Rambles

Mid life crises or not, or maybe a stream of fed up
I want to feel like I matter that Im appreciated and that im thought of, or at least someones thinking about me, and not in the sense of completing their needs or how I can help them, just a simple thought.
I know I push people away, and I know that to be something to be the things that I imagine, I have to try. But whats the point in trying when you have no ground support, know yes you can do this, because Im going to help you.
Yes I know im twenty and I should be doing these things on my own because I am know classed as a grown up, but I tell you what. I don’t feel like a grown up all the time. At work yes I do, But anywhere else where ever I am or who I am around I feel unsure of myself, I feel like the sixteen year old who has no experience.
Some days I see my value, but the some days is not as often.
I don’t even push myself anymore.
Is it because I let people walk away, is it because im not a great conversationalist due to the fact that Im not well educated?
I live in a bubble, everyone lives in their own bubble, some just happen too have a bigger bubble.
I have no destination, because everything that I do someones always knocking me down, so the only way I could possibly live, is by doing the simple fact of leaving, leaving everything that I know and who I have left and just leave and grow on myself, but why, Im not exactly wanting to leave. when I say leave, its a simple lets disappear but without myself. That’s not possible, so it just goes to show I don’t actually like who I am if all I want to do is run away from me.
what do I have to offer?
Silence, quiet companionship, I could almost be classed as a dog. I breathe, eat, sleep sometimes I explore, other times im in my comfort zone.
the one thing that stops me from doing things with my life is people.
they are unpredictable, they don’t want to know you, they want to know how you can benefit them.
If I didn’t care so much, I could have possibly been an amazing person.
I don’t want to care about people anymore, I don’t want to be afraid to do things just because Im aware of people.
I want to be me in the moment in the zone, not aware of people
But look at me all im talking about is what I want in life, when really when you talk to someone its usually finding or sharing things with them. But I guess im not like that because I don’t socialise its like an alien thing to myself.
the only company I have is myself, because people don’t stick around long enough to get to  know me or they just don’t want to because im simply boring .

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