– The sign –

so random, like very random
thoughts maybe
Some people are just so pretty, like drop dead gorgeous, but you see with these people they know it. They know they are beautiful and gorgeous, which to me, makes the beauty drop. I can appreciate someone who is beautiful but doesn’t know. I mean they know they are okay good looking, but they sometimes have off days, so it keeps them grounded. If you get what I mean. Don’t get me wrong, I like someone who knows how to handle themselves etc, but sometimes that can come across as cocky and arrogant. With those traits it makes me feel conscious and I wouldn’t be able to be comfortable around that person. The shy ability and the, they don’t notice their own worth type. Its always good to be able to boost up someones confidence, and to see them take those words in their stride.
I found this photo, well image. Its obviously of a person, just not sure if its with this said description, but I have to admit. He’s pretty good looking, its what made me click on the page, as well as randomly write something about gorgeous, beautiful people. They always look nice when they look yummy, makes you think of what it could be like if that person was in your life. Guess the image will do for when I end up reading.
I probably sounds like I’m dying, but I’m not, well not that I know off. These are just a few things that I’ll miss, well things that I can think of, they will most likely change when I’m on the travels, as you don’t always know what you are going to miss until you are in the situation;
Bed, the good old comfort of thy bed. The cosiness that covers my injured soul. The thing that I’m always reluctant to leave as well as enter. As soon as you are in, I never want to leave. Just sense that its yours, that bed is yours, and only yours.
Food, being able to buy what you want, or make a quick meal, now its going to be budgeted and end up eating things that I wont have a clue what I’m eating.
Space, the sense where you can go off and no where you are going and knowing how to get back, just being on your own. having your own time and not conscious of other people.
Toilets, everyone likes to feel confident when they pee, or poo, right? The fact that you can pretty much go when and whenever you like. Its going to be difficult traveling, not knowing where there is a toilet, always conscious that someone else is waiting to use the loo. The fact that you might have to pee out in the open. All inner shyness just going out the window
Family, the ability to go into the next room and saying hey to that person. The comfort of blood.
—-
That feeling, you know the one, it continues
You know when you feel, like empty, like you have no worth. Like what you do, everyday stuff, it feels like you don’t achieve anything, even though you go running, or work etc. That feeling, that when you talk to someone, yet it never processes, so you end up shaking your head, like what was the point in that, that type of feeling. or when someone says one thing, and you believe them because you have some small sense of hope, then you find out that they are lying or feels like they are. then you take a breath, and realise in your tired mind that you actually have no one, and the point in life, is pretty much useless and very mundane. ends up leaving you in a state of, lets stand out in the rain or more dramatically jump out of a window. That type of feeling
Don’t you just like/hate that hazy feeling, when you are half a sleep and everything passes by, like did that actually happen, to the why am I even doing this. you are that tired that you are not even aware of what you are doing or saying. Or even aware that you just ate endlessly, just because.
Theres this woman who, I wouldn’t say admire, I would say care about. Shes so lovely, yet tells you straight. She caring and kind, but shes been through so much, yet she always keeps on going. Shes had hard knock backs, like really bad knock backs, but she doesn’t let them affect her in anyway. Well they do in some sense, but shes doesn’t let them kill her positivity. she still goes. She knows how to have fun, she knows how to lighten up anyones mood. Shes got a knowledgeable mind. Shes straight with you. Shes just so lovely. Its the bouncy personality that I’ll miss. I’ll miss her as a whole, just that affectionate personality. Shes just one of a kind.
—-
So I don’t really have anyone to talk to. But then again what would I say. I feel like I’m going through emotions but not really processing them. I’m aware I’m going through time but I’m not aware that I’m not feeling it. if that makes any sense. I just feel dead empty, like I’m watching life, but I’m not doing any life.

She Wants it all

She wants it all
She wants the life of an adventure; she wants to gaze into the sky and be happy with the simplicity of nature. Climbing mountains and swinging from trees. Camping by a fire, and sleeping in a hammock . Being joyous with the simple communication, the face to face interaction, no computer or media needed. She wants a life of energy, surrounded around like minded people that bounce of one another. Soaking in the life that’s just beautiful for simple meaning. She wants it all.
She wants to walk away from the complications and the unnecessary of life. The unneeded worries that cause so much problem for her little mind, or for the media to confuse thoughts and feelings.
No need for the mundane thoughts that generated most individual lifes. Who needs to worry about food, just take what you are given, be happy with what you can proved, whilst you can proved it. Who needs to worry about the next adventure, when you are still on one. Enjoy whats in front of your eyes, you only see and feel it once, before the world changed its perspective.
Living in the moment is her difficulty. Its the one thing that’s the focus point of life, a main point in life, yet she cant do it or feel it. when you go for a walk, what are you focusing on? The trees, your surroundings, or is it the thinking of the end of your walk, of what you are going to do next? Its always the next, of what is to come. Its never the now, the moment, the life. It needs to be the moment. The moment is you. embrace the moment, learn something.
She wants to be someone, she wants to embrace. She wants to let go and laugh, a rare smile upon her face. She doesn’t want to think, she simply wants to be.
The moments here, but does she know it? No she doesn’t.
She craves the life of wilderness, yet its at her front door.
She wants to put on her shoes, but what stops her is her own doing.

