Extract

“The fear goes far deeper than that, because that piece of our soul that we keep is the connection to what’s left out humanity. If you allow yourself to open up, even to the people you love the most, and that good part somehow becomes damaged, too? What then?”

“You have nothing”. he murmured.

“Exactly. You want to be able to open the gate, to let people in, but only the people you love, who you can trust not to hurt you. Then you close the gate tight when you go back into the world. But sometimes it gets too hard to keep opening and closing the gate. You run out of strength. ” – Karen Rose, alone in the dark

(When the words just hit you right!)

Realise

There’s a lot to realise, but the important thing is I do realise.

You realise that if you want to succeed or accomplish anything, you have to set your mind to it. You have to believe in yourself that you can achieve. To get to the end goal, you simply have to set up goals. I realise that.

You realise that it’s only you, yourself, that you punish when you stop yourself from doing the simply things that could possibly bring you pleasure. You realise that every time you back out on an adventure or activity that you dream of doing, you are only letting yourself down. You realise that when you imagine yourself being around people, having fun, speaking to someone openly, without no fear, that you stop yourself making friends, because of your blockade. I realise that.

You realise that to be the person you want to become, you have to overcome the fears that you allow to block your process. You realise that the only person stopping you, keeping yourself in, not letting go of whatever happens to be holding you in a still place, is simply yourself. You realise that you let yourself live in a bubble of fear, because you believe that if people knew you, that there wouldn’t be much to know. You realise that you need to let people in, but you don’t because its one of your fears. You realise that you are afraid of letting people, family, anyone in, because you are afraid that they wont accept you for who you are, or for who you become. You realise that you don’t tell people your problems because you feel that no one cares, that no one wants to hear about it, because you feel like it is nothing. That what you say is nothing, as you continue to doubt yourself, as you feel like you are not intelligent.

You realise that to have a conversation, that you have to be open minded, that you have to share. You don’t, because you’ve limited yourself to only being open to your own opinions.

You realise a lot of things. You are aware of many things. You realise that a lot has to change, to change yourself. You realise that you give out advice, advice that you should heed yourself, but you don’t, because you find it harder to do than say what needs to be done. You realise that if you let yourself go, became open minded, you would be a different person. You realise that you want to change, but you continue to live in the fear that you created.

I realise that.

 

What do you see?

Do you see a girl thats lonely of life, a girl that looks sad with the choices she makes? Or do you see a girl thats so pathetic she looks to angry to be a nice person?

You walk endlessly, whether your actually walking or not. You go round in circles, that simply get you know where. You continue to repeat the past, a past that you know you cant go back into to change the many things that you wish you never thought of or the things you did. You are on a continue repeat. You think of things that no sane person should think. You wish endlessly to be something that you know full well that youll never be.

Do you see a girl that dreams of the possible? Or do you see a girl that continues to be disappointed with absolutely everything?

You’re a heavy weight, a big angry ball, that never lets go. You’re a supply of sadness. You’re fed up of being yourself.

What do you see when you look at me? An angry girl, that looks scary because she looks pissed? Or a girl that looks pretty but never smiles?

You continue to care, when ive told you endlessly before to never do such a thing. You continue to feel, when ive told you a thousand times that no one cares about you. You continue to do this to yourself, when ive told you a million times to let the blood out. You continue to do the same things to yourself, when you know it get you know where. Why do it?

What do you see when you look at your reflection? Is it someone you want to be? Or is it someone you wish youd never become?

 

Miss

Bar

The chaotic atmosphere, hundreds of voices fill up the silence. The looks of waiting to be served, of not being served quick enough to their liking, the impatient stares. The signals of I’m next, not that guy in front. Selection of easy meals turned into an essay, as they want nothing of the meal, a part from one thing. The unknown drinks demanded to be made in the simplest of seconds. The customer telling you how to pour a beer right, because well the staff never told you how. The running around, feeling the added pressure of thousands of eyes, demanding you. The simpleness of being busy. I miss it. I miss making a mess out of the orders. I miss forgetting to take table numbers. I miss making the drinks wrong, and having sticky hands from all the ale. I miss the noise, of thousands of voices, of the odd high pitched laugh. Just simply being in an atmosphere where people are enjoying their lifes. Most of all, I miss working nights. Starting at six and finish at four in the morning, feeling as if I’ve achieved something even though I made a thousand mistakes. I miss the bar.

Being me.

I miss the early rise of motivation. Taking my energetic body for a walk at five o’clock in the morning. Walking miles that seemed endless, but only ending up walking for a few hours. Coming home all refreshed, feeling simply good to start the day.

I miss the fact that id spend endless time on my own, take myself of into the woods to read a novel, never giving a thought to how people thought of me. I miss the fact that I was content with who I was. That id go to the cinema on my own, not stopping myself from doing something I wanted, not having to wait to do it with another person. I miss the fact that I simply did it, no matter what. I miss the fact that I was confident in going out in my slouch pants, now I always make sure that I’m wearing my jeans, even if it’s for a five min drop into the shops. I miss the fact that I was happy with being silent for a day or two. Now I cant go a day without hearing someone’s voice other than my own. I miss the fact that I could simply shrug someone’s disappointment off, Now it hurts too much to take in their words.

