Feels are multiplying 

Climb a mountain, what do you see? A view thats breathtaking. Yet how do you feel? If only you could flip a switch. Make everything feel just fine. Everydays a climb, repeatable climb. Do your limbs feel fitter or more jellifide? How do you make the soul sing? Surround yourself with the loving kind. But how can you possibly do such a think when you no longer love yourself for who you are. Acceptance is the challenge, love is the ultimate goal. The difficulty makes me shudder with tears, angry range and self defeat. When are you going to open those eyes, and fully embrace? Not just the things you see, but the feelings that you tuck away at night. Don’t you get tired of beating yourself up, figuratively and physically? Isn’t it slightly exhausting? I guess that’s why you walk around like a deflated zombie. Stop surviving, you should be living. When you going to start listening to your own words, who cares whatever people think, why do you listen to them constantly, when all they do is make you feel small and ghostly invisible. You matter to me, can’t you see. I fight you everyday, there’s greatness out there for you. Stop teetering on, hold me fully, embrace me. Just like I know you want to. Come on now, let’s do what we normally do, let’s go and hide. 

Mental

(Good Morning, How are you?/You alright? Morning, I’m okay/Good thanks, you?)

Everyday we get asked if we are okay. Everyday someone tries to reach out, even if it might be superficial or asking as a greeting they get use to. But the point is, everyday someone, individual, or someones, lots of people, ask how we are. Giving us thousands of chances to say how we truly feel, yet most of us cut if off with a rhetorical reply. An unfeeling answer that may even make us feel more depleted than before.

(Good Morning, How are you?/You alright? Morning, I’m feeling a little rubbish today. How are you?)

Instantly gets people curious, sometimes we aren’t in the right frame of mind to deal with curious, maybe we don’t want to talk about it, but with a saying like that, people will instantly reply ‘why’ before processing what the person actually said.

It is important to talk about how you feel. It is important to being able to share feelings/thoughts with someone. It is important to let everyone know that you might be struggling. That you are miserable. It is important to feel like someone is actually hearing, listening and showing that they care.

(Good Morning, I’m struggling and I don’t know how to deal with it. How are you?)

I am struggling as an individual but I see no sense in telling people that I literally feel like an emotional rollercoaster all the time, and that I don’t know how to deal with it, so I dismiss it, always asking how others are, because I see no sense in talking about myself when I don’t actually take stock of how I’m truly feeling.

The only person you can truly help is yourself. Ive seeked help from professionals but I always get shot down. Ive seeked out help in the hopes that they’ll listen to me, hear me out, but I end up getting frustrated because they don’t hear me, they assume. I mean whats the point in having ears if you aren’t going to use them? then again we all have selective hearing when it comes to our own individual selfish needs.

The trouble with anything related to mental health, any problems, no one wants to hear about it. Everyone cuts someone short who is either struggling, or if you know someone who has some mental difficulty. The reason, mainly, why, no one wants to deal with someone elses baggage. No one wants to deal with someone elses turmoil when its similar to their own, and know full well what its like and wishes not to face it.

Most important reason why is; everyone recommends for a healthy mind to stay away from a negative mind.

Bingo! There it is, in black and white.

No one likes dealing or associating themselves with a negative mind incase it affects their own sanity. In rights mind it is true. Negative people, negative sayings, negative words affect people, it brings everyone down. So why associate yourself with a downer?

All in all how can a mental struggler feel like its okay to talk about there negative thoughts when thousands don’t want negativity to affect there own mind and sanity?

It is great that thousands are finally reaching out, feeling like they can actually express how they truly feel but what about the strugglers who don’t know how to stop struggling?

My only outlet is writing. I don’t always write, I don’t always write what I want to say, why? sometimes words cant explain it, the way we need to say it. People read everything differently to everyone else. I’m conscious of who might read it, of what they think to what ive written. Most of all, I sometimes find writing frustrating, I get angry with myself. Why cant I vocally say all of this, how I feel, why do I have to be so difficult, so hard on/for myself.

I’m no one special, I’m no different to anyone else, but why when I have everything a person could ask for, I don’t want it. why when you’re suppose to be living in the moment I cant enjoy or accept it. why do u have high expectations when I set nothing for myself. I find myself an infuriating individual, like an annoying disease, why would you want to contaminate a unhealthy disease with a healthy immunity? you wouldn’t

 

 

 

D

Mental Health week,

Wheres the signing papers, the willingness to admit yourself? The losing your ever lasting mind and still feeling like a drowning rat on a rubbish day.

Slow but surely I feel like I’m dying.

Head is pounding, heart is fuming, the sickness within my throat makes me want to end it all, Because why the ever loving not. Life goes on whether you decide to do something or not.

Life goes on even when you want to end it all or not.

Sad thoughts consume my mind everyday, heaviness of hurt makes me feel weary

Interaction, who makes the first call?

