As you look in the mirror, seeing your wonderful selfs reflection, all I can think ‘You bloody beauty, how your eyes are just the gem of my sweet heart’ when I’m secretly crying on the inside for god know what reason! But I do stare at my refection and think, in the odd times that are rare, ‘I’m not as chubby as I was this time last year. I can certainly run a few, even though today has been lacking. I’m about to go on an unknown journey, which basically makes me want to rock my body to nothing of in between.’ Id like to day I’m happy, but the destiny of life is still deciding. I just want to be gone now though. And I’m not sure in what sense I mean. My chapter in this current life is coming to a close, hopefully for better and brighter but you can never tell. Id like to say Ive learnt a few things in the past year, doing the simple same of sanes world. But I’m not sure if Ive learnt anything from them. Ive made a few mistakes, and honest to god, I cant even believe I’m saying this. I wouldn’t change them. I hate that they happened, but I guess I wouldn’t be me, if they hadn’t happened. Ive learnt who My true best friend is, which Is my wonderful self. I love and hate you at the same time, whoever thought that could be possible. I mean you bring me to the point of tears everyday and you certainly make me want to scream with pure frustration on a daily basis, I guess you could call us lovers but that’s a little weird. Ive learnt that nothing changes through family, I love them dearly but I guess they always have a mines eye for who they actually see them, and I guess that’s the same for me. God I write like I’m dying or something. In some ways it feels like that, that I’m waiting for the end, for the next flight, but what flight is the question. Ive met wonderful, inspirational people through my work life and It will be sad to say goodbye, but as I say above hopefully to better and bright. God I want too….D. I’m gonna miss them, I guess you could call them friends, but even saying this, I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, Ive just had enough. I don’t think Ive had enough of them persay Ive just had too much of this, whatever it was. I always get asked what do I want? What do I want? What do I truly seek out of life that makes me want to breathe? Guess I haven’t found the answer just yet, but I do have an idea.
Ive just finished reading a novel, yes I know I finally found one! One that I even finished to the end. Completely different book to what I would have gone for, but I must admit the characters name was what did it for me. Shes called Abigail, oh the magical name of my own. Got to love a good novel, especially when you get attached the characters. Oh Robert how you do indeed need to freaking move to my life! Not that I need a man or anything, but if anyone was that good, why wouldn’t you have someone so witty in your life.
The one thing I have missed this year, is true friendship. Friendship where you are at ease with one another. You can be silly and stupid and nothing in between. Someone to truly open upto about anything and everything. I think I might Find someone like that soon though. Maybe an open wave a thousand miles away might just be the one. I do seriously write as I’m dying, ah god.
In that case I might as well get all and out of my wonderful small chest.
Why is the world just a contradict of media and emotions. The ways of should and should bes? Everyone is so obsessed with stupid media, taking photos, with captions ‘ Oh you should look this way, Oh I just ate a freaking salad and It filled my ever so flat stupid stomach, that I cant even function right’ God they are so annoying, why do I even have a phone.! I don’t even want to have a phone, I just have it for simple means that parents can stay in touch, I just don’t want it anymore. The only thing technology has been good for, is for me to express and share my words, making me feel not so alone. But god, I feel like its killing people.
Id like to be able to love people freely without having to worry about my silly emotion responses. I want to tell people that I love them and that I think you are stupid. I don’t want to hold my tongue anymore. I don’t want to shut it off, just because I know you wont like what I have to say.
I miss my dog. Even though I was the one to end it. I miss his furry warmth and open wide eyes. I just miss his presence.
I’m not keen that I’m going in the unknown and have no intellectually sources in my mind. But I want to be somebody. I simply don’t want to be anymore. I think of everything I have done and what I have done. I think of all the chats and stupid mistakes Ive made, I think of every feeling that ive had and every conversations that got me no where. I wouldn’t change any of it. I simply wish I could have been more open and improving. You cant change the past and you certainly don’t get answers to the past, because I’m still waiting for some. I just wish I wasn’t me.