Miss the fact that I wasn’t obsessed with my body. That I was content in the way I looked, not caring how others see me. I miss the fact that Id randomly go off for a run, just because I felt like and it made me feel good. Now I’m too aware if not gone to the gym.

Miss the part where I wasn’t always on my phone, I could go hours, days, without looking on any social media sites. All I seem to do now is look at my phone, hoping that something exciting will show up.

I miss the before.

Mixed

Scream. Let the air out of those tight lungs, push with all your might. Release the built up scream that has all your internal organs in a twist. Scream. You know you want too. Feel the burn of your tired lungs, feel the burn as all air leaves your body. Just scream. Your minds like a war machine, fighting with itself until you are an empty vessel. Release the scream. Just scream. Let it all go. Let the anger thats sitting at bay, let the images fade of you kicking and punching so hard that all your bones shatter. Let it all go. Feel it leave your body, so you’re left with only a sack. Let it go. It does nothing for you to have it built so high. It does nothing for you at all. Your emotions are coming of in waves you might as well be a roaring sea, bashing people with your waves. It does nothing for you. Aren’t you tired, aren’t you ready to be done with this rubbishness of nothing. Are you simply done? Why aren’t you, why are you still holding on to these stupid emotions that simply do nothing for you. All they do is send you on an endless roller coaster that gives you no pleasure. Don’t you want to through your head back and laugh? Don’t you want people to see the shine that lights up in your eyes when you are simply happy and laughing? Don’t you want to be good? All this bad is simply making you mean, well more of a rude woman. Do you like being mean? Do you like being a dick? No one likes a moron. No one likes a negative disinteresting moaning git. So stop being miserable. Stop this anger that you keep at bay. Stop being just a negative down shitter. Just stop being sad. Shut it off. Just go.

 

Girl

All you do girl is simply moan. Moan so much you might as well be compared to a moaning myrtle, better yet you could probably play her part so much better. Moan, Moan, Moan, it’s all you do. Don’t you get tired of constantly moaning about every little thing. Turning everything into one giant negative moan. Blah, see even I’m getting tired of repeating the word moan. God woman you moan too much. Start moaning about something good in your life. It’s not like your hard done by. But got Girl you go around moaning so much you come across as someone who is so hard so done by. Like the people who have to scrounge for food, wait they probably don’t even moan as much as you do. You huff and sigh, so much I worry that you might blow someone’s house down. Wait all your moaning takes away my worry. You act like you’re hard done by, you have everything you could possibly need and want. You have endless supplies of opportunities and experiences. The only person you can be mad at for feeling like your hard done by, is simply yourself.

Drown yourself within your sorrows, take your harden heart and fill your lungs with smoke. Puff until you feel the burn in your lungs. Girl do you feel the burn, feel the fire starting behind that one pull? Inhale until all you focus on is that one breathe that’s now become intoxicated with a dirty smell.

Better yet pleasure yourself with the delights of food. See how much you can shove into that mouth of yours. Make your cheeks swell with fatness, feel the added pounds on those already curvy hips. Do you feel the added extra? Is the food still yummy, when it actually does nothing for you? Not to even fill the whole of that one giant moaning gap in your heart. Continue to start at your reflection, yes you do indeed look different to the last time you looked, which was five minutes ago. So obsessed with staring at your belly, yet you do nothing to change it. Well yeah fine you do exercise, but lets face it the exercise you do isn’t enough to shift you weight. You know full well what needs to be done, which exercises to do, to tone that flab. But you don’t do it, and then you feel those swelling cheeks with the undelightful food that you consume. Then you ask yourself the most stupidest thing, why aren’t I slim?

Dirty the mind that’s already dark. Images of flesh. Thoughts of intoxicating yourself in pleasure, Use the means of sex to help get rid of the feeling of emptiness. Yet when you have the opportunity to feel something, you never let go, stiff as a cardboard because you simply don’t want to let someone in. Yet they are already in. Thoughts grow boulder, you need the feel of contact yet to do so, you have to converse, you have to get to know someone and they have to get to know you. Yet you have no intention of letting someone in, because your walls are too high. No pleasure for you then, No letting go of that built up feeling.

Self destroy in 1,2,3.

Kill yourself with the endless poisons of the world.

 

Face

Look on your face like I’m one big disgrace.

Sorry mate, not cut out like you.

The reflection of everyday rests in my mind, like your face of repulsion glimmers in my eye lids.

What did you expect. You got what you wanted, just never the actual me.

Think about it, you won, you scored.

The blockades are up with me. I lost, never got what I wanted.

Now I roam on my own, all faults are mine, not yours.

You didn’t give an ass, as your new birds feathers seem ripe for plucking.

Happy pecking