Twentyone

Twenty-one days to go, twenty-one days to go till I’m on my way into the unknown that has no eye seeing search. Bounce up and down with wonder joy, yet the unknown, is like stepping into the dark cave. A cave that could be an end, to well, the unknown. Who will I be, what will I be. Still me, seeing new things, experience different culture, to change is all down to how willing am I to embracing the new that becomes around me. Sometimes I wish the counting days were an ending to a bigger darker thing. I guess that’s fear talking. No way to talk about my fear my insecurities. Keeping them in doubles my doubts. I need this, I want this, I think. Appreciate the good cheers, but someone to agree or simple hear my voicing doubts may do wonders on my doubting soul and mind. id like to be many things, but sometimes I ask myself am I wanting to be different for myself or for the people that stare at me with doggy eyes. I miss a conversation a meaningful one, not much you can do now, just see whats out there youll never be alone. Everything will be fine, believe in you, because you are everything to you. Continue to comfort food for now, fill it wth food to avoid the emptiness. Hopefully time and changes, locations will do a differ, or not. Don’t worry, youll always have me, your misery. Hopefully and ending will be in sight to this heavy bleakness for light to enter with the unknown. Glazy eyes for now. Am I really here, or is the chapters of pages currently stuck on repeat. Glazy eyes, mixed feelings of the same bone weariness. Am I really packing or am I just going home. An ending comes for all loneliness and lost minds. is it just for a time or for never to show. Don’t ruin this for him. Don’t shut it down before its begun. Youll never be alone just embrace. Be something, someone even if its not what is looked upon as normal or acceptable. Just be you, be good to yourself, everything else will follow

Always Running

Guess we all run at some point, whether it be physical or mentally. Many of us run from confrontation, whether it be our mothers, daughters, son beans or a baring fathers. Why is it that we spend so much time running away from endless conversations that are so needed?

Guess my insecurities com from unsaid words from many years of unsaid conversations.

We continuously run, just run, whether with limbs that don’t work right, to broken souls. Yet you have no speed.

Heart hurts, head aches. Not really with it. Yet I still function to no ability.

How can you miss someone that’s never existed? Its your fickle imagination and over censored emotions

Mucky waters, overflowed of deadness.

Stomach, with mushy waters

What do I want to do? Where do I really want to go?

Miss a feeling

Endless running, not actually moving.

Taste the repeats of food on  my tongue. Not yummy, yet you continue to eat.

Why do we do many things we don’t really desire to do? Boredom, life, feelings, no reason than nothing.

Short span of life, make the most of it. Yet to angry, confused to let go. Means more endless running. If only heard, or let to be heard all could be solved. Yet too stubborn/stupid to realise a breaking heart when ones right in front of you

As you look in the mirror, seeing your wonderful selfs reflection, all I can think ‘You bloody beauty, how your eyes are just the gem of my sweet heart’ when I’m secretly crying on the inside for god know what reason! But I do stare at my refection and think, in the odd times that are rare, ‘I’m not as chubby as I was this time last year. I can certainly run a few, even though today has been lacking. I’m about to go on an unknown journey, which basically makes me want to rock my body to nothing of in between.’ Id like to day I’m happy, but the destiny of life is still deciding. I just want to be gone now though. And I’m not sure in what sense I mean. My chapter in this current life is coming to a close, hopefully for better and brighter but you can never tell. Id like to say Ive learnt a few things in the past year, doing the simple same of sanes world. But I’m not sure if Ive learnt anything from them. Ive made a few mistakes, and honest to god, I cant even believe I’m saying this. I wouldn’t change them. I hate that they happened, but I guess I wouldn’t be me, if they hadn’t happened. Ive learnt who My true best friend is, which Is my wonderful self. I love and hate you at the same time, whoever thought that could be possible. I mean you bring me to the point of tears everyday and you certainly make me want to scream with pure frustration on a daily basis, I guess you could call us lovers but that’s a little weird. Ive learnt that nothing changes through family, I love them dearly but I guess they always have a mines eye for who they actually see them, and I guess that’s the same for me. God I write like I’m dying or something. In some ways it feels like that, that I’m waiting for the end, for the next flight, but what flight is the question. Ive met wonderful, inspirational people through my work life and It will be sad to say goodbye, but as I say above hopefully to better and bright. God I want too….D. I’m gonna miss them, I guess you could call them friends, but even saying this, I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, Ive just had enough. I don’t think Ive had enough of them persay Ive just had too much of this, whatever it was. I always get asked what do I want? What do I want? What do I truly seek out of life that makes me want to breathe? Guess I haven’t found the answer just yet, but I do have an idea.

