Everyday should be celebrated for your small achievements.

we live to be who we want to be as individuals,

 

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As my day comes to an end, I think of the travel times, the goodbyes, the job changes, the things i learnt about myself and about who i am in this very moment. There is so much more out there for me. My problems of living in fear still cloud my judgements, still play a major role within my live and they probably will for a little while longer. My emotions are higher than ever before, I’m more concerned about proving that I can live to others, than appreciating who i am for myself. I use to be happy to be at home on my own, not having to do much but only discovering the things that i wanted to discover for my own discovery, but of late i no longer enjoy the companies that i use to have, i no longer enjoy simply doing nothing as i feel like I’m currently being criticised for the life that I live and lead, for the choices that I make. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to continuously be on my own, I don’t want to always act or come across as a reluctant child who is uncomfortable with herself. But that’s just the ways things are at the moment. I wish to be comfortable with who I am, to do the things i dream off without having to constantly be on edge or worried what others think about me. If I chose not to think i would be comfortable, I know i can be. I keep seeing a vision, whether its due to be seeing so many similar images or not, I keep seeing in my mind eyes, backpack on my shoulders no phone no connection, just simply seeing the earth for what is presented in front of me. Endless green earth, mountains, blue sky. Wherever this image maybe, its one i constantly dream. Heres to another day, whats going to be different?

What are you saying n

We live in a world that is so imagined, to be a certain way, to be lived by the imagined and how they see the world should be.We surround ourselves by people who tell us of a way to live, of there dreams which soon become our own dreams. We surround ourselves with media, flicking through websites or on social media sites. Swirling our brains, filling them with images and sayings that so many things is right or the way to live. 

Does anyone actually stop and breathe, actually breath. Knowing who they really are, not the facade they live, or the face they put on. But the actual person they will always be. Does anybody breathe? Or is that just a thing of the past? So many angry forces, me for one, so many judgy people, so many rude souls, yet who’s nice to you? 

Don’t you get tired of living in the false hood that you create for yourself?

You feel as if you’re getting left behind, when in fact you aren’t, people are just getting tired of your excuses. 

You shouldn’t have come back even though it was the right thing to do. 

You’ll always be a loner, it’s better to be out there alone than surrounded with people who have no time for you or who are tired of you

You shouldn’t have left and stayed hidden

Power

The power of control can be so controllable,

The power of being can be so being

The anger, the fume of unknown exhaust rumbles too close to the surface. I have no control, I’m snapping without realising.

What are we doing, why are we doing it?

Everything is such a façade, a preface.

All I know is what I don’t want, what I don’t want to feel.;

the anger (I feel like this because I feel as if I have no control, I’m not taking life by the hands because I simply don’t want too, yet I do, I’m just too scared to go with it. I’m angry because I don’t take the time or the chances that have been presented to me because of the fear that runs through my veins. I’m constantly afraid, afraid of the rejection, the miscommunication. Fear has such a big play in my life and I simply no longer want it within me. I no longer want to be controlled by fear, yet it does so highly, that’s one of the reasons why I’m so angry)

the feel of wasted time (The anger makes me feel caged, time flys, yet I feel like I achieve nothing because I’m too caged in the anger, too caged by the fear that catches my thoughts. the wasted thoughts play on my emotions, stopping myself from going after what I want)

to be constantly alone (The fear of rejection, the fear of abandonment and isolation make me reluctant and social with people. I don’t want people to know me for the fear that they wont like me. I don’t want to be judged, yet everyone is judged daily, some without even knowing. I don’t like being on my own, yet I fear the connection of getting to know others. I get nervous when talking with others. Its almost like I don’t know how to convers with people without moaning about something so insignificant in my life.)

to ground myself to one place, to one time (Id like to just leave and not care for others, just travel stopping at some places and helping out for the exchange of hunger and board, to see endless mountains, green trees, to walk endlessly yet with the air of nature coursing through my lungs. Id like to just drift endlessly around the world without the worries of daily life and the basis needs to survive, but they are the things that stop me from doing the things that I endlessly dream about. The worries of daily life, the basis need of money for survival)

to be surrounded by pure negativity (No one likes a dark whole of death eating destruction. No one likes to hear the moans of life, the wrong doings that they feel are given to them. No one wants to be around someone who feels like they suck the life out of you, like a decaying drug. all Id like to do is escape the negativity. If it was so simple Id simply blow it away, as if it was some dirty dust, but its not that simple. Its in the people around me on a daily bases, but its also within myself. It makes me wonder if my brain is a black mess, just like the way I constantly feel.)

