I’ve been asked to write about my problems. The firsts of problems that started my negative behaviour. Or as blondie ‘Choking emotion, turning me from a wave to a pure flatness.’ Aka Dead.
I’m kinda having trouble to push myself into thinking about my problems, the starters. Theres only so much postponing you can do, before you run out of time. But its not like I can call a friend or a family member ask for their help, because they simply wont, or the simple fact there isn’t anyone.
Yeah I got myself into this mess, way of thinking. So I’m the only one who can get myself out. I just don’t know where to start.
I tried vocally talking about it, which is a bloody joke. As all we end up doing is staring into one anothers eyes. If it was under different circumstances, you might of thought we were two lovers on a date, cant get enough of eye staring but we weren’t. I was there to talk about my problems, my feelings, express the world of voices in my head. I did neither of any. I just simply sat there. I get it. I’m suppose to let it out, but I just cant. Yeah yeah ‘No such thing as cant.’
I’m not being funny but I don’t want to be a blubbering mess, when I shouldn’t be. Ive always thought showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness, and in some sense it is. A lot of people do take advantage of other peoples weaknesses, to gain something for themselves. And you can’t say that isn’t true. Ive seen it.
Anyway, straying away here.
So I’m suppose to write a list of firsts problems. For example, struggles at school, struggles at maintaining friendships. I was very reluctant to write these things down, as they are no longer a concern to me, nore are they true. But they were things lady thought are my triggers. Yes I wasn’t great at school, but school was five years ago. I don’t really remember it much. Its in the past, aren’t we suppose to move on from the past? I’m sure school was hard for everybody.
Maintaining friendships, this one is most likely true and still is. We can all see I don’t have human friends, and I certainly don’t go out socialising. At school the girls were pretty pathetic, staying in the toilets to doll self up. Chilling with guys, cause everyone loves me. Saying silly shit, we are all so stupid. People could be mean, and they still can be. Many people found me annoying, probably, who knows. I couldn’t be arsed to be around people who wanted to do stupid things. I couldn’t be arsed to be around people I felt I had to converse with, when I didnt feel like it. So I did my own thing. Yeah I was on my own a lot, stayed by myself near the final years. But do tell me, what is possibly wrong with that? I spent many times in the library. I brought up my own grades. Shouldn’t it be an achievement, not a dweller? Occasionally I skipped classes and went home, but what do you do when you felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be around people. I could concentrate, feel safe, and comfortable on my own. I did school, and I did it better than anyone thought I could. So yeah, I struggles but I succeeded, and I did it on my own.
So what do I put as my first starter list?
I can think of things that can be added on, but I just cant think what the first kick was. -Divorce -Loss -Death -Goodbye -Shaken -Negative ear -Feeling of difference -Lack of faith -Always concerned -Never pushed.
These are after kicks, some of them, I could explain them, but they aren’t the kick
I need to find my kick
I need help, but no one can give me any
What was my freaking kick?