Ive just finished reading a novel, yes I know I finally found one! One that I even finished to the end. Completely different book to what I would have gone for, but I must admit the characters name was what did it for me. Shes called Abigail, oh the magical name of my own. Got to love a good novel, especially when you get attached the characters. Oh Robert how you do indeed need to freaking move to my life! Not that I need a man or anything, but if anyone was that good, why wouldn’t you have someone so witty in your life.

The one thing I have missed this year, is true friendship. Friendship where you are at ease with one another. You can be silly and stupid and nothing in between. Someone to truly open upto about anything and everything. I think I might Find someone like that soon though. Maybe an open wave a thousand miles away might just be the one. I do seriously write as I’m dying, ah god.

In that case I might as well get all and out of my wonderful small chest.

Why is the world just a contradict of media and emotions. The ways of should and should bes? Everyone is so obsessed with stupid media, taking photos, with captions ‘ Oh you should look this way, Oh I just ate a freaking salad and It filled my ever so flat stupid stomach, that I cant even function right’ God they are so annoying, why do I even have a phone.! I don’t even want to have a phone, I just have it for simple means that parents can stay in touch, I just don’t want it anymore. The only thing technology has been good for, is for me to express and share my words, making me feel not so alone. But god, I feel like its killing people.

Id like to be able to love people freely without having to worry about my silly emotion responses. I want to tell people that I love them and that I think you are stupid. I don’t want to hold my tongue anymore. I don’t want to shut it off, just because I know you wont like what I have to say.

I miss my dog. Even though I was the one to end it. I miss his furry warmth and open wide eyes. I just miss his presence.

I’m not keen that I’m going in the unknown and have no intellectually sources in my mind. But I want to be somebody. I simply don’t want to be anymore. I think of everything I have done and what I have done. I think of all the chats and stupid mistakes Ive made, I think of every feeling that ive had and every conversations that got me no where. I wouldn’t change any of it. I simply wish I could have been more open and improving. You cant change the past and you certainly don’t get answers to the past, because I’m still waiting for some. I just wish I wasn’t me.

Go hard or Go home

Go hard, so hard that its excruciating to keep going. Go hard till you feel that deep infested burn. Just go hard, no point in going half heartedly. Push yourself to the extreme. You know what its like to have a doll day, and its no breathing fun. Might as well feel something by going hard, so hard that its almost extreme. Feel the burn. Or just go home. Shrivel up insides, be the middle dumbness of life that you already know and how to be. Be the same breath, the stilted air, the same air of every second, that life bring no joy. You know what you want and your going to get it. Who cares if no one really knows you. It gives you the ability to be you without them knowing that’s who you truly are. Its a shame that you have to go, but no one understands here. No one really hears you. Time to go, feel like Ive already gone. Halfway in a fog, departing from you and me. In a haze of cloudless sleep, sleep I miss, yet wish was my continued silence. No more of that though, even though it is a bigger crave than ever before. Ive said bye to you a million times and will continue so. Ill be back, I always come back, as I’m always with you, but its time to no longer sit under the apple tree reading novels till heart is content. Its time to bask in the world of bigger life. See things unimaginable, to experience the life of dislikes and likes. Its time to no longer have the past glazing in your face so often, but now time to be in the stilled moment of the unknown. I wont know who I will become. I wont know what Ill be doing or how I will be feeling. I just know Ill be a thousand of mile a way. Ill be seeing something different, still being me. Sad that you not heard. Sad that no one accepts forgives who you are. None matters now, no big picture of coming months. Its just you, Ill always be.

