Its really a shame that the voices in my head cant be recorded. Missing out of great grand gossip of hell
Its also really hard to write the randomness and messed up stuff that I’m feeling. In a way its better to speak, actually use the mouth to voice what I’m thinking and sort of feeling. It would be so much easier to word and express. But I always end up using this method, of writing, even though sometimes it never comes across to how or what I’m trying to say. Guess half the time I don’t really know what I’m trying to say, because well I just haven’t experienced whatever it happens to be.
Such a conflict that it consumes me to a state of, WHAT! like really bad conflict. One moment I’m feeling and thinking this great thing, and then another time id start to have this idea of feeling empty. Then it would change once again to something completely different.
I say I always end up feeling different, but I’m not even sure I actually feel a thing. If that makes any sense. In my mind, I know with different words and different sensations what a person would actually feel in those moments and times, but I don’t think I actually feel those things. You just end up thinking that’s whats your suppose to feel, that you end up thinking the same things to your self. (Yes, very confusing!)
On a daily basis I feel completely different from day to day. Like the day before, I felt empty, but I still functioned, then the next for a few blips through out the day I was good, but at times I didn’t really feel like I’m with it. As if your in a dream, but your not really awake, like that but I am awake, it just doesn’t feel like it. Then one day I could be feeling like a complete ball anger of fury, that the simple things, like getting a hair cut, made me cry in frustration, to being annoyed at every little thing. I seem to be different everyday and its getting to me. I’m in a constant battle with myself, complete whiplash of emotions, that its actually make the real heart twinge.
I just feel empty, but its not really an emotion.
My minds a conflicting background. Thinking of the passed, of what could have been and whats going to happen. Even though its not happened. Always judging myself that want I do isn’t right or not good enough. I’m just sick of always end up making myself feel guilty with my life. I just cant seem to be happy with who I am. or with what I have done.
I honestly just don’t see the point in this whole circus of life.
One moment I want to do something, but mainly the times I just don’t want to do anything
I get tired of always feeling like the first person who contacts others, but then I can never be arsed to put the effort into meeting someone, (hardly the case) when someone asked me first.
Its time where Id like a friend, someone to just shake you up a little, but its also time when I want to end this insufferable silence.