 

Its that time to be thankful

I’m thankful for many things and for many people.

This year has been the most eye opening, exploring, sightseeing year. Not many people can say they’ve been to so many places in such a short time, nor met or got to know such amazing people and their personalities.

This day is for love, happiness and more importantly to be around those people you love. Sharing some good food with a bunch of laughs.

Someone reminded me the other day that surprisingly enough I use to be the one who would laugh, effectively making everyone else laugh and smile.

Always remember the good, even if you have to look back into the past and think about the times had.

I love my family more than anything for the simple fact that they accept me for me in all my prettiness and difficulties.

We all dream, all wish for more but for this hour in the least. I couldn’t be more thankful for all the people who have touched my heart in many ways this year.

I do love, Ill continue to love

Thank you for being you.

Hi

Hey,

Just a question, would you go travelling on your own? Like a holiday type, visit one place, stay in a hotel on your own and motivate yourself to explore on your own?

So would you go on your own?

I have no problem with the flying on my own,

Don’t really have much of a problem with it at all, its just ive lost so much confidence I don’t even know where to stand. How do I stand?

What am I doing?

Knock Knock Knock on your door

Hey you, Hows it going? Life treating you well? Thats a funny question though, don’t you think. ‘Life treating you well’ That implies that life leads you, when in fact you lead the life that you decide to live. So my dearest honey, why did you come back? Have you got over that what you imagined would happen, isn’t going to happen, yet, or is that going to take another three months of sour feelings?

Knock Knock, whos there? You, and only you. You hold the key to life. You dish out advice and always there to hold someone elses hand. Why don’t you take hold of your own hand and just flee into the world that swirls inside your mind and actually live a little. There always seems to be cages with you. Youve always got something locked away, or hidden. Dont you get tired of being a negative twiddle. I mean, im not trying to be mean. At the end of the day im the only one who actually gets it, Im the one who lives with you constantly and your always tying me down. I ask daily, as you might know, what are you stopping for? Nothing comes to you, No ones going to live for you. I do know thats what you wish for, someone to come along and live it with you, to push you into life and feeling and breath. But my dear honey its not going to happen. Im not softening the blow anymore. You just have to simply do it, whether you want to or not. I know its mainly a no, but if you always say no and achieve nothing with the time that you are presented you aren’t going to be anything. Yes i know youve achieve and done so much this year, but the feelings are the same. All because you wont embrace. You feel as if this year wasn’t an achievement, but let me tell you something. If you hadn’t said yes to the travels you wouldn’t be anywhere, you wouldn’t have seen the amazing Whitsundays, or the clear lake of lake some or other on frazier island. You wouldn’t have met two people who made and tried to make you happy. You wouldn’t have bonded with someone. You wouldn’t have fed a kangaroo or went on an elephant. You wouldn’t have climbed the tallest building in dubai. The world is such a big place and you yes you don’t have a big place in the world, but life is your world. You are what you want to be. You repeatly say you know longer want to be the misery, the anger that shimmers with no control, you want to be able to breathe and enjoy, but its you holding onto that key of destruction.

My dear, your reluctant to grow is so easy to see. Your reluctant to grow up is far clearer than ever before. Its accepting that. No one wants to grow up, you certainly cant be peter pan no longer, not that you ever where. You just have too, its better to accept that than go through it all with dragging feet like a reluctant child.

I know you hate me with a passion of late. I know you don’t want to be told any of this or hear any of this. All you want to do is cuddle in a ball in the warmth of your bed. But your bed brings you nothing.

I love you

 

Life’s got me like 

As previously throughout my blogs I’ve always come across as a conflicting person which in all fairness is me. I’m a very conflicting person, I have so many conflicting emotions that I get tired of the lashes ofwhiplashing. I have noticed something about life, it goes quickly, not the years or anything, just the hours in the day. 

Life got me like– it’s been a while, feels like more than three months but it’s only been that. I’m not going to lie, I’m tired of lieing. Writing is my thing, it’s my outlet. Some people have others to confine in, others have members, some have neither they have there own way. This is mine. 

Life’s got me reminiscing. I’ve travelled a far, I’ve got myself places. 

Got to admit life’s a struggle at the moment in time but that’s okay, we all have to have our struggles