Things

So many things Id like to talk about, So many things I liked to write about. My brains on over drive, more thinking than its ever done all day. Its seems to be on a slog day, and now with the day pretty much past, its come out to play. You could call it gear changing, finally functioning when its about to shut down for a few hours, I call it annoyance, because well I just don’t sleep properly but then again who really needs sleep. I’m pretty much away with the fairies most of my time, even when I’m living the grand live of unemployment, in between about to travels. I don’t think or spend my time wisely, instead I’m covering my time with un-necessities, or cramping in more sleep. I’m basically doing everything in my will power not to think about the coming months. To pass my hours of day, I went for a run. Its great when you’ve got music blasting in your ears and the sense of the world passing your vision, but today was just hard. who am I kidding, its been hard all week. My motivation of getting up, of simple functions, is dwelling to a little pea. Its only been four days! Four days since I said goodbye to my job. Four days! I wasn’t that motivated when I did have a career, but at least it gave me something, it got me going for a day or two. Now I just over eat, just because what else is there to do. Then with this time I’m given, Loving the sun with. In the time you notice things. Like the reliability of ‘friends’ I just really just need to get over the fact that I pretty much don’t have friends. A friend, is someone you keep in contact with probs once a week or more frequently, depending on the closeness of life. Someone you trust and share everything with, in some stages. I know people. I care about some people, But I never chill with people. I don’t even have anyone I could text about nothing or other. Someone I could just be myself with. Guess that’s my fault for well… being me!?! Theres only guys messaging me, seeing if I want to stay for the night. Who does that!?! I haven’t even seen the guy in years, and just randomly your asking if I want to stay for the night. Hello, does it look like I work the street corners. I mean its alright to chill and watch a film, but these days apparently that’s a green card for ‘I’m getting laid’. Why cant things just mean what they mean, why do they have to have another underlining meaning? Whats wrong with just watching a freaking film with someone. Or going out, walking or just being in someone elses area of space. It always seems to mean something. Then with years of nothing but sex interest. I find it extremely weird when a guy, randomly messages me on Instagram starts talking to me. Yeah everyones entitled to talk and all. To me, it comes across as flirty, probs because I don’t have any friends, therefore I always see people wanting something in someway, when someone does start talking to me. He comes into my work, when I was working, he asks me to meet him, which I don’t. I’m really not interested, but I’m curious, why are you talking to me? So I do what every other girl does. Search Him. I do. Guess what I find. Hes engaged, and has a daughter. So, why might I ask are you talking to me. So I ask. He says in a friend way. I just think its really strange. Why bother with someone, especially when you know I’m leaving in less than two weeks, asking to meet me. I don’t get it. Is that really trying to be friendly? Or what? Ah who cares, do I really care. Or do I think I do, because my world is lonely. So I’m leaving. It would seem I’m leaving home, my safety net for a world of unknown. I confessed today. And no It wasn’t to a vicar, it was to my father, ironic I know! I confessed ‘I’m scared, I don’t want to grow up’ Guess we all don’t want to grow up in some ways, leaving the easiness of life for the parents. But we all have to adventure out of our zones at some point, otherwise we never grow. I’m defiantly going to learn a few things, most things I probably don’t want to learn, but life is full of mistakes. You have to be knocked to get back up again. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if you could just leave and fly, not leave and drop. Its going to be hard. Extremely hard, So I ask my wonderful self. Why do it then? Simple answer, I don’t want to be me, be this feeling of nothing. I have a great life, there is nothing wrong with my life, but surely there has to be more to this. I need to expand my world of mind. I think about the same things way to often, I need to broaden my horizons. The only way to do that Is to life a little. Living is hard and scary, but I never thought life was suppose to be easy. Ive had an easy life so far, I guess I haven’t lived. Some of us have it in our imaginative mind, that when we leave, go off somewhere, that we are going to change completely. I guess I’m one of those imaginative minds. Id love to change my whole perspective on life, Id like to be a better person to what I already am. Id like to become a different person. But I don’t think we ever truly change who we are. At the end of time, we are this way for a reason, right? I mean we all want to be different, we all want change within ourselves. We are always looking for change. We are never satisfied, but the unsatisfied minds, are always the unhappy ones. I got told ‘learn to love yourself’ that’s what I’m going to try and do. I’m going to try and find who I am, and once found, share that person with like minded people. I don’t want to be a misery, and I certainly don’t want the same me, but at the end of the day, I will always be me. Ill eventually come to accept myself, adapt in some ways, but will the people of home, see the changes or will they never accept me for who I am?

So what now?

I thank A for trying, I thank M, and will always be thankful for changes to come

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