I’m not doing this anymore

I’m not doing this anymore
I’m not waiting for my stupid computer to work itself
I’m not waiting for the cracks in my hands to break apart further
I’m just not doing this anymore
I’m not surrounding myself around you, Or any other negative heart
I’m not hearing you moan, instead I’m hearing you laugh
I’m not having the imagine of my cartoon self shaking her head in sorrow, due to the fact and things that I think and feel
Fine, Ill admit it, my fucking heart and soul is breaking. Its being squashed, and pulled, and pushed, basically abused. I cant do it anymore. I cant live with you. I cant hear another thought, especially the angry words, the raised voice. you are killing me, and I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to hear you. I don’t want to be you. I don’t have it in me to improve, because its never good enough for you. You even think writing this is pathetic. but what I feel is, broken. I don’t want it. Its nots worth it. You simply are not worth it. I cant deal with the words you throw at me.
God, don’t you see what you make me be and feel, and how it affects those around us. you make me treat people like shit, you realise it, and that is even worse. I don’t want to be you anymore. I don’t want to be this pathetic creature that makes me feel like I have difficulties, but these difficulties are nothing compared to something real in the world. I’m fed up of punching walls, that my hands feel funny. I’m tired of thinking about driving dangerously, or slicing my wrist, but you never do it the way you should. Instead you just cause more problems, more explanations and more things that I have to live with.
I just want to be able to cry a river and shout that I cant do this and that I don’t want to do this anymore.
I want to punch you in the face, and shake you, shouting that I cant be you anymore, that I cant stand another stupid thought of yours.
I just don’t want to do this anymore
The funny thing is, you are killing me, yet I cant kill you
I so want to
My hands are cracking, my soul is going.
My head is ranging,
my feelings are sorrowed out
I am you, and you are me
You is me/I
I cant do it

Chips

Crunchy chips, Spicy chips. The crunch between your teeth. The chewing of the crisps. The after taste from the crunchy chips makes you feel the need to much on more of those crunching chips. Just the thought of chewing makes me weep with sadness. It’s the crave for comfort that my munching seeks, but even after consuming the things I keep thinking about, I’m still left in this hollow despair.

I know I’ve said it before, I’m getting tired of saying it. I just don’t get it

When I try and talk, write and talk, no one gets it.

Maybe I expect too much. Who am I kidding, I obviously do expect too much. It’s why I feel shit, isn’t it? It’s why I punch walls, It’s why I scream at myself, always angry and internally frustrated.

Why don’t you hear me?

I always hear you

New development in life, a person has come along/back

Everyone says what you give is what you get. Is this right? Because it honestly doesn’t feel like it!

Person feels like I do. Someone who gets it, right? Helping hand? Guess everyone feels differently.

I just want to freaking weep, while punching every face I see. I want to fill my face with the craves that I crave, but it wont accomplish anything, So why should I. It’s only going to make me feel guilty about munching the rubbish

So why not switch to pills? See how many you can swallow. Even after fifteen, body no longer wants more, can’t stomach it. It plays some affect. Yet doesn’t take away any of this. Just sends me in an endless sleep for six hours. Wake up feeling drunk, apart from that, the days in full force.

All I seem to want right now is the comfort of food, yet when I fetch and swallow it brings me no comfort, not a thing. Wheres the comfort?

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. It’s pointless, just like going out, like talking. It’s pointless.

Chocolate gooey cake sits before you, slice the fork through the layers. Scoop some ice cream and devour the crave

That feeling!

This feeling of goodness is overwhelming.

Only lasts an instant, but an instant is all I crave.

This feeling of high, of over sensed joy. Just feels so good. Feels like I can accomplish almost anything. Like the feeling of ruling the world

My heart is steady, yet full with pride and joy. It does happen, but it’s so rare.

I like it when simple things make me feel like this.

The push of a run has achieved this feeling. That’s why I’m writing now, to remind myself if I ran when I started to feel shit, a sprint later I feel this unspoken happiness.

It’s just a shame they are only short lived. But Ii’ll take what I can get.

Now it’s time to go to work.

Lets keep the spirit high

Replaceable

We all want to mean something. To be someone. We all want to be a support, or think of someone that matters. We want to be here for someone who may need us in their life, for through out their life. But not everyone sticks around. Or in some cases, some of us get kicked to the curb. No longer wanted or needed.

At the end of the day, no matter how we really feel, we are all replaceable. Even if you have the intent to be around, wanting to be that strong hold for that someone. We all end up losing meaning. We are no longer valuable, no longer the precious gem. We all come to an end. We get seen in another light. No longer what they wanted. No longer the thing they desire. Something else always comes along and replaces us. Even when we deeply don’t want to be replaced or forgotten. But that’s the thing, in the end, over time, we become forgotten. It doesn’t matter how strong, or bold a life we live now, we will all be forgotten

Forgotten by the ones you love dear, the ones you don’t want to forget. Yet they do, they forget you. They change with time, the move on. Which is rightly so, but when you become forgotten. You become a nobody. No one wants that. We all want our lifes to have meant something, even if its to only one person. But they soon forget. They forget the way you looked and felt. They forget what made you tick, and who you are. No one wants be forgotten. But once you are gone, you are gone.