Vampire

I suck thy blood, draining your source while you wither in made up delight. You think this is bliss, but unknown to you, you shrivel up inside. Bones rot to pure achiness, you realise this is no heaven facade. Darkness is around you, has been all along, you just didn’t know. Now that you do, it consumes you more. More than anyone ever thought

No light left for your pale skin, you turn cold, as no longer warms by the sun. You become darkness. You become a ghost. Ghost of the night, how it use to fright you, now it is you. Darkness seeps in through your veins, turning your blood to black. No longer pumps a clean flow, dirt, sad, alone fills its place. No longer the cushiony sofa human you were. Daylight doesn’t breathe through you, just a glazy haze clouding you. No longer a bright start. Stopping is not an option. You’ve transformed. Mundane no longer, vampire is what you are.

I feel sick

Yucky, disgust sensation is rolling through my body. What are you trying to tell me body?
Am I coming down with something, or is it my emotions playing sensor time on my physical state?
I feel like I’m half saying goodbye, but the other half feeling little a sad loner.
I’m not sure what I feel or how I feel. Its just this yucky sensation
Am I really awake or am I still sleeping
Its just a waiting game
So many unsaid words roll around in my light headed head. So many years of conversation I wish I had said.
The words just left to roll around in my dead empty mind. As numbness rolls through my once aching body.
Who am I, I ask myself once again. I know what I am not, I’m not the person you want me to be. I’m not the person you wish you could love. Ill never be that person, Just like I’ll never be the person you once remembered.
Accept me, I might just forgive, love
Words that make no sense to you, yet they give you an underlining
You question, you ask the selfishness
Sicky, but not you

Unvoiceable, Yet writable

I’ve been asked to write about my problems. The firsts of problems that started my negative behaviour. Or as blondie ‘Choking emotion, turning me from a wave to a pure flatness.’ Aka Dead.

I’m kinda having trouble to push myself into thinking about my problems, the starters. Theres only so much postponing you can do, before you run out of time. But its not like I can call a friend or a family member ask for their help, because they simply wont, or the simple fact there isn’t anyone.

Yeah I got myself into this mess, way of thinking. So I’m the only one who can get myself out. I just don’t know where to start.

I tried vocally talking about it, which is a bloody joke. As all we end up doing is staring into one anothers eyes. If it was under different circumstances, you might of thought we were two lovers on a date, cant get enough of eye staring but we weren’t. I was there to talk about my problems, my feelings, express the world of voices in my head. I did neither of any. I just simply sat there. I get it. I’m suppose to let it out, but I just cant. Yeah yeah ‘No such thing as cant.’

I’m not being funny but I don’t want to be a blubbering mess, when I shouldn’t be. Ive always thought showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness, and in some sense it is. A lot of people do take advantage of other peoples weaknesses, to gain something for themselves. And you can’t say that isn’t true. Ive seen it.

Anyway, straying away here.

So I’m suppose to write a list of firsts problems. For example, struggles at school, struggles at maintaining friendships. I was very reluctant to write these things down, as they are no longer a concern to me, nore are they true. But they were things lady thought are my triggers. Yes I wasn’t great at school, but school was five years ago. I don’t really remember it much. Its in the past, aren’t we suppose to move on from the past? I’m sure school was hard for everybody.

Maintaining friendships, this one is most likely true and still is. We can all see I don’t have human friends, and I certainly don’t go out socialising. At school the girls were pretty pathetic, staying in the toilets to doll self up. Chilling with guys, cause everyone loves me. Saying silly shit, we are all so stupid. People could be mean, and they still can be. Many people found me annoying, probably, who knows. I couldn’t be arsed to be around people who wanted to do stupid things. I couldn’t be arsed to be around people I felt I had to converse with, when I didnt feel like it. So I did my own thing. Yeah I was on my own a lot, stayed by myself near the final years. But do tell me, what is possibly wrong with that? I spent many times in the library. I brought up my own grades. Shouldn’t it be an achievement, not a dweller? Occasionally I skipped classes and went home, but what do you do when you felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be around people. I could concentrate, feel safe, and comfortable on my own. I did school, and I did it better than anyone thought I could. So yeah, I struggles but I succeeded, and I did it on my own.

So what do I put as my first starter list?

I can think of things that can be added on, but I just cant think what the first kick was. -Divorce -Loss -Death -Goodbye -Shaken -Negative ear -Feeling of difference -Lack of faith -Always concerned -Never pushed.

These are after kicks, some of them, I could explain them, but they aren’t the kick

I need to find my kick

I need help, but no one can give me any

What was my freaking kick?