Fustration


I’m completely and utterly surrounded and covered in my pure heat of inner frustration. I’m like an invisible fright train, steam poring out at all sides, filling the clouds with hot heat. I’m not feeling randy, if that’s what you are wondering. It’s inner, kick yourself in the ass hate. The frustration continues to build, that I’ve reached to the back space of punching walls, with more heat this time , that cracks are being left in its place. Who do you have to blame for your inner frustration? The one and only, self…. 

it’s also come to a build that well it’s kinda like an empty simmer of nothing. Does that make sense or is that being stupid?

The loudness of the voice within seems to be intensified when I’m feeling a little frustrated. The turmoil of thoughts are on a rollercoaster. Sometimes it’s so fast with voices that I wonder if my head might just pop. You never know, it probably has and I just haven’t realised 

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Time

Time keeps ticking, it passes. Every time you look at that clock, whether it’s second or minute, it’s completely different from the last time you looked. You feel different, you look different, you see a different moment, you experience a different moment, a different time. Some days may seem and feel the same, but they are different even if it’s by a fraction of a moment or a feeling. How do you feel? Do you feel slightly lighter? Slightly darker? How do you truly feel? You may feel like you do the same thing every day, but it’s you as an individual, how you feel at the end of every day….. right? 

Gone

when youve lost it, you’ve lost it

I’m feeling meh and getting or trying to fight and keep going, to try and get back up seems to be double trouble. My steam is no longer steaming, its not even a smokey mist. Its flat as an uncooked pancake.

Its only taken 14 days to cry a river, but even that takes effort. I just feel extremely dead. The empty vessel has arrived. Here we are once again. Did I even leave? Did I even achieve? Did I really mingle and learn things?

No motivation moves me, Whats the point in breathing when you have not single soul of interest in life.

I think this little time of, whatever is was, has completely gone.

The only time I feel content and some sort of peace is, when the zzzs come too. The lull of sleep, the empty abscess of nothing. No dreams, no thoughts. Just nothing, but then theres that gulp of air that brings you back to the world of life

I think its safe to say, I feel and look like a miserable shit

Do not want to do this anymore

Critic

You are your own critic You know that internal voice the one that’s constantly badgering at you. The ones that’s always like 

‘ why did you say that, why did you do that’ why are you weird etc. Yeah that voice, the one that’s a constant downer making you feel like a miserable shit and have no motivation to do anything now it’s gone to an extra step of I’m giving up. I guess there’s only so much negative inner voice that you can take before you give up ando back to old ways. I fight it, but some days are more difficult. The only person who’s going to feel different if you continue to fight is yourself. Everyone deserves a good life. But why does your inner self have to make things, things that are so basic so challenging, why is the question 

Here me out

 

I pack my backs, shoving clothes into a rucksack once again. The fight to take everything, yet you don’t need anything just a credit card, passport, endless supply of money, and your soul self. So I pack my back again, Whilst packing them I think about all the times when I was in shitty accommodation before, I think about the exclusion of not knowing what people are talking about as they aren’t speaking in English, I think about all the previous times of wondering the endless citys all on my own, trying to find something, yet ending up with nothing. I know why I left the last time, its the same reason why I want to go again. But going somewhere, the places I have in mind is nowhere. I have nowhere in mind. I don’t want to walk through city after city. I don’t want to go anywhere. This is where it get confusing. I want to leave, but leaving would mean an escape. Its easily to do, but I wasn’t happy being on my own in a different city. When I leave, I want it to be because Ill never come back and no one will ever hear from me again.

Why did I come back?

Its a question I ask myself, and No I don’t regret coming back, because at the time, my hundred percent soul and body wanted to be home. Once your minds made up, its made up. I came back because, a fool to myself, hoped things would be different, but its not and it never will be. I still wish for things that I should be grateful for. Ive only been back five days and I feel more angry than I ever thought possible, but the one pure emotion I was reading being a thousand miles away was despair.

Why do we do the things that we do? If you don’t do anything youll never learn, youll never progress. You don’t have to be happy about it. You can live your life in pure bliss of blindness, You can pretend.

At the end of the day, the joke is on me

The finding 

Work

Everyone has a way in life

we spend maturity of our lifes working to pay to survive. Everyone needs an income to survive, right? I guess unless you are born into money but then wheres the fun in that, when you cant stand on your own two feet.

So the ways of life, are searching for a job, a career.

Like I said we spend most of our lives breathing and eating for this one career. Some do have the possibilities to have more than one career, whether its out of choosing or choice, guess we’ll  never know

So many jobs our there, yet so many people are such picky people

Surely if you have the willingness the eargerness to get into the working frame, why not give them a chance. But then again I can understand why some people search only for the experienced. At the end of the day they have a businesss to run and they probably cant afford or have the patience to give another starting point for some new and fresh of the bacon of unemployed.

So the hunt starts, the exhausting hunt of push the positivity. No ones going to employ a sour face, so come on, put a shining smile on your face, suck in life, and shine with confidence, even if you are sweating buckets, and your minds like why.

You simply say, Honey, this is what you need, what you want. The job may become a pain in the ass, you may end up searching for a new career when you do start having one, always looking for alternatives. But let me tell you something. Working life gives you endless opportunities . Firstly, lets face it you cant do much in life without a career. You cant go travelling for a long time without some notes in your pockets. You cant drive a car, which gives you chances to see people and enjoy sights. You need money to fuel your car, as well as yourself. Money is life. The only way you can make the dosh is by having a career. Unless you know how to design the money that is,

So a career is the way forward. It represents so much, from stability to learning chances. You learn every day. You meet or speak to people every day. You need work, we all need it. Getting it, is a tough one. Being in the situation of employment makes me appreciate the time when I was employed. It gave me chances, it gave me communications, it gave me a reason to get up in the morning, it gave me motiavtion. As well as the dosh in the pocket.