Then comes along the replacement.

What is life, if you are constantly replaced or forgotten? How can you simply live in the now, if who you are, is the memories that people made along with you.

Everything fades, turns into a distant.

Everything ends. Once the sun sets, its set. It’s never the same again. We all end up being forgotten.

Who am I?

Figment imagination

Pos-o- Not

Lets put a spin on life!

Why the hell not. Lets boost it up, bring forth the ways of positivity

you’ve got to admit life does get a little testy after being so downy, as well as you become annoyed at every little thing. not surprised I’ve gone off my rocker.

So positivity. Now what exactly is positivity? My google friend, google, says ‘Positivity is the frequent experience of pleasant emotions.’ That’s nice, isn’t it?

Sounds like a wonderful emotion, but it just seems when I try it, it feels false. Is that because I’m not use to being positive that, when I try it will take time, like many things, for me to adapt to the feeling? But isn’t it suppose to come naturally?

Anyway. This is suppose to be a good enthusiastic post, but like my many before, I wont count on it. – Now that’s where I’ve gone wrong, right? It suppose to be something like. I’ll try to make this post light, but I might stray a little, but I’ll try. Ah who knows.

Apparently if you feel confident, things change massively for you. So if I went around pretending to feel confident, would that make a difference? I mean you cant just instantly feel something and bam everything is going well. I get the fact If you’re more confident, others will come to you for support or knowledge. I get that if you’re confident you feel more relaxed and joyous about life, as you are happy with who you are and what you are doing, but does it really draw others in. Does it really make other people want to know you?

Guess I could try being positive, maybe it will do some good. I just find that when I am happy, rare as it is, people are always bringing you down, or making you think about things that you cant change or prepare for. To me, it just seems to be easier to be already a downer, but Ive got to admit, it doesn’t exactly sound appealing to being a misery. It sounds great to be walking around all confident with a rare smile on my face. I can almost picture it, but my fierce eyebrows are down.

Days like these, I wish I lived an entertaining life, or did something worth while with it.

I mean of late, everyone seems to be right, so right, that Im always wrong, and it frustrates me. I get the fact that everyone is entitled to there own opinion, its just annoying that when I try and talk, it always feels like that the person isn’t actually listening to me, that they don’t care what I have to say, as they do the complete opposite to what I’ve said. Then they over rule me in the voice department and don’t let me finish what Im trying to say. So I just seem to be getting so annoyed at everything, at every conversation I seem to be having. I shouldn’t talk to people, people don’t really talk to me anyway, but when they do, it annoys me. Even though I crave some form of conversation. So whats that about?

As I was saying before my typy hand had the runs; Days like these, I wish I was a somebody.

In my head, the mighty dream land, Im out exploring. Discovering some wilderness that’s just a beauty to be hold. But in real land, my body moans that its constantly tired, and my head whinges that its bored, yet so sleepy. Theres always an excuse to why I don’t do anything in my life. Its pretty pathetic to be honest.

Theres 365 days a year, I work less than half of those days, so that leaves me about 183 days where I could be doing amazing adventures. yet I don’t. I could be hiking the mountains of life right now. Or I could be petting an animal at some random zoo, Or staring into the ocean, counting stars, laughing to myself at some random quote. I could be doing something. Instead Im writing about the failures, and woes of my life. A life I haven’t even lived.

That’s wrong, I’ve lived a little, but probably in the wrong reasons.

My adventurous side, goes to the dark side;

I’ve been abseiling, dangling from a rope

I’ve done a bungee jump for charity, falling endlessly

I’ve climbed the top of the 02 arena

Visted many zoos, They all look like caged animals, oh

I’ve pushed myself in a bootcamp, body hurting but a so good experience

They’ve all be great, but they are now just a list.

I probably need to find a human manual who can tell me the way of living in the now, embracing the moment.

I think that’s how life should be. But I’ve never personally done it, and I don’t know how. No matter how much planning you do, there will always be a worry that you haven’t thought/ prepared for. You cant plan every little detail, you cant prepare for every emotion you are going to experience. Youll be ready in the moment, because you’ll have to be.

Just a simple thing of wanting to go travelling, becoming such a pain. The plan, the thoughts, the have you got this, have you done this. All the did you realise. For such a simple thing of, pack you bag, lets go exploring, it seems like so much trouble. Surely it shouldn’t be so mind numbing?

If you have to think about everything in your life, to the depth where, well quite frankly. I just don’t want to think. thinking is difficult and Id rather not.

I know I’m not perfect. I know I can be confusing and hard to work or understand, but I’m human. I just want to live, I just don’t know how too.