Literally 

Literally feel like I’m losing my mind. There’s no loyalty, no honesty, no commitment. Always feel like I’m being let down, but I guess that’s what happens when you decided to live for other people. Listen constantly to what others have to say, what they tell you to do. 

Screaming constantly at myself, which in turn is breaking me. Is it possible to fall out of love with who you are? Is it even possible to have in love with who I am? I’m uncontrollable, why do I do the things that I do? I feel like a ticking time bomb. Why is everything my fault

Sometime I really do feel it would better if I didn’t involve myself with anyone and I mean anyone. 

written words

As I stare at this shed, the representation of a new meaning, a new beginning, I imagine the life that could have been, I imagine tearing it to shreds. There, just in those thoughts alone are a confliction of my inner world.

As I shiver outside I imagine what it must be like for the poor, the unfortunate that have nothing apart from the breath that they utter, but it doesn’t make me weep. Infact it makes me think unkind things.

How did you get there? Why are you in that situation? Why do you have nothing? Surely you didn’t try hard enough?

I guess some people are oblivious to what journey they are on. I guess some are not aware that one single thought, feeling, yes, no, choice, chance sets you on a path/course.

So I guess you could say if you have a problem or a situation you are currently in, it could have been easily avoided if when the first beginnings of the situation arose you could have dealt with it then. But I guess as every life is our own why should we consider others around us. that’s why so many appear selfish but I feel that many don’t actually realise the significant some people play in others lifes. I guess its down to the individuals feelings about someone.

Its like why do I take it so personal, so angry, when someone doesn’t hear me?

The simple answer is I want them to actually hear me, to actually care.

Some could say my life is fine

Some could say my life is falling apart

But both of those opinions are based on observing points of views. No one actually asks How are you. Don’t get me wrong many people do everyday, but how many actually truly care.

Lifes infuriating, people are precious.

Lifes a choice

Clock continues to tick whatever the choice.

The heart continues to beat whatever the feeling

maybe I’m not being loud and clear here

Maybe my indecisiveness conflicts my feelings

Thousands of souls are continuously lost

Thousands go unheard

I’m just one more, why would I be any different

Life continues even when you fall out with someone

Life continues even when you lose someone

Life continues even when you are alone

What do you want from life? You are all alone

We cry, we weep, its utterly soul destroying, So soul destroying I fall to my knees. We are surrounded by people, we shouldn’t be so alone. I continue to cry and weep always on my own. No ones here to pick me up and put me on my feet. I , me, do that all alone. I continue even when I truly don’t want too. I have nothing to weep for. I have no reason to feel so depleted. I have no reason, no excuse to feel the way that I do. Its infuriating when I feel like this, which is nearly everyday, yet the sadness always out ways.

The choice is yours to live or to live

What you do everyday, what you miss out on, who you speak to

Most importantly its how you treat number one, I don’t like being number one.

C

What do you expect when you go to the doctors?

Do you expect to go for a friendly unimportant chat? A light hearted laugh? To waste an important, Doctors, persons time? To just go for the fun of it? Because you know, we have nothing better to do with our lives.

The answer is NO,

We most certainly do not want to waste anyones time, especially when people go to see a doctor for an actual health reason.

Tell me, what else do you expect from a doctors surgery? Efficiency? Being seen on the actual time appointment is given? Apologies given if running late, or maybe even a choice to reschedule?

It may seem impossible when someone has an aliment or a condition, but life still keeps going, just like the clock on the wall.

I can understand that you get many patients within a day, I can understand that you may be running late, but how many me(s) do you get?

Like today, I didn’t come because I fancied it, I came in because I received a very vague letter regarding my blood results, as you can imagine with that you might possibly think the worst, but to come in, running late in the surgery, which is fine and fair enough, but to receive no apologies for lateness, then to basically see someone who cant understand why Ive been called in.

Let me ask you a question; Why do doctors sit behind a computer screen? Why do you keep records? I guess that’s to keep detailed accounts of each patient you see so that the notes can be passed on or for other doctors to read, I guess my guess is as good as yours.

As ive said, I don’t come to see a doctor because I felt like it, so you can imagine how I must be feeling at this time, or you can not bother. I mean I am an over imaginative person.

I apologies for the sarcasm of this complaint, its just, I feel very annoyed. I see a doctor because I want/need help. I come to you because I don’t know whats going on with my body. I come to you because I hope that you can tell me whats wrong with me. When something doesn’t feel right, what do you do? ….

Everyday I’m in pain. Maybe I should just switch off, oh but I’m not a machine, I cant stop what I feel.

I really do feel that some improvements need to be made.

Having a timely run surgery would be a great start, or having a well documented accounts. Or even not wasting patients time. You don’t like patients wasting doctors time, so maybe give patients the same curtesy. Instead of giving me a vague letter  regarding my blood results, you could have explained in the letter whatever it was you actually wanted to see me about. Because I still don’t know.

Thank you for wasting my day and time. I do hope the surgery improves. I will continue to